Growing up.

The previous post was really extremely, awfully random. I was up at like 2 am last night talking to someone and I decided to blog. It was 2 am, I wasn't thinking, I just let my fingers hit the keyboard and BAM, that story came out. Now most you can you look at it and know immediately who I'm talking about, so let me just tell you that I don't know why that came out. I'm not having issues about it or anything, it just...yea.
SO, MOVING ALONG,
We all grow up. We're all still growing up. And I know that, but sometimes, I just want everything to stop so that I'll never have to grow up. Because growing up means that you have more responsibilities and you WILL have more problems that are probably 10x more fucked up than the ones that you have now. And if you think about it, your problems probably seem like a brush off the shoulder to an adult. Cause when you're an adult, you don't get second chances. When you screw up, what's done is done. You don't get a piece of paper that says you get 5 points extra credit for each little square you turn in at the end of the quarter. No, life's not like that. That's why you have to decide everything so carefully. You can't just be like oh whatever, who cares if I screw up now, I can just make up for it later. NO, you CAN'T make it up later. The thing is that people are so ignorant and they think that they're so good at getting by in high school and everything is so easy that they won't have to work hard when it comes to life. But that's really not the case. If you blow everything off right now, when in hell are you going to begin to take life seriously? Maybe those people who don't take life seriously haven't grown up yet. They're just little kids who mess up everything and expect other people to fix it just like they did when they were younger.
Well, I'm not like that. I've taken life seriously everyday for ALMOST my whole life [you gotta be a kid SOME time, right?]. I've never said to myself "well, I don't have to work hard on this project cause I can just do better later and make up for it". I'm definitely not like that. And that's why I'm so scared to grow up, cause I ALREADY know I'm growing up and it's not all that comforting. And I know it sounds so childish to say this, but I don't want to grow up cause I just DON'T want to handle it. But I mean, can you blame me? Yea, life can be good, but sometimes it's a bitch. No actually, life is a constant pain-inflicting, headache-giving, stressing mother fucker. That's what it is for a lot of people out there and sometimes I just don't want to be one of those people. A lot of my friends want to grow up as soon as possible so they can drive and have a boyfriend and go to college and get out of the house, but all that just seems so.. stressful. And I KNOOOOW that you need to grow up and experience all this because that's how life is. I don't need anyone telling me that, but that's not the point of this entry right now. Maybe later when I have some weird epiphany, I'll write an entry about how wonderful life is and how I wanna grow up, but not right now. Not this blog. Not today.
Today, I'm writing about how I'm terrified of facing the world. Why would I ever want to grow up and go to college? That just means that I have to get a job and I have to pay for college and there's more drifting amongst friends. When I get married I'm inevitably going to have marital problems and if I have kids, they're going to be a pain in the ass. Why would I want that? I can't even kiss someone for God's sake. Why? Because it's part of growing up. And I don't want to. I know, SO IMMATURE, but that's how my mind is working right now. Don't get me wrong, I'm an extremely mature person, I know how to handle things and I can take care of myself if I need to. I think. But the thing is that I'm doing so well NOW that I don't want to grow up and have to start this whole process over again. I like where I am, I want to stay at this stage. Almost everyone at my age has kissed a guy, but I haven't and frankly, I don't even care. I don't even think about that kinda crap. I'm not the type of person who needs a relationship to define who I am. I don't need a guy to define who I am. I don't need someone there to whisper sweet nothings into my ear. And granted, I know not all guys are like that, but most of them are. And yea, people are gonna tell me that I have to go out there and LOOK for my guy, but that's the OTHER thing. I don't want to look. I just want to be 14 years old and deal with family and friends and school problems. I don't want to have my life clouded with some GUY who's going to take over my mind so that I can't think coherently. I've had enough of tha and I don't think I can handle it right now.
Some people are like Julie, seriously, what is wrong with you. But honestly, I can't even answer that question. Right now, I am blogging at 245am and it's taken me like 2 days to write this blog and I'll probably need one or two more days to finish this. So yea, it's really late at night and I don't really know if what I'm typing makes sense. Like, I know the sentences make sense, but I don't know if they relate to each other at all. Oh well. Continuing, I don't know WHY I can't do anything with guys. Maybe it has nothing to do with growing up, maybe I just have issues. I've never held hands with a guy romantically, I've never kissed someone on the mouth or cheek, I've never cuddled. Okay seriously, I don't understand why people are like I looooooove cuddling! I'm just like...kay, that's great. You know what I cuddle with? My pillow. It's like a million times more comfortable than wrapping your arms and legs around bones and flesh. Maybe that's just me. Yea, it probably is just me, but whatever.
When you KISS someone, doesn't that feel awkward? Or uncomfortable? Cause if your lips are wet and his lips are wet, wouldn't that kiss be pretty..WET?
I hate when you're like "I want this sooo badly" and then when you're right on the verge of getting it, you totally chicken out. Do you remember when you were a kid and all you could think about was having a boyfriend who would hold you and wipe away your tears for you? Well now that I think about it, having someone do that for me would scare the shiiiit outta me. WHY would that be scary, you ask? I think it's cause I'm such an independent person and if someone came into my life and did things for me, it would freak me out. And right now, half of my mind is imagining being in someone's arms and I'm just like GET ME A BOYFRIEND. NOW. But then the other half of my mind is just like, ew, why would you want someone to be all lovey dovey with you; you know you're not lovey dovey.. and that thought would take over and suddenly I'd be all creeped out by a guy.
Sometimes I think it's just cause I haven't found THE right guy yet. I would like a guy and then he'd like me back and I would stop liking him. WTF right?! Yea, I don't get it either. But maybe when I liked him, I had imagined him to be this PERFECT guy who I couldn't have and I just had to have him. And I was so excited and into the chase, I loved the thrill of running after him, trying to get a grasp of him in my arms. But then once he likes me back, I just get all awkward with the fact that this guy really ISN'T my dream guy and when I caught up to him and spun him around, he was nothing like the guy in the running picture. This applies to all guys by the way, not just one. And maybe it's as simple as the statement "You always want what you can't have". It seems greedy and selfish, but that's how human minds work, isn't it? You want the iTouch cause you hate your iPod Nano, but then once you get your iTouch, you don't really want it anymore. And you begin to wany ANOTHER thing you don't have. Well, same thing applies with guys. You always want that guy you simply can't have. Because it's a goal, a DESIRE to have him, and once you're obtained him, you realize there isn't much to do with him anymore.
And I'm not saying that this is always the case, but it is most of the time for me. But anyway, this is how I feel about growing up and being involved in relationships and what not. I could totallyyy elaborate on this, but I was supposed to post this last week, so I suppose I'll just post it now..haha

XXX, Julie

[The X is for hugging, and the O is for kissing. Therefore, I only included X's. Clever, huh?]
hahah :)