Power of Music

I’m so tired; I just want to lie down,
In search for some comfort, but there’s none that I’ve found.
The restless world screams out their problems,
And expects someone else to go on and solve ‘em.
So I turn up the volume and music blasts in my ear,
But I don’t mind a bit cause it’s the only good thing I hear.
And all the worries are erased from my mind,
Because this is the only true comfort I find.
Things in life, they’re always going wrong,
And the only way I deal is with a rhythmic song.
When all their obnoxious voices ring in my head,
I just close my eyes and put on headphones instead.

I don't remember when I wrore this..Probably also 6 months ago? Just thought I'd share.

Untitled Poem

Yesterday we said our last and final goodbyes
Tonight my pillow is wet with the tears from my eyes
I believed that you loved me, but I also believed all your lies
You were placed in my life so that I could learn to let go
Whether or not you meant those three words, I’ll never know
I’ve learned that people will change and promises will break
I can’t change your mind; this choice was only yours to make
The world doesn’t wait for anyone to finish their crying
But I’m proud of myself, cause I did my best trying
Knowing that you’re not here causes me great sorrow
But I hold my head high, knowing life goes on tomorrow

I wrote this about 6 months ago..so in June. Only two people know why I'm posting this today.

"Those" Moments.

I love "those" moments. The ones where you're talking to someone and you're lost and confused and hurt and pissed off and just can't figure anything out. And then they say something that just warms your heart because it's exactly what you've been wanting to hear. I told Chelsea about the previous post and she said something that was great for me.

CHELSEA:
"I can't say I understand exactly what you're going through, because obviously I don't. but remember that if you don't have him as a boyfriend, you have him as a friend first. I think it's important to prioritize the relationships that you have with people, and if you ever start feeling something like that towards someone, it's important to put friendship first, liking them second. Because where would the second one be without the first one?"

Thanks Chels, I needed that :) But ABOUT the previous post..I know it was harsh and mean and I am sorry, but I think I'm okay with that subject now. So I wrote something yesterday while talking to Tiffany:

Well idk, I've always said "just let them be" all sarcastically to myself, but now I'm thinking you know, just let them be. I told *-*-*-*-* that if -*-*-*- doesn't like her, then it's not mean to be and it's better to move on than waste your time and effort with something that's not gonna happen. And I guess this is another one of the scenarios where I have to take my own advice. Today, -*-*-*-*-* talked to me for the first time in a while and we had a normal conversation and it wasn't awkward and I'm not gonna be like [HE] TALKED TO ME, OMGOMGOMG. I'm glad that we're still friends whether he knows I like him or not. And if I really really think about it, I'M the one who's still lingering on the thought of them possibly being together. -----'s been really nice and he hasn't brought them up. And even though they may be the talk & gossip around right now, it doesn't mean that I have to over analyze everything they do and everything everyone else says.

Writing this sort of pulled all the crumbly parts together and helped me realize that if the guy I like doesn't like me, WHO CARES, it's not the end of the world and this has happened before and it happens to everybody and it's NOT as big of a deal as I put it out to be. So I think for now, I'm going to be okay.

Thanks so much to everyone who helped me out with this. You all know I love you guys loads and more. <3

Everything Will Be Okay.

I’m going to sound like a huge bitch in this post. But I hate how I’m feeling right now and I really need to let it out. I’m pretty sure everyone’s sick of me talking about it so I guess I just have to blog it out to myself. If you’re tired of this topic and think I’m getting annoying, obsessive, or jealous, it’s best you cease reading and do something else like play Monopoly or paint a picture. Cause everything I write is very close and personal to me…

Alright, so I KNOW that I’m thinking about this too much and it’s getting really annoying to others including myself. And I know that I should just get over it and “let them be” cause that’s what I’m supposed to do. After all, I’m just the “little sister” aren’t I? And since there are already 2 couples, then they haaave to go out so that there are 3 couples and it’s better that they’re together since they’re closer in age and he likes her. Right. Well it’s kind of hard to get over it and to stop thinking about it when they’re everywhere. Seriously, it’s like everywhere I turn there’s a picture of them or they’re talking or someone’s talking about them. Can the world just SHUT UP?

And I know that after this everyone's just going to side with you because I've always been the jealous, bitter bitch. And everyone says "It's just a small crush, you'll get over it" But it's not even about that anymore. I've had to keep myself together so many times and it's so hard to talk about cause nobody wants to hear it anymore. You stand there holding uour head all high and mighty because you've brought me down and you've trampled all over me. Yet on the outside everybody thinks you're just a pretty little perfect angel. I guess now you're better than me when it comes to everything. You've taken away almost everything that means something to me. Congratulations. You think that just because you're older and you know my friends that you're so superior and you can use everything against me. I'm not some obsessed chick who's insanely jealous. I just wish that it wasn't about you two all the effing time. I hate thinking about how everybody will be on your side because you and him are an "item" and eeeeeeeeeeeeeverybody's pulling for you. Nobody freaking understands. And that's what hurts.

ALRIGHT kids, before you jump down my throat and call me a complete BITCH for writing this, let me just say that I warned you to go play Monopoly and paint a picture at the beginning. I'm human. I have a sister. I'm GOING to get angry. Is it fair that I'm forced to keep all of this bottled inside? I'll apologize if I offended you in any way, but I will not apologize for my feelings. I don't feel like this all the time. Sometimes I'm really happy but other times I feel like complete shit, and when I do feel crappy, I need somewhere to let it out.

Even though she was nice, I didn't understand why people couldn't see how horrible she was and I wondered why people liked her. But I thought about it and I guess the reason why people are friends with you is cause they're aware that you mess up shit in your life, but they've decided to look past your imperfections and accept you for the good that you are. People don't befriend you because you're a bitch, they do because they liked something about you. Either you've never been a bitch to them or you have. But the reason why you stay friends is because they're okay with that. And if my friends have done that for me, it's understandable that they do that for her.

These past few days have just been a roller coaster of emotions for me. Up and down, high and low. Sometimes it's tough having to deal with all that in such a short amount of time. Everything just piles on. After I've figured out my problem with feeling left out, BAM suddenly I constantly feel like second best. And then BAM Christmas feels crummy and all the little things just add up until there's nothing in me to hold it in any longer. I've done a lot of crying and it's not a lot at one time, but it's short but with many intervals. And I don't mind because crying reminds me that I'm just a girl. And that it's going to be okay.

*Sorry my writing was absolutely horrible in this post, but I just needed to write SOMETHING even if it did come out bad.*

"Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end."

http://www.formspring.me/julielinh

For Those Who Care,

I just had another one of those cry-your-guts-out conversation with Tiffany. This time it was about guys, having insecurities, feeling alone, and learning to get over stuff. I recently found out that it's really difficult for me to blog and that's just the saddest thing in the world to me ]: Blogging is like my life and love, but I haven't been able to write a THING, so now I just talk to Tiffany and it's so much easier to let things out that way. Like I said, since I'm writing to her the same things I'd write if I were blogging, I might as well post it [with editting it first, of course]. I'm going to post these conversations rather than just keep them to myself because I'm hoping that maybe someone who cares will come along and read it and REALLY know how I'm feeling instead of having to wonder why I randomly got up to sit in the corner by myself.

J: I wanna talk to you about it, but I don't wanna sound like..pathetic?

TIFFANY: -______- why would you sound.."pathetic"? you loser just spill the beans [HAHA, ily Tiffany, you make me laugh :) ]

J:
Well I kind of always had a feeling he wouldn't like me. But then we kinda started talking and then I got my hopes up. And then [she] told me that they talked almost every day and I was just like okay, whatever and everything I thought just went down the drain. And for some reason, since me and [bestfriend] talked so much more my feelings just faded. It had nothing to do with liking [him], I just knew that he was the person I'd want to be my best friend. And then everyone started the whole [them] jokes and I just felt my self esteem die. I think that was the reason why I hated being around the guys..cause everytime I saw [them] in the same room, it would remind me of "[HIM & HER, HER & HIM] and then I'd want to go somewhere else and cry. Cause [she]'s just so much skinner and prettier than me and I knew I should have seen it coming. Like, why wouldn't you like [her]? She's got everything, she's pretty, fun to be around, and everybody just likes talking to her. [sentence edited out]. And I know I've said this before, and you're probably sick of hearing it, but there's this couple thing going on..And I guess it wouldn't have affected me so much if I hadn't moved this summer. NOT because so many things were changing, but because this summer I wrote sooo many blogs about how I was alone and there was nobody there for me. While we were moving I felt like there was nobody there I could count one and nobody who I could talk to who could help me out. I felt alone and that is honestly my biggest fear. Not to BE completely alone, but to feel it. All my life I've been an independent person, I never thought I really needed anybody and I thought that if I took care of myself, I'd appear to be a stronger person. And maybe that worked out when I was younger, but now being alone is like a constant problem for me. At home, at school, at TN. Maybe I'm over dramatizing it, but that's how it was to me. I didn't have a best friend at FV so once me and [bestfriend] started talking I just latched onto him and now we're best friends. But anyway, at TN I've always felt accepted by one person or another and I never expected to feel so lost or by myself, and I guess I'm just scared that the one place that's always made me feel safe and loved and needed, even will soon be a place I dread going to. I'd never want that, but now for some reason I feel like I don't belong anymore. Which is part of my number one biggest fear. Feeling completely alone and not belonging. And I haven’t talked to very many people about this cause I know they enjoy the [them] jokes and I don’t want to make things awkward in the group or between them and I don’t exactly want to be a pity case either.

TIFFANY
i think the whole [them] thing is not about "how much prettier she is" or "shes skinner" i think cause [edited out] she posesses the qualities he`s looking for. You`ll get over it and you`ll find someone else just let that door open. /// and no i`m not sick of hearing it and its good you keep repeating it cause now you know the problem and you`ll get tired of hearing it that you will want to fix it yourself and with the couples things its fine to say you feel left out when we all have a pair so just tell us and i`m pretty sure we`ll be fine to hang out with you not cause of pity but cause its the right thing to do and we love you. I know the move is what triggerred everything but you were the one that let yourself feel alone and closed up. i know you can`t do anything about it but make something of it. You have everyone you had in your life before the move still here but you just feel like since you moved further its harder to talk to them when its not. Don`t feel alone you have who you need. You belong, its just you set yourself apart and don`t TRY to fit in. you already feel neglected so you dont put in an effort to even be part of the group, FIGHT FOR IT. well all have a thing to fight for and right now this is yours , to hold onto the past . but honestly you need to inch your way forward jules

J:
I know that you guys are all in pairs now and that you ARE willing to hang out with me, I know that because I know that you're all good friends, but on the inside I'll always know that there's something different about me. And maybe I have been distancing myself from the group, but I can't just wake up and have everything feel better. I know you said that I should try to fit in, but how am I supposed to do that? I can't materialize a guy to bring along with me when we have hangouts. And it's unfair for everyone to have to put their effort into making ME feel like I should belong when it should just be them at the moment. That's what being a third [or ninth] wheel is. And thank you for writing that, it's just what I needed and I really really really appreciate it

TIFFANY
yeah i see where you are coming from but we should be better friends to you and notice these things and that you are going through a hard time . Talk to all the girls about this i`m sure they`ll give you more advice. But nothings different about you, you just live in a different place and go to a different school, none of that affects who you are. Well you really dont have to try when you do fit in . we were all friends before everything julie so friends we shall continue to before everything else

J:
I don't WANT to make everyone worry about me, that's why I didn't ever wanna say anything. And that day I went to sit by myself was mainly cause I didn't really wanna be around everyone, I just wanted to sit from afar and look at everything and see how people interacted with each other and think to myself. And I really appreciate that you've put in so much time and effort for me. It means the world to me that you've been practically the only one who's noticed and who's been there for me and this is why you're my best friend and I really love you for that and thank you, again

TIFFANY
Awe well just tell us when you need that alone time (: we`re all close friends julie we`re there for each other during our hard times cause we can`t get through them ourselves so just ask for the help. Its nothing, we`ve been friends for years so i should notice these things by now and i practically know you inside and out. I love you too best friend

If you read this at all, I seriously seriously love you. This is really personal stuff to me, but I figured only people who are close to me would read it, so why the heck not. If there's anything you'd like to say, I'm always cool with anonymous comments or Formsprings or whatever.

"No matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow."

http://www.formspring.me/julielinh

Hope & TiffanyNguyen

This is what I was talking to Tiffany about today. It's venting, which is pretty much what I do on here, so I thought I'd post it anyway. Some of it is just rambling on and on, but I want to leave it how I wrote it to Tiffany, so here it is. It's me talking about school, friends, relationships, and feeling lost.

I've been freaking out about my math test ever since last week. And I really did pay attention in class and I really tried to understand, but I just couldn't and it was the most frustrating thing ever. I felt really stupid for not understanding and I felt stupid for taking that class. I was scared cause my test was today and I was terrified of turning in a blank test cause I just didn't GET it. I wanted to stop caring about school and I didn't want to care if I got bad grades. But I know that's not who I am and I'm always going to care about my grades no matter what. So I took the test today and it really wasn't that bad. It was challenging, but I actually understood almost all of the concepts. I know I did my best and I'm going to be okay if I get a bad grade on it. Cause I've gotten so used to trying to make everything perfect because that was the only way I could make myself happy. I know I'm not a perfect person, but if I got my grades to be perfect, then maybe it would make up for it and it would be okay. And then once I started getting bad grades in math, I just felt horrible because if I was imperfect and my grades were imperfect, there was nothing I could do to make myself acceptable. I felt like a failure and I still do sometimes, but I think I've learned that nobody is perfect and I need to fail in order to learn from my mistakes. I'm trying to get through this class literally one breath at a time, but it's going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay in the end.

And another thing is that I feel very left out sometimes. At school, I'm not LIKE those other girls. They're obsessed with their image and they worry excessively about boys and gossip and it's just not me. I hate that I'm not like them cause I know that I can never completely fit in. I mean of course I'm always going to be myself, but I just feel like those girls are at a different level than I am. And another thing is these relationships. They're not bad or anything, it's just that they're another thing that make me feel..out of it. Everybody moves at their own pace and everybody knows when they're ready to be in one, and I'm happy with where I am relationships wise, but there's just something irksome about it that I can't quite put my finger on. Like..I'm trying to say this, but I don't wanna make anyone feel offended.

So lately there's been this outburst of relationships and crushes at TN and stuff and I know I've said this before, but there's just so much change. Of course I'm happy for you and ***** and *** and ***** and all, but I feel like it won't be the same. Not completely, anyway. In a way, I feel sort of abandoned. [not by you guys, just in general] I feel like ever since I moved, I've had to deal with a lot of things by myself. [this is where I start crying as I type this] And even though I know that there are people there for me to help me out, I still feel like I'm alone. I feel like nobody really understands what I'm going through and even though some people have helped me out, they've never quite said anything that's really made me say "YES, YOU GET IT!" You're one of my best friends and you know that, but I just need that person who's a best friend who goes to the same school who I can talk to. And back to the thing about feeling abandoned, I don't mean that anyone's left me, I mean like I'm the only one who hasn't been in anything with anyone and now everyone else is on a certain level where they understand each other except for me. This is so hard to explain...I feel very..lost in my life right now. I don't know what I want and I don't know if anything I'm doing is right. The reason why HOPE is such a big deal to me right now is cause that's all I'm doing. Everyone doodles LOVE on their notebooks with hearts on the sides, but I'm the one who's writing about hope. I'm hoping that I won't drift away from my friends from TN or from school. I'm hoping that I'm being guided in the right direction in my life. I'm hoping that someone in my life can come along and just make me feel like I belong somewhere.

TIFFANY:
you have you let yourself open up at school to help you find that best friend or other ? cause maybe you`ve just been closed up so much and holding onto the past that you aren`t loking ahead
its like that quote that you`ve just been so focused on the door thats been closed that you haven`t given a chance or even noticed the new door thats been opened ?
i know you can`t go back to what you had but don`t act like its the end of the world Julie, you`ll get through this, live life.
i can`t say much cause i don`t know how you feel and i can`t relate
but i`m trying (:

I am open at school, I'm always talking to people in my classes and sometimes I'm like yaaay I finally feel like things are getting better. And they are, but other times, I feel like it's all fake. At the moment, I'm NOT acting fake, but once I stop and think about it, it just all feels like pretend. As if at the end of the day none of it matters and I just go back to square one. Idk, maybe I am focusing too much on the door that's closed..But I also feel like if I move on, I'll drift from my old friends more and I'll begin to forget or something like that. No, okay honestly, you don't even HAVE to say anything. You just listening to me go on and on is more than I could ever ask of you. And the fact that you're trying to help me out deserves more that my gratitude can offer. I know you can't relate to this, but it's okay. And I know that some of this relationship stuff is addressed towards you and I'm sorry if it was offensive, but I'm glad you were here to listen. You're the closest best friend I have right now and if you weren't here, I'd probably still be sitting here all alone with my bitter feelings. You're such a happy person all the time and I truly envy you for it. That quote that you put on your formspring..it really spoke out to me. Every time I go to your page I read that quote at least three times and everytime it gets to me. Happiness is learning to accept the imperfections. Thank you for helping me realize that and thank you for everything.

TIFFANY:
Well if you value your old friends that much you won`t forget them or drift away. Its all up to you, thats how i felt last year but i`ve found my best friend at school that i didn`t even know last year but i`m still able to hold strong relationship with you guys. Its cause i fight for whats important to me and not let anything phase me. Its not offending me at all and from day one i`ve been iffy on it too. Honestly i`m not happy all the time, i sometimes fake my happiness just so it doesn`t bring others down and i guess cause i don`t let anything really get to me, i deal with my probelms right away instead of holding it in. We are all imperfect and trying to be otherwise is wasting your originality, your uniquness, yourself.

“Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.”

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.”

formspring.me

What do you want for Christmas?

I really really have noo clue. But umm, I'll try and make a quick list
-Any cute shirts
-A new purse/bag
-Gift cards [NO consumer places like Starbucks or Jamba]
-Posters for my room
-Something that has to do with an inside joke between me and you
-New scarf
-Miles to Go by Miley Cyrus
-Any Miley & Max clothing
-Taylor Lautner shirt or merchandise
-dresses
-$$$
-More questions in my formspring [;

*I might think of more later, but this list was a spur of the moment thing*

I answer anything & everything

Neglecting the Blog

Blog, I have neglected you for much too long. There’s SO much that’s happened that I’ve been meaning to tell you, but I just procrastinate too much and then I forget about it and I keep putting it off and soon, the idea I wanted so badly to write down just isn’t there anymore, you know?
Well the person I’ve liked for I guess a while now is slowly fading from my like zone. I don’t know why, but he just is. And the person who I’ve pushed to the back of my mind is slowly making his way forward. That, I don’t know the reason to either. I guess it’s just one of those things that happen. Like, why do you grow older? Cause time passes and you just do. Why do we stop liking the people we like? Cause time passes and we just do. It’s not a right or wrong thing and it’s certainly not your fault.
I just thought I’d write this for a couple people I know who are having difficulties in their relationship right now. You get over people. And though that may hurt the other person, you can’t just stay with them cause you feel bad. That’s SO unfair to the other person cause I mean, how would you feel if someone stayed with you out of sympathy? Or even pity? Sometimes it’s best to move on sooner than later cause it’ll only be harder for you to make a decision later. And about everything you’ve gone through and everything you’ve built together…that’s hard to let go of, but if you don’t leave it in the past where it belongs, you’ll never be able to set foot in the future properly. And you know what, sometimes you don’t have to always let go…
One of my best friends once told me, “I will move on, but I will never let go”. And that’s one of the most powerful and meaningful quotes I’ve ever heard. Remember that it’s okay to move on and that if you hold back when you don’t want to, it can just hurt the both of you in the long run. Sometimes what you can't live without isn't always good for you.
Okay, I’m just gonna stop there before I make myself sound more like an idiot than I already do.

X, Julie

PS. Oh my gosh, I just realized that this may have been my shortest post yet! I didn't feel like adding on to it. This post doesn't even make sense, but I'll just post it anyway. I'm working on another post. I'm sorry it's been a month since I've written anything! Agh, okay, well I'll post to you later! :)

You're Beautiful, Every Little Piece Love.

Tribute to Livejournal, BFFs, Fairytales, Crying

I haven't had an informal post ever since my Livejournal! I kinda miss that. On my blogspot, everything just has to be so.. perfect. And that's just boring. Sometimes I feel like I'm narrating my life story on it or something, so for this one entry, I'd like to get creative with this one! And from this sentence on, I will not capitalize.

okay well this is really difficult, but i think i can do it. i hate not capitalizing! it all comes with being a perfectionist..haha
umm school has been good so far. i'm getting closer to some people and i really like that cause i'm like in desperate need of a best friend at school right now.

I can't take this whole not capitalizing thing. I have to concentrate so much on not capitalizing that I lose my train of thought and then there's no point to the blog. Haha, sooo back to correct punctuation and capitalization. :)

As I was saying, not having a best friend just leaves an empty hole in your heart. And I mean that as non dramatically as possible. Most of the time, the feeling remains idle and sometimes you even forget that you're lonely. But once the feeling comes back, it just hits you. It doesn't hit you square in the chest, no. Instead it aims directly at your heart and the thought over powers your mind. And the thing that sucks is that no matter how big or how small the hole in your heart is, nothing can ever replace what was once there.

I really need someone I can spill everything to WHENEVER I need to. I need that someone who will exclusively be there for me while I'm always there for them as well. And I don't mean being clingy, but I mean being loyal and reliable. I want to always be able to rely on my best friend for help and advice. But so far, all the people I thought could be my best friend are too busy or already have another best friend. It really sucks.

And it's not like I'm not still best friends with people from CTMS, it's just that I wish there was someone who would come to all my clubs with me and walk around with me when I needed it. I really miss that. Of course I'm awfully thankful for the people I hang out with now, but I just wish there was more. I'm extremely grateful for the people who have accepted me and who talk to me, but they all seem to have something else going for them. I don't know if I have to find a best friend or if they have to come to me, but I sincerely hope it's soon. Cause I don't think I wanna do this anymore. I'm sick of having all these thoughts and emotions bottled up with no one to turn to. So where do I go? Here. I blog as often as I can cause it makes me feel so light and relieved when I blog.

I feel like [almost] everything is taken off my shoulders and I can just RELAX and be chill and not have to worry about stuff. As I type this, I feel like my problems are seeping through my fingertips. And that's why I like writing so much. Cause everything comes out; I never hold back on what I'm saying and I love it. It sucks when I stop writing cause then the world and my problems just rush back to me and I realize that life isn't your own story book. You can't just make it a fairy tale and put The End on the last page. There is no the end. There's an end when you die, but that's a whole different story.

You see, I don't believe in The End. I mean obviously, it's the end if the story's over, but it's not like..THE END. You know? Cause in Snow White, she kills the witch and rides off with Prince Charming [He is SO ungly in Snow White] and they live happily ever after. Uh, well shit that's stupid. Obviously they're gonna have problems. The Little Mermaid [Best Disney movie ever] She kills Ursula and gets her wish to live with Prince Eric [Does anyone else realize she gets married at 16?] and again, they live happily ever after. WROOOOOONG. In The Little Mermaid 2, she had issues with her daughter. Happy forever? No. And don't tell me like, it's a FAIRYTALE, it's a DISNEY movie. Yea, I know. I like Disney movies and I like their storylines and all that. I just don't like how a fairytale love and a realistic love are put in the same category. Cause obviously, in fairytales you do whatever the fuck you want and still get whatever you want in the end. But if we're being realists here, one mistake and your whole relationship could possibly go down the drain.

It's just that..idk love is such a rocky subject for me to talk about cause I'm so bipolar with it and I have so many different opinions about it. I don't understand it, but right now I'm really glad I don't cause I don't want to. But I mean, if two people are in love and think they're going to stay in love for the rest of their lives, then sure. That's awesome and I'm genuinely happy for them, but if you're like a 13 year old and you update your Facebook statuses to say that you're married to your girlfriend, then THAT is when I wanna smack some shit into you. Things like that are what make me hate fairytale love stories. Like heeeellooo, you're gonna break up in like a month anyway. What're you make your status next? Buying furniture for the new house? Uh huh. Yea.

Anyway, today someone told me that this guy's dad just walked out on the family yesterday and in 2 days it was the guy's birthday. And he started crying. And she was like you gotta suck it up sometimes! And seriously, I just wanted to be like, What the fuck are you talking about?! His DAD just walked out on him 2 fucking days before his birthday and you're telling him to fucking suck it up?! What kind of fucking friend are you told fucking be that heartless and tell someone that. I'd be fucking crying my eyes out if I were him and he fucking has the balls to tell you about that, so don't you think he wants a little comfort here? He doesn't want some bitch like you to tell him to get the hell over it, etc etc etc. And I was like wow, crying's good for you though..And she's like noo you always have to smile! And I'm like no, crying helps you express the emotions your mouth could never say. And she's just like but smiling makes you look pretty! And I'm like WOW. SHUT THE fuck UP. Like okay, smiling is good and you should always smile, but there comes a point where it's all fake. Most of the people who smile are putting on a mask. They're hiding whatever the hell it is deep down inside that's killing them. So you're telling them to smile all the time? You WANT them to hide all the shit they're going through? To bottle it all up so that it just kills them some more? Kay, real smart. I'm not saying to be emo either, I just think that when you cry, it's a great thing. Crying helps you get through so much and it makes you a feel a lot better in the long run.

Idk, I just have this very strong feeling about crying.. I could talk on for hours about why it's such a great thing to cry when you need it, but it's kind of 4am right now and I kinda wanna get to bed before everyone else wakes up..haha. And I know I was supposed to make this post cute and colorful and creative and uncapitalized, but I couldn't do it. When I write about stuff that's on my mind, I just don't stop and now I don't have any time to go back and color or bold or italicize anything. And I got pretty off topic from talking about friends and love to crying..But that's okay, that's how all my blogs are :) Plus, this blog took me like 10 days to write. I started on the 30th and finally finished on the 8th..haha oh gosh.

I freaking love the smell of Febreeze. Crud, got a lotta math homework tomorrow. I'm smittenn! Oh and just one more topiccc, have you ever looked at someone and thought, Jesus Christ, you're beautiful. Like, before they were just a person, but then you got to know them and then suddenly whenever you look at them, you have to gather your breath before you begin speaking. Okay, well not THAT much, but just..looking at their face just makes you happy..That's the only way I can put it..haha And like whenever you look or talk to them, you just wanna scream YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL. That's all. :)

I meant to keep this post short, but I always mean to keep my posts short. And they always turn out super long. Haha, but anyway I'm kinda tired. Goodnight!

XXX, Julie

Growing up.

The previous post was really extremely, awfully random. I was up at like 2 am last night talking to someone and I decided to blog. It was 2 am, I wasn't thinking, I just let my fingers hit the keyboard and BAM, that story came out. Now most you can you look at it and know immediately who I'm talking about, so let me just tell you that I don't know why that came out. I'm not having issues about it or anything, it just...yea.
SO, MOVING ALONG,
We all grow up. We're all still growing up. And I know that, but sometimes, I just want everything to stop so that I'll never have to grow up. Because growing up means that you have more responsibilities and you WILL have more problems that are probably 10x more fucked up than the ones that you have now. And if you think about it, your problems probably seem like a brush off the shoulder to an adult. Cause when you're an adult, you don't get second chances. When you screw up, what's done is done. You don't get a piece of paper that says you get 5 points extra credit for each little square you turn in at the end of the quarter. No, life's not like that. That's why you have to decide everything so carefully. You can't just be like oh whatever, who cares if I screw up now, I can just make up for it later. NO, you CAN'T make it up later. The thing is that people are so ignorant and they think that they're so good at getting by in high school and everything is so easy that they won't have to work hard when it comes to life. But that's really not the case. If you blow everything off right now, when in hell are you going to begin to take life seriously? Maybe those people who don't take life seriously haven't grown up yet. They're just little kids who mess up everything and expect other people to fix it just like they did when they were younger.
Well, I'm not like that. I've taken life seriously everyday for ALMOST my whole life [you gotta be a kid SOME time, right?]. I've never said to myself "well, I don't have to work hard on this project cause I can just do better later and make up for it". I'm definitely not like that. And that's why I'm so scared to grow up, cause I ALREADY know I'm growing up and it's not all that comforting. And I know it sounds so childish to say this, but I don't want to grow up cause I just DON'T want to handle it. But I mean, can you blame me? Yea, life can be good, but sometimes it's a bitch. No actually, life is a constant pain-inflicting, headache-giving, stressing mother fucker. That's what it is for a lot of people out there and sometimes I just don't want to be one of those people. A lot of my friends want to grow up as soon as possible so they can drive and have a boyfriend and go to college and get out of the house, but all that just seems so.. stressful. And I KNOOOOW that you need to grow up and experience all this because that's how life is. I don't need anyone telling me that, but that's not the point of this entry right now. Maybe later when I have some weird epiphany, I'll write an entry about how wonderful life is and how I wanna grow up, but not right now. Not this blog. Not today.
Today, I'm writing about how I'm terrified of facing the world. Why would I ever want to grow up and go to college? That just means that I have to get a job and I have to pay for college and there's more drifting amongst friends. When I get married I'm inevitably going to have marital problems and if I have kids, they're going to be a pain in the ass. Why would I want that? I can't even kiss someone for God's sake. Why? Because it's part of growing up. And I don't want to. I know, SO IMMATURE, but that's how my mind is working right now. Don't get me wrong, I'm an extremely mature person, I know how to handle things and I can take care of myself if I need to. I think. But the thing is that I'm doing so well NOW that I don't want to grow up and have to start this whole process over again. I like where I am, I want to stay at this stage. Almost everyone at my age has kissed a guy, but I haven't and frankly, I don't even care. I don't even think about that kinda crap. I'm not the type of person who needs a relationship to define who I am. I don't need a guy to define who I am. I don't need someone there to whisper sweet nothings into my ear. And granted, I know not all guys are like that, but most of them are. And yea, people are gonna tell me that I have to go out there and LOOK for my guy, but that's the OTHER thing. I don't want to look. I just want to be 14 years old and deal with family and friends and school problems. I don't want to have my life clouded with some GUY who's going to take over my mind so that I can't think coherently. I've had enough of tha and I don't think I can handle it right now.
Some people are like Julie, seriously, what is wrong with you. But honestly, I can't even answer that question. Right now, I am blogging at 245am and it's taken me like 2 days to write this blog and I'll probably need one or two more days to finish this. So yea, it's really late at night and I don't really know if what I'm typing makes sense. Like, I know the sentences make sense, but I don't know if they relate to each other at all. Oh well. Continuing, I don't know WHY I can't do anything with guys. Maybe it has nothing to do with growing up, maybe I just have issues. I've never held hands with a guy romantically, I've never kissed someone on the mouth or cheek, I've never cuddled. Okay seriously, I don't understand why people are like I looooooove cuddling! I'm just like...kay, that's great. You know what I cuddle with? My pillow. It's like a million times more comfortable than wrapping your arms and legs around bones and flesh. Maybe that's just me. Yea, it probably is just me, but whatever.
When you KISS someone, doesn't that feel awkward? Or uncomfortable? Cause if your lips are wet and his lips are wet, wouldn't that kiss be pretty..WET?
I hate when you're like "I want this sooo badly" and then when you're right on the verge of getting it, you totally chicken out. Do you remember when you were a kid and all you could think about was having a boyfriend who would hold you and wipe away your tears for you? Well now that I think about it, having someone do that for me would scare the shiiiit outta me. WHY would that be scary, you ask? I think it's cause I'm such an independent person and if someone came into my life and did things for me, it would freak me out. And right now, half of my mind is imagining being in someone's arms and I'm just like GET ME A BOYFRIEND. NOW. But then the other half of my mind is just like, ew, why would you want someone to be all lovey dovey with you; you know you're not lovey dovey.. and that thought would take over and suddenly I'd be all creeped out by a guy.
Sometimes I think it's just cause I haven't found THE right guy yet. I would like a guy and then he'd like me back and I would stop liking him. WTF right?! Yea, I don't get it either. But maybe when I liked him, I had imagined him to be this PERFECT guy who I couldn't have and I just had to have him. And I was so excited and into the chase, I loved the thrill of running after him, trying to get a grasp of him in my arms. But then once he likes me back, I just get all awkward with the fact that this guy really ISN'T my dream guy and when I caught up to him and spun him around, he was nothing like the guy in the running picture. This applies to all guys by the way, not just one. And maybe it's as simple as the statement "You always want what you can't have". It seems greedy and selfish, but that's how human minds work, isn't it? You want the iTouch cause you hate your iPod Nano, but then once you get your iTouch, you don't really want it anymore. And you begin to wany ANOTHER thing you don't have. Well, same thing applies with guys. You always want that guy you simply can't have. Because it's a goal, a DESIRE to have him, and once you're obtained him, you realize there isn't much to do with him anymore.
And I'm not saying that this is always the case, but it is most of the time for me. But anyway, this is how I feel about growing up and being involved in relationships and what not. I could totallyyy elaborate on this, but I was supposed to post this last week, so I suppose I'll just post it now..haha

XXX, Julie

[The X is for hugging, and the O is for kissing. Therefore, I only included X's. Clever, huh?]
hahah :)

Like, Crush, Smitten, Infatuation, Love

All that stuff up there. It's common. It happens.
Alright, so this is a hypothetical story.
You see a guy and you're just like MY GOSH HE'S GORGEOUS. And then you see him in the hallways a couple more times and you know that you like him. So then he bumps into you and you find out that you guys have a class together! Great! You exchange information, talk online a couple times, text during class and such, aaand now you have a crush on him. You have endless text conversations, he flirts with you through text, through IM, at school, etc etc. My GOSH you're just completely smitten at this point because you think he's absolutely perfect. Well, besides the fact that he acts kinda gross sometimes, but you don't care cause that just adds onto the perfection. So one day in class, you're partners for an assignment and he's sitting next to you, and your heart is just absolutely pounding at the moment. Let's say he stares at you for a couple seconds and you've noticed, but you don't decide to address your observation until 10 seconds later. He gives you a smile, tells you you're cute and plays around with your palm. He's not really "holding" your hand, but you're just gonna pretend that he did. Because you overanalyze. Everything. The next day, you come into class and to your delight, he's sitting in your seat! But of COURSE, you act as if this displeases you and you tell him to get out of your seat. He, being a guy, stays put. You don't wanna make a scene, so you just sit down in his seat instead. NEXT day. You purposefully take the short route to class and sit down in his seat. Muahaha, you're a genius. He comes in, sees you, and walks over. "Get outta my seat" You've probably have experience with that five letter verb called FLIRT. "Make me." You say, as you give him that smirk of yours. Little did you know that this would stir up a side-poking battle. One in which he's winning. This makes you feel all giddy inside. DUH. He finally pulls you off the chair and as you both race for the same seat, he sits down first and suuuuddenly, you're sitting on him. AWKWARRRD. He pokes your sides again and you finally get up cause right about now, the teacher's arrived. Okie doke. You're infatuated. Well actually, you THINK you love him, but you really don't. You're just infatuated. Well this whole lovey dovey thing goes on for a while and you're texting after school. One day, he's scraped his arms falling down. And you're awfully concerned, so you ask him if he's okay and all that. And after school, he texts you. "Thanks for helping me today. I love you"
HOLY SHIT, WHAT JUST HAPPENED?! He just told you he loves you. And at this point, you've decided that he is THE GUY for you cause he's wonderful and perfect and you love him with all your heart and soul. It's May 6th, 2008. And you swear you'll remember the date, FOREVER. So at school the next day, he looks really upset. You ask him what's wrong. He doesn't tell you. After school, you're concerned, so you text him. He says that he's going to be going to a different school the following year. Um, your heart just ripped. To pieces. You can't kiss him; you're not even going out! But you're sure a hug is appropriate. So you tell him to make sure you get one. About a month goes by and you don't talk. One day, you text him. And you tell him [before he leaves] that you've liked him for 2 years straight now. And he's shocked cause he thought you hated him. [Guys are dumbasses sometimes.] Well, you give him this loooong ass text message about how you'll miss him and you'll never forget him. And to this day, you remember that you texted the words "You've become implanted in my mind as a memory that's impossible to forget" And he replies and says wow, really? Thanks. You wait for the last day of school cause that's all you can do now. You see him, but you're preoccupied with saying bye to your friends. You come up to him and say bye, and he says bye in return. You stand there and expect a hug, a high five, shaking hands, ANYTHING. You just wanna feel like he still cares. But truthfully, he doesn't. Cause if he did, he wouldn't have walked away like that.

OKAY SO, MORAL OF THE STORY. Don't tell yourself you're in love with someone. It's most likely infatuation. Don't pour your heart into one guy cause chances are, he doesn't have his whole heart poured into you.

Don't make someone your everything. Cause when they're gone; you'll be left with nothing.

School & Always being late.

So, a week later, huh. Kay, so I just read my October 4th entry and I’m like wow, I was such a bitch. But I think I KNEW I was being a bitch when I was crying. I’m just really glad I got to see them all.

It’s Saturday afternoon and I’m sitting here at my kitchen table, blogging, AIMing, myspacing, facebooking, youtubing, and reading blogs. I think I just got sick, ew. Life in the new house is okay. I absolutely love my room, and we have a TV! We don’t have DirecTV, so that kinda sucks, but we shall…in due time [;

SPANISH is good, and since Emily hangs out with Taylor most of the time in that class, I talk to Alyssa now. She’s really nice and we talk about our guy problems with each other (of course..) and the guy she has a thing with is in my health class, so I update her on all that. Heheh :) But um, Spanish is really easy and I’m glad it’s a class I don’t have to be super stressed out about, and not to brag, but I think I have the highest grade in that class! Woot woot! Haha

BIOLOGY got funner! We just took our test and I don’t want to get my hopes up too high, but it was a pretty easy test! We moved seats, so I sit at a new table next to Hunter and in front of Dakota and Emily. So I’m never lonely, …or quiet. :D My teacher is a reaaally fun person and she makes learning kinda fun. We’re learning about biochem right now, but we learned a lot of it in physical science last year, so the only trouble I have is trying to actually REMEMBER what we did last year. The work isn’t hard, but sometimes it’s a lot, so I guess that’s pretty much the only downside about this class.
HEALTH is the best class ever. My teacher is the coolest guy ever and he understands and that’s what I like about him. I have the 4th highest grade in the class ]: 2 girls have a 99%, the other has a 98% and I have a 97%. Half disappointing, half exciting that my name’s actually UP there in the top 5. But the subjects we learn about are so important and I think taking Health is absolutely necessary. I’m really looking forward to talking about eating disorders, mental problems, emotional problems, etc. All the really fascinates me and I’ve kinda been thinking about being a psychology major, maybe? But anyway, Health is my favorite class right now!

ALGEBRA 2 TRIG is a bitch. I got an 80% on my first test and I’m VERY positive that I got from a C-D on my second test. I did so horrible on it. So that’s kinda upsetting =/ I mean, I understand most of the homework, but it’s just that we go so FAST that I can’t always implant all those concepts into my mind. It’s like I learn how to find the determinant of a matrix and we’re practicing how to do that and then BAM. The next day we’re learning how to solve a system of three equations. The people I sit around are super nice and awesome and class is fun, but once we start “going by the book” it’s rather depressing. Math is my most disliked class right now.

PE is fun. Besides the fact that I have to stay out of PE for 2 more weeks cause of my sprained ankle (which sucks), I like PE. 2 of my closest friends are in that class with me and I’ve befriended a lot of people. PE is a really relaxed class, except for when we’re running like 5 laps and stuff…My teacher and the other teacher is really nice and we do a lot of activities with the other freshman PE class, so there’s always a lot of socializing going on. I’m hoping to lose weight this year, so PE is gonna be my best friend right now. Hahaha, jkjk.

ENGLISH is easyyy. I talk to Alvin, Mariam, Tiffany, Kyle, and Andrew all the time in that class so it’s pretty fun. We’re always having a good laugh and my teacher is really awesome. The work is always super easy since my teacher says I’m “more advanced” than the other students. We’re doing writing right now and even if I’m supposedly “more advanced” than other people, I still appreciate the practice I get from writing academically. Well to be honest, I don’t think my writing is that good anyway, so yea.

MY MOM is late for like everything. I was supposed to be at church at 12pm, but my mom said she doesn’t get off work til 130pm, so I’m just like fine, whatever. And now it’s 2FREAKINGPM and she’s still not home. And the other day, she made me like 10 minutes late for Confirmation and the OTHER day, she made me like half an hour late somewhere. I seriously hate it. ITS LIKE SHE PURPOSELY TAKES HER FREAKING TIME so that I have to be late. Like, okay, I have to get somewhere and maybe it’s just shit to you, but it’s important to ME and it’s important to the people who expect me to be there on time. Back in Tustin, I was hardly ever late. I always got places early or on time and suddenly we’ve moved and now we’re late everywhere. I hate it. And also, me and Cindy have realized that we’ve changed since we moved. We’re honestly not very respectful to our parents and there is always yelling back and forth.

Oh yes, and I’ve started cussing a lot =/ It’s such a bad habit and I’m honestly really trying to tone it down and stop. I don’t cuss at school when I talk to my friends or anything, but sometimes I do it when I talk to my sister. And then I feel like a really bad person cause I know that cursing is wrong. I still do it when I write cause sometimes I just can’t find the right word for it, but yea. Cussing.

Did I ever tell you I sprained my ankle? I don’t remember if I did. But yea, just throwin’ that in there…
I’m reading My Sister’s Keeper by Jodi Picoult. It’s SO good so far and I really wanna watch the movie now!
I read the first book of Vampire Diaries and I yet have the second one to begin reading.
It’s 223pm and my mom isn’t home yet.
I got a haircut! I really like it, but people say I look “so much MORE like my sister now”.
My mom’s home. An hour later than she said she’d be here. My god, I don’t even wanna go to TN anymore. Ughhhh, fuuuuuuuuck my life. Again with the cussing.

Kay, well I guess I’m gonna go now. Spread the loveee. :) Even if I don’t sometimes -_-

Tustin Tiller Days

**Before proceeding to read, please first read my September 25th entry titled “Crying Feels Good!”

Okay, so before I mentioned a lot of stuff about crying and just letting it out. Well on Friday, I wanted to go to Tillers, which is an annual fair that’s held in Tustin. My mom said she’d take me and suddenly a whole string of excuses came out of her mouth and within minutes, I was crying in the back of the car. My cry fest started at maybe 4 and after crying and screaming at the top of my lungs and banging my sprained ankle on the floor and more screaming through my raspy throat and having tears stream out nonstop, I had cried for 2 hours straight. I had screamed “I hate you so much” countless times. And I had also screamed “I WANNA GO REALLY REALLY BADLY” a million times as well. I looked and sounded like a whining little girl, but honestly, if a little girl wanted a Barbie and didn’t get it, would they cry and scream for two hours straight? No.
Alright, well let me TELL you why I had cried so much. In May, all my friends and I decided that we wouldn’t get to see each other often, so we made plans that we were all going to Tillers to see each other. We made this plan 5 MONTHS AGO. And nobody understands. Nobody understands what it’s like to hang out with a group of friends for 3 years and suddenly not see them again. Nobody knows what that’s like for me. Everyone just expects me to shut up, put on a smile, and get over it. Well, this isn’t easy to get over and I refuse to let something so important just slip my mind. This was the ONLY weekend I would ever get to see them and suddenly my mom isn’t taking me. After 5 months of planning this and after months of not seeing some of my friends, how do you think that makes me feel? I cried more about the fact that I won’t get to see my friends than crying about not going to Tillers. I didn’t care if I didn’t go to Tillers, I just wanted to go because I knew that was the only way I would ever be able to see my friends again. In the city I used to live in. Across the street from where I used to live. Well after 2 hours, my mom said she’d take me if I ate dinner first. I didn’t want to, but at the point, I was willing to do anything for my friends. So I ate and got in the car and had my mom yell at me, but luckily I had my iPod, so I blasted that and listened to Leona Lewis instead of her.
After an agonizing 15 minute car ride, I saw. I saw everything. People walking on the streets, cars piled one right after another, the beautiful ferris wheel carrying people around and around in it’s repetitive circular motions. The light. The noise. The people. I was overjoyed. I didn’t even care that I didn’t get there at 4 like I was supposed to, at this point I was just excited to even BE in Tustin. I ran out my car and I don’t even remember if I said bye to my mom or not but honestly, I didn’t even care. I just cared about getting to my friends as soon as possible. I called Chelsea and she told me she was at the food area. I told her I just wanted to talk to her, but that I wasn’t going to be able to go to Tillers. She believed me. Then, I asked her which booth she was at and she told me that she was sitting down. She asked me why I was asking her so many questions and I told her that I was trying to look for her. I heard the phone go silent for a couple seconds and then I SAW HER and heard her say WHAT?! WHERE ARE YOU?! And then I said, you look really cute! The shirt you’re wearing is pink, right? She frantically looks around and then we saw each other. And then it was like I had never left Tustin in the first place. I knew that I would never have a better best friend than the ones I have now. Well then Zoya ran at me and gave me a big hug and I gave Katie a big hug and then I felt someone SLAM into my body. Hard. And it was Khadija! Gosh, it was seriously one of the best reunions ever. I love my friends. I couldn’t have been happier than I was right then and there. We walked around and saw SO many people, it was amazing! I hugged like everybody and seeing everybody I used to go to school with felt like such an amazing blessing.

So that was me crying for 2 hours straight and then getting to see my friends for 4 hours. It was amazing though :)
And right now, I’m trying to convince my mom to let me go to Tillers again today. It’s the last day that it’s open and it’s seriously one of the last opportunities for me to see my friends since they’re all going today. And if I’m not there, I’M SERIOUSLY GOING TO DIE! I already got upset this morning, haha.

Crying feels GOOD!

My goodness, it’s been AGES since I’ve blogged! School always gets in the way, but I still love blogging and I’ve missed it a lot! In case I never mentioned it, cause I don’t remember, we’ve moved into our new house and I guess it’s okay. My mom hasn’t started cooking anything yet, but I absolutely LOVE having my own room even though ironically, I’m blogging from Cindy’s room. Hahaha, we still haven’t quite separated entirely, so that’s good. I’ve made even MORE new friends, so that’s pretty cool. But I still think about all of my other friends all the time. It gets really depressing and lonely a lot of the times like it did today. All my friends were hanging out with each other and I really wanted to go to club rush, but nobody wanted to go with me. But then this one girl named Sam said she’d go with me but we just ended up going to her friends so I nothing done with club rush. And I just seriously wish that one of my old friends were still with me. Cause then I would have ONE person to be with me during lunch and go with me places and stuff like that.

Okay, so you know how I’ve mentioned a couple times that I cry really easily now a days? Well I watched UP today and I seriously like fell through all the cracks that I tried to seal up. I mean yea, it was a sad movie and I would have cried inevitably, but I didn’t think I would cry THAT much. Towards the end, I was bawling my eyes out [geez, how many times have I used that line throughout my whole blog?!]. So yea, crying so much to the point where I could barely see through my swollen eye lids. The tears just GUSHED out, they had no mercy for my face and just rained down. By the time the movie was over was the time I finally stopped crying. I quickly turned on the lights to see how I looked and it was awful. My face had red splotches all over and my eyes looked like they were half closed.
But to be honest, it makes me feel SO good when I cry cause it makes me feel like I’m not such a heartless, emotionless person after all! Hahah, but really. I kinda do love it when I cry because when the tears pour out, the pain pours out with it. I am so emotionally unstable that if something really sad or something makes me awfully angry, I’ll just get mad and then shove into my box of feelings. And then it will build up and more and more and it will fill every corner and crevice. And then something small will happen such as watching UP or reading a poem in Health class or even just discussing a certain topic in Health will make me boil over and then I will dump out everything. And then I’ll be crying and people will be like, why are you crying? And I’ll be like, I don’t know! Not really. But yea.
So yea, Iono, but I love it when I cry. I encourage myself to cry more often. And it’s not like I’m a complete boob who cries all the time, but I do cry more than I used to and for some reason, I just feel amazing when I cry. Even if I look the complete opposite once I’m finished. Hahaha
SHIZ, I hate when I sleep late! It’s so annoying! But it’s become such a habit that I won’t stop myself from doing whatever until it’s super late and then I will become tired and fall asleep. And then I’ll be dead in the morning. Oh god, I seriously do not want to deal with the rest of the school year like this. I did it all of 8th grade and for once, I’d like to sleep before the day ends. So my goal is to one day, sleep before 12am and it has to be a school night. My other goal is to set and alarm and actually wake up to it since I’m completely immune to the sound of alarms and ringtones and what not. LOL

**Please continue the rest of this blog entry on October 4th**

I just cried

Alright, so I just spent the past couple of minutes crying. Cause I’m on my period, which means that I’m extremely hormonal and super sensitive to tears. I’m so sick of all this yelling in the house, it seriously pisses me off. Someone yells at me to wake up. Then they yell at me cause I’m gonna be late for school when I actually have an hour to get there. Someone yells at me to eat food cause I didn’t eat lunch. Someone hits me in the head cause it’s supposed to be “funny” when really, it’s annoying as fuck. Someone yells at me to go do my homework when I can manage my own time and tell them to leave me alone. Someone tells me to go take a shower before I do my homework because its loud when I shower at night. And I know I sound like a complete bitch, but I do it on purpose. I don’t really care if it bothers them. They bother me, I bother them. It’s a one way circle. They make me eat dinner but I don’t want any food in my system and they just keep bagging me and hammering me about it. And I cannot get them to shut the fuck up. There are 6 adults in this house and 4 of them just absolutely LOVE to yell at me 24/7.

When we move back and my dad lives with us, I honestly don’t know how I’m going to get through any of that. Back in Tustin, it was me, my mom, and my sister in one room and I was completely okay with that cause it wasn’t like we were all in the room at the same time or anything. My dad came home once every 2 weeks, so does it make me a bad person that I wish he didn’t come home so often? I honestly think it would be better if my dad wasn’t home with us. He yells a LOT and I have quite a temper and my family’s not so great at controlling their tempers, so I don’t think it would be a good mix for us all to be under the same roof. I hate all the yelling and hammering and pressure to go do something. My dad tells me to do something and literally 3 seconds later, he yells. It’s so annoying.

When you cry too much, but you still have your contacts on, it hurts like shizzzzz. Like a lot. It actually kinda makes you feel super sleepy, so after that cry sesh, I just really feel like going to sleep.

Ugh, okay, I’m done with this blog. I don’t have much more to say, so I’m just gonna conclude and go finish my homework cause I’m actually kinda sick of sleeping every night at 1:30am. I think this is the shortest blog I’ve ever done! I’m planning on just having short and brief blogs more often so the updates are more constant. But on the other hand, I kinda like having my really long blogs every once in a while as well. I’m not sure which I should do. Eh, maybe I’ll just blog when I REALLY have something I’d like to get off my chest. Since I’m in a bad mood, I can’t blog about friends or guys or high school right now ]: But in my next blog, I plan on going into tremendous details about friends, guys, and school.

Oh and thanks to people who actually read this. It makes me feel like I actually have a purpose to write besides venting.

Love, Julie

PS. Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. Make a difference and save someone’s life. <3>

Fifteen

I titled this post “Fifteen” cause that’s a song Taylor Swift wrote about when she was 15 and entering her Freshman year and it’s totally and perfectly relatable, even though I’m not that age yet. On the day before school started, I turned my iPod on and put this song on repeat so I could fall asleep to it. It was amazing and it really helped. See, this is why Taylor Swift is like my LIFE in the music department :)

“You take a deep breath as you walk through the halls, it’s the morning of your very first day. You said hi to your friends you haven’t seen in a while, try to stay out of everybody’s way. It’s your Freshman year and you’re gonna be here for the next 4 years in this town.”

The only part that didn’t apply to me was that I didn’t have any “friends” at my new school. It was me and 3,500 strangers. But anyway, I shall begin:

So I just ended my first week of high school as a Freshman. I wasn't particularly too ecstatic about it, but I mean I didn't hate it or anything. It was just okay. I made two friends named Jammie and Ivy and they’re really nice, but I’m not too fond of Ivy’s boyfriend and his friends. I don’t feel like I could become friends with those guys; I feel like I’m only there cause I’m friends with Ivy. I don’t have any classes with them really, cause in my Algebra2/Trig [A2/T] and Bio class there are mostly sophmores. I sit next to this sophmore in my bio class and I guess he’s pretty okay looking? He sits behind me in A2/T too.

I like my Spanish teacher; she tells us a lot of interesting stuff. I took Spanish 1 in middle school, but I didn’t think I was ready to move on to Spanish 2, so I’m retaking Spanish 1. Which is like crazy insane cause I’ve never retaken a course before.

My biology teacher seems funny and nice, but I can tell that she means business and I am NOT going to have a easy time in her class. So that kinda suckssss ]: but I’m gonna try to not procrastinate so much this year and just get things done and over with. I don’t need the heavy loads of pressure that I had last year.

My health teacher is the BEST! He is soo funny and he’s super duper nice and he can totally relate to all of us. He sounds like he’s gonna make the class informative but fun and I think I’m really gonna enjoy learning about health. Buuut, he said there are gonna be pictures of stuff growing in private areas and I’m definitely not looking forward to that…I’m mainly looking forward to the units where we learn about depression, family and friend relationships, eating disorders, and stuff like that.

My A2/T teacher is really outgoing and down to earth. She jokes around with us at the right times, but she always has math first. She said she has stories to tell us and I always love when teachers do that, but A2/T sounds kinda hard =/ The work is kinda a lot, but I’m used to it, it’s just that I’m really afraid about the tests cause I’ve never really been a test person when it comes to math… I’m gonna pay a LOT of attention though cause I really wanna do well in this class.
I heard that my PE teacher was nice, but I don’t really know her personally yet, so I’ll just have to wait and see.

I used to hate my English teacher cause 1) I didn’t get into English Honors and for some reason, I took my anger and turned into hate on her 2) I thought she was WAY too annoying with her loud talking and laughing. But then I realized that she kinda has a hard job since she’s a student teacher and she’s just trying to connect with the class and now that I think about it, I respect that. She also loves writing and writing is one of the favorite things to do in the world [as you can tell from my blog]. I’m gonna try to give her a chance and actually try to become more personal with her. I’m actually kinda glad that I’m in a regular English class cause I hate the heavy homework and project loads and just for ONCE I’d like to experience what it’s like to be in a regular class and have less homework [which is kinda impossible since I’m in A2/T and Bio…] haha.

So that sums up my teachers and classes. Nowww on to the more “emotional” part of this.
Like I have said, and like I keep saying, I miss my friends soo much. I know I’ve made two friends, but it’s really not the same. I mean, they’re very nice and everything, but I don’t think they could ever reach HALF of what my best friends were to me. I can’t really tell them anything and it’s really hard to relate to either of them. Plus, I’d kind of like to make more friends than that. And just thinking back on everything that’s happened to me just makes me miss it all. People always say that they want to go back in time and relive a relationship with a guy cause she was so blissfully happy, but I was never happier than when I was with my friends. And if I could, I would go back in time and relive those moments in middle school. We all have this friendship ring and it either says “Friends” or it says “Forever”. Personally, I think “Forever” is more deep and meaningful and kind of mysterious cause when people look at the ring they’re just like, “Forever? With who?” :) But anyway, we all have this ring and some of the others lost theirs, but I would seriously die if I ever lost mine. It’s the ONLY jewelry I’ll wear 24/7 cause it’s like always having a piece of my best friends with me wherever I go. And I know that people the true pieces of your friends lie in your heart, but this ring is really special to me. It’s beginning to turn pink cause of how old it is and it’s scratched all over, but the words “Forever” remain beautifully engraved. That’s how our friendships are. Old, rusted, and damaged, but more beautiful than you could ever imagine.

Today, me and my friend were talking about how we’ve become closer because of our distance apart. “Distance makes the heart grow fonder” or something like that and even though I’d rather have her there with me everyday, she’s right. If we were together at school everyday, we’d tell each other stuff, but we’d leave out all the important stuff. Now, we talk on the phone ALL the time, which hardly happened before, and we tell each other EVERYTHING. I used to say that I told my best friends everything, but that was definitely over stating it. Now, we definitely talk about everything. And I guess that’s one of the things that’s so “cool”? about being far apart. We get to know each other even better and we tell each other all our drama and crushes, so it’s exactly like being in on the drama from far away.

To be honest, I miss my old 8th grade teacher, Mrs. Hastings. She wasn’t exactly my favorite teacher last year, but now that I think about it, I really appreciate her teaching and her homework. Cause she was RIGHT, high school has a LOT of homework and she really got me prepared. So thanks soo much Mrs. Hastings! I’ve been meaning to write an email to her to thank her :)
I think the person I miss the most [and I know I’ve said this before] but I miss Ms. Tiffani! She was such a kinda and understanding soul. And besides my best friends, I’d say she knows me the best. She always knew what to say and gave me the most amazing advice I had ever received without a doubt. I seriously like almost cried on the phone talking to Zoya cause we were talking about how much we missed Tiffani.

I feel so lost at school. Yes, I can find my classes absolutely fine, but I feel lost in an awfully confused way. There’s nothing I can do about it cause I can’t even figure out the one thing I want right now. Well actually I do know. I want a best friend, but if you’ve ever known my best friends from middle school, you will know that I probably will never have anyone as amazing or special as they are.
And I don’t wanna ramble on anymore cause I wanna just conclude the blog with that last sentence cause it’s true, so I’m gonna go to bed.
If my besties out there are reading this, I love youuu!

School. Friends. Life.

DAMN, does time fly. Tomorrow's my last day of summer and it feels as if it were yesterday that I was crying snot dripping tears on the last day of school. I don't know if I can write this blog without crying cause I'm already starting to feel tears well up in my eyes, but I'm gonna try. So lately I've been thinking about this whole thing about 'change' and how it HAS to happen and how it's inevitable. I know it obviously has to happen, but I don't want it to.
I registered for school today. I didn't get any of the classes I wanted since I was a late transfer. I wanted Honors English, Bio, Algebra2/Trig. What did I end up getting? English 1, CollegePrep PhysScience, and Geometry [again]. I can't get into Honors English at all, if someone drops out of Bio, THEN I can get in, and I have to take a placement test to get into Algebra 2. This is so complicated. If only I lived in Tustin. That way, I'll be guaranteed to get into the classes I want.
I have no friends right now, and I just REALLY want someone to be there that I can cry to. I need a best friend cause right now, I have nobody. This pains me more than anything in the world, being alone right now. Crap, I just started crying. I can text my friends in a heartbeat and they’ll be there to comfort me and listen to my problems, but none of them can actually understand and like I said, it’s not their fault. I just wish there was someone who would actually physically be here who GETS what I’m trying to say.
My friend Cindy, who goes to the same church as me, is a junior and she also goes to FV and I love her to pieces. She’s such a great person and friend, but I don’t just wanna dump all my problems on her for her to deal with.
Whoever said that they don’t need friends is wrong. I used to say it myself. I said that because I was afraid to admit that I desperately DID need friends, so I just told myself that I was well and comfy to function without friends. But I was so incredibly stupid. Now I’ll admit it. I’ll shout it. I’ll announce it to the whole entire world. I NEED A FRIEND. I’m desperate for a soul who will be there for me and help me through my stupid freshman year of high school.
Most people just waltz through the high school gates acting as if they’re the shit just cause they can finally consider themselves high school students. But I’m not gonna do that. I’m gonna be honest and truthful and admit to you right now that I’m scare shitless. I don’t wanna do this, I can’t do this. It’s scary, it’s frightening. I mean yea, it’s freakin awesome, but on the inside I’m being ripped and torn into pieces. Everyday I drift away from my friends, knowing that with every hour and second that goes by, I won’t know what goes on in their lives like I used to. We can’t gossip and complain together. I’m afraid of being myself around people cause they don’t know all sides of me and they might not accept me for who I am or something like that… of course I’m not gonna be fake, but I’m just idk, worried? It feels so weird typing all of this cause I’m usually SUPER social and I’m never afraid to talk to people, but I guess it’s just different this time. I won’t know if I’m choosing the right friends to hang out with, but I've got to give people a chance if I want a chance from them as well.
ASDFGHJKL I just had a conversation with Cindy. She just made me cry. I don’t think I’ve ever had someone as inspirational and encouraging as her. I’m sitting here moping and sulking while there is MUCH more than being in an honors class. Though I would much rather prefer to take classes that are challenging for me, taking a regular class isn’t the end of the world.
Haha, that was weird…I started writing this blog to write about how I hate school and how life isn’t fair cause I didn’t get things my way, but I think I’ve made a big improvement. I’m looking at high school a little more brightly. I’m still in the process of finding my best friend, but that always takes time.
My mood has definitely changed and I’m so glad cause I REALLY did not want to start high school pissed off and angry. LOL
FVHS, here I come…Go Barons…? :)

PS. I know that my life’s not ruined and that life messes up, but it continues to go on. And that's something we all kinda have to deal with whether we like it or not

Thankful

Alright, sorry for last 2 blogs. They were all emo and depressing and stuff. Trust me, it was the mood swings. Haha. I had a rude awakening by my dad this morning to go to Fountain Valley to ask them about our high school registration. Turns out we have to wait at least a week for them to give us a call. Crap, I wanna get into the school, but I wanna get honors classes too. Hm, well I guess all I can do is just sit back and “let things fall into place”
My dad and I seem to be doing better than the past week. I think and hope anyway. We went to TUSTIN! And visited my cousins! I was sooo happy, you have no idea. My cousin Scott came back and he’s sleeping in our old room. So once we move out, he’ll have his room all to himself. I guess it’s kinda depressing for me, but I’m happy for him and I’m glad he’s back. I saw Kim which made me really happy and I think Kim, Jeffrey, and Scott are gonna come out to the bonfire that’s being held for me and my sister on Sunday. We picked up my CST scores and I must say that I was very happy with my results. For once, I’m not criticizing my own grade!
Well after we left Tustin, we went to Fountain Valley to look at the progress. Everything had been taken out, even the built in cabinets. All that’s left was the walls and tiles. On the bright side, my room is painted! On the moody side, it turned out more green-aqua-blue instead of a solid light green I was hoping for, but I think I’ll eventually grow out of green and settle for this color since it’s more neutral.
We came home and thankfully, after three days of waiting, I was taken to the library. I’m pretty sad cause I’m still missing 7 Alice books and found out that the library I go to doesn’t carry those at all. But I guess I can wait til we move so that I can borrow those at the FV library.
Dangit, I had finished writing my blog, but Microsoft Word stopped working and didn’t save the rest! Oh well, I’ll try to rewrite as best I can and remember.
Well I guess today I’m just really thankful.
I’m thankful that I got to visit my cousins today.
I’m thankful that I’m here and I’m healthy
I’m thankful for a sister for when times get tough. Or just plain boring
I’m thankful for amazing celebrities we can all look up to. MileyCyrus<3>

Rambling, kinda

Today, I finished the last Alice book I had borrowed from the library. It’s a series and I was missing maybe about 5 books inbetween. So I had read the beginning and I had read the end, but the middle was missing. [Gosh I am so anxious to read the missing ones! I hope they’re in the library when I go tomorrow]
I don’t wanna get all smart mouthy, but isn’t that how life is? You know your beginning. That’s your birth. And you know your end. Your death. But then where’s the rest of your life? You don’t know what the heck happens in the middle. Well, life’s not a library. You can’t just come in and expect for there to be a book to complete your life. Nobody else is the author of your life but yourself. Ever heard the quote that goes something like “I’m writing my life story. Unfortunately, I’ve written in pen and I can’t erase my mistakes.” Something like that, anyway. Well what I’ve got to say is, SO? You use a pen and God gives you whiteout. I know, I know, sometimes it’s not that easy, but at least it’s worth a try.

Okay, where the heck am I going with this? I don’t even know what I’m saying. Anyway, why do people always hold onto their pasts? And when they do hold on to the past, why do people scold them and tell them to stop?
Well, maybe people hold onto their pasts because that’s when their lives were never better. Maybe that’s the time that people had no regrets and nothing went wrong. But we need the other people to scold us. They’re with us for a reason. To make sure that we don’t fantasize about trying to live in the past when it’s already gone. It’s done and it’s over. I always say stuff, but I don’t necessarily always take my own advice. I DO tell other people that the past is in the past, but I hold on too. I think everybody does. And though I may not want to reverse the hours of the clock and live back in the day, I do miss some things that occurred back then. Hanging out with my cousins and my friends. Having life as amazing as ever. Living however I wanted when the ONLY problem in the way was boredom. Now my problems include missing my friends. Missing my cousins. Missing my house, my bed.
Life problems come in different shapes and sizes. And JUST because someone doesn’t have to deal with your problem, doesn’t mean that they don’t have problems of their own. Maybe you’re going through a breakup with your boyfriend and you expect everyone to sympathize. And when not everyone does, you have to understand that there’s more to life than a boyfriend you really loved.
Maybe somebody else is having a huge argument with their best friend.
Maybe somebody else is feeling awfully left out because none of her friends talk to her. Maybe somebody else has an eating disorder and can’t quite control it.
Maybe somebody else is addicted to drugs and it’s turning their life upside down.
Maybe somebody else is poor and can’t afford cool stuff, and hardly food.
Maybe somebody else has leukemia or cancer and is on the verge of dying.
Suddenly it makes your problems look really small. And then you’re super thankful that you are who you are and that you still have hair on your head. I write this and I KNOW that I should take my own advice, but it’s hard. Everything in life is hard. Life was not meant or created to be easy. Or maybe it was and we’re all just making it more complicated for ourselves. I don’t know.

I just opened this document where I copy and pasted these quotes about writing from this one website. One of my favorites says:

“Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self.”
“Don't try to figure out what other people want to hear from you; figure out what you have to say.”

I really could not agree more with both. I think I’m a fairly good writer, but I also know that sometimes my writing stinks. Sometimes people can write anything from the top of their heads, but sometimes I get stuck. That’s why I doodle in my notebook and I promise you, there isn’t anything better than scribbling down the lyrics to the song you relate to most or just plain drawing.
I love writing and I don’t care if people think I’m a horrible person for what I write. I hate when people think I’m a bad person for cursing. I admit, sometimes I DO direct words to a certain person, but most of the time I just cuss cause it seems to fit with my writing and I like it that way. Ugh, okay to be honest, I have nothing to write about, so I’m just rambling. Reading back on this, I don’t even understand where some of these topics are emerging. It sucks when I run out of things to say cause I ALWAYS have something to say, but none of it is worthy of being written down right now. I’ll probably just repeat a topic and start talking about how lonely I am. Dammit. I just realized that I don’t have an effing book to read tonight. So I’ll probably stay up doing nothing. Crap, I depended on reading, you know. Reading was my life for the past um, 3 days. 4 books a day for 3 days. Boy, do I feel amazing. haha
Oh how I wish I had a smoothie. It would definitely cheer me up right now without a doubt. But I haven’t been out shopping or anything at all. My parents are too busy. My aunt and uncle aren’t able to take me anywhere. My shoppaholic aunt is doing who knows what. I feel so antisocial. But even if my aunt DID take me shopping, it’ll probably be to Nordstrom or Macy’s or some expensive place so that I wouldn’t have the fun or pleasure of shopping anyway. I wish I could go out with my friends and make up more amazing memories that would last with us forever. I wish I could hang out with my cousins and get some ice cream on a hot day. Doing all of that seems so far away when it was actually only a week ago. And then school’s kind of right around the corner too. I’M NOT EVEN REGISTERED FOR SCHOOL YET! I want to take honors classes and do well and get into a good college and have a successful job, but I don’t even know what the hell I want for my job right now. God, I swear life sucks. I was supposed to be registered like a week ago, but I’ll probably have to go to school at Los Amigos and not Fountain Valley.

Well I've run out of things to say, so this will be it for now.

Getting upset and stuff

Have any of you guys ever gotten in an argument with your parents? Have you ever yelled back at them, knowing you were wrong? Have you ever gone out of your way just to piss em off? Have your ever ignored what they told you NOT to do and just went along doing it? I mean, haven’t we ALL done that?
My parents can seriously tick me off SO much. They tell me to get off the computer, but it’s summer and it’s not even late and I’m not even tired! They tell me to find something else to do other than go on the computer and immediately I say that there’s nothing to do over the summer and what do they expect me to do, study?! And then my parents tell me that I could at least read here and then right away I dramatically gesture around the room and go, well do you SEE any books that I can read around here? And then I got yelled at for being a smart ass. I’ve been doing stuff like that lately. I’m not the “good, smart, responsible child” my parents thought I was and want me to be. Well newsflash mother and father, I’m not perfect! And I’m not going to try to be for you!

The other day, my dad told me to get off the computer and I said okay and finished up the sentence I was typing and literally 5 seconds later,[I counted] he screams at me and tells me to get off NOW. I say, “I am! Be quiet!” A second later, he’s right beside me and I get a smack to my head. My dad and uncle always slap me on my head. Uh, way to kill my brain cells and then expect me to be smart. Assholes. It’s not like it hurt, it’s just that they do it ALL the time and sometimes for no reason at all and it’s really annoying. I swear next time someone slaps me up the head, I’m gonna turn around and slap ‘em back. Except for my dad. He never jokes around anymore.

He used to be fun and all, but now he’s just impatient and grumpy. He always laughed with my sister and me and we used to love it when he came home cause he only came home once every two weeks working in Bakersfield. Eventually, there came a point where I didn’t want him to come home cause he was so annoying. And now that our house in Fountain Valley is being remodeled, we’re staying at my Aunt’s house and I see my dad every night when he comes home from helping out with the remodeling. [I never see him in the morning cause I never wake up early enough. And I never try to.]

I was seriously so annoyed and aggravated at my dad that I didn’t care if he had to wake up early in the morning. I turned off the computer as he told me to and stomped into my room. The floor is wood so it makes a looouuudddd noise. He yelled at me to stop and be quiet and I just yelled back, IM SORRY, I’M TOO FAT TO CONTROL MYSELF. There. That should shut him up. He calls me fat all the fucking time anyway. I went into my room, grabbed my clothes, and slammed the bathroom door. I locked it and then began singing “I HATE MY DAAAAAAD” in a high, squeaky, and extremely annoying voice. Like I said, I didn’t like my dad that day. I wanted to annoy him just as he had been annoying the shit out of me for the past couple of days. I heard someone try to open the bathroom and then I heard my dad’s voice say “WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?!” I calmly replied “I’m taking a SHOWER!” And under my breath I added “Now go the fuck away.” I had done a lot of cussing that night. All under my breath, of course. I stepped into the shower, turned on the water and began the show. I sang and sang and sang. I sang along to every melody I could think of at that moment and tried to be as loud as I could. I didn’t care if I got in trouble, I didn’t care about anything, except for reading. Oh, and my mom. I loved my mom a lot the past week.

Even though both my parents were gone for the whole day until the evening, I still escaped outside, sat on my grandfather’s creaky rocking chair, and read Alice McKinley books by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor. I liked reading, but only books that were interesting. If they were, I could have probably finished 6 books in a day. These books were my lifesavers for a couple of days. I got so wrapped up in Alice’s life and problems that I didn’t even pay attention to my own. If Alice was upset and heartbroken, I was upset and heartbroken for her. If Alice was feeling happy, giddy and romantic, then I felt the same way too. It was really nice just to stop thinking about school and life and forgotten friends.

I always think of my cousins. Always. They’re ­back in Tustin and I’m here, wishing more than anything in the world that I could be in Tustin with them this very moment. I found out that my cousin Scott, who I had also lived with for 8 years, just moved back from Texas. He had lived there for 5 months with his mom, but then decided he wanted to go back to school here with his aunt, who he’s been living with his whole life. I miss them all so much; I just can’t help but cry sometimes. I wish I had someone to talk to about this. Someone who would lie down in bed across from me who I could just spill all of this to. I know I can tell my friends, but not all of them really understand how it is and I don’t want to sound whiny to them. I’ve heard soo many times that things change. And I hate hearing it. Okay, yea, things change and I know they have to, but I don’t want them to. And I don’t want somebody to just sit there and tell me that it’s going to be okay and that life will carry on and I’ll make new friends and love my new life. Maybe I will, but right now, I kinda hate it. I just want someone to talk to me and understand what I’m going through. I want to sit there and spill everything to someone and talk as long as I want [cause I can go on for hours] and I want to cry while I talk and have them comfort me and tell me some crazy amazing advice. I want a counselor. Not just a counselor. I want a friend. I want someone like my old middle school counselor, Ms. Tiffani. I want someone to ask me questions relevant to what I’m going through.
I don’t want people to tell me that I’m strong and that I can handle this cause I’m a big girl with a smart head cause I don’t even care about that. I just don’t want to go through this alone. If there’s one thing I hate more than snakes, it’s being alone. And I’m not talking about the kind of alone where you sit outside by yourself and everyone plays inside, I’m talking about the alone where you’re the only one in this world. That sounds dramatic, but what I mean is that I want someone THERE. There’s nobody HERE for me! I have my friends, but it’s been so long since I’ve seen them and they’re all going to the same high school together and here I am just alone and lonely and I haven’t talked to all of them in forever. I feel so abandoned. And it’s not their fault or anything, it’s just that time has pulled us apart and I’m afraid more than ever that not even our friendships could piece us together again.
I have to go to high school in a new area with people I don’t know and honestly, I’m scared. There’s nobody there with me on the first day of school. I can’t walk around and look for somebody I can link arms with while I look for my locker. I’m completely on my own and I know it. That’s why I feel abandoned. That’s why I feel alone. That’s why I’m crying. For the first time in a long time, I feel left out. I’m not saying I’ve always felt popular, I’m just saying I’ve always been around people I love and for the first time, they’re all going to be together in high school and I’m not.

I’ve never been the one who cries easily. If someone makes a mean comment about me, I blush and get mad, but I get over it. If I fall down hard and it hurts, I whine about it and then it get over it. But now that everything I’ve ever loved has been taken away from me, I can’t do anything but cry lately these days. Crying seems to be a habit. Something SO simple can make tears run down my face. The other day I was pissed off about losing my notebook and then I got an email from my cousin Kim who I’ve lived with for 8 years and it set off the waterworks. I bawled and sobbed and cried. I couldn’t stop and it was one of the most wonderful letters I’ve ever received. It’s probably because I PMS and I get moody and my emotions are a friggin roller coaster. Or maybe I’ve just been a huge mess ever since school was over.