I've been freaking out about my math test ever since last week. And I really did pay attention in class and I really tried to understand, but I just couldn't and it was the most frustrating thing ever. I felt really stupid for not understanding and I felt stupid for taking that class. I was scared cause my test was today and I was terrified of turning in a blank test cause I just didn't GET it. I wanted to stop caring about school and I didn't want to care if I got bad grades. But I know that's not who I am and I'm always going to care about my grades no matter what. So I took the test today and it really wasn't that bad. It was challenging, but I actually understood almost all of the concepts. I know I did my best and I'm going to be okay if I get a bad grade on it. Cause I've gotten so used to trying to make everything perfect because that was the only way I could make myself happy. I know I'm not a perfect person, but if I got my grades to be perfect, then maybe it would make up for it and it would be okay. And then once I started getting bad grades in math, I just felt horrible because if I was imperfect and my grades were imperfect, there was nothing I could do to make myself acceptable. I felt like a failure and I still do sometimes, but I think I've learned that nobody is perfect and I need to fail in order to learn from my mistakes. I'm trying to get through this class literally one breath at a time, but it's going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay in the end.
And another thing is that I feel very left out sometimes. At school, I'm not LIKE those other girls. They're obsessed with their image and they worry excessively about boys and gossip and it's just not me. I hate that I'm not like them cause I know that I can never completely fit in. I mean of course I'm always going to be myself, but I just feel like those girls are at a different level than I am. And another thing is these relationships. They're not bad or anything, it's just that they're another thing that make me feel..out of it. Everybody moves at their own pace and everybody knows when they're ready to be in one, and I'm happy with where I am relationships wise, but there's just something irksome about it that I can't quite put my finger on. Like..I'm trying to say this, but I don't wanna make anyone feel offended.
So lately there's been this outburst of relationships and crushes at TN and stuff and I know I've said this before, but there's just so much change. Of course I'm happy for you and ***** and *** and ***** and all, but I feel like it won't be the same. Not completely, anyway. In a way, I feel sort of abandoned. [not by you guys, just in general] I feel like ever since I moved, I've had to deal with a lot of things by myself. [this is where I start crying as I type this] And even though I know that there are people there for me to help me out, I still feel like I'm alone. I feel like nobody really understands what I'm going through and even though some people have helped me out, they've never quite said anything that's really made me say "YES, YOU GET IT!" You're one of my best friends and you know that, but I just need that person who's a best friend who goes to the same school who I can talk to. And back to the thing about feeling abandoned, I don't mean that anyone's left me, I mean like I'm the only one who hasn't been in anything with anyone and now everyone else is on a certain level where they understand each other except for me. This is so hard to explain...I feel very..lost in my life right now. I don't know what I want and I don't know if anything I'm doing is right. The reason why HOPE is such a big deal to me right now is cause that's all I'm doing. Everyone doodles LOVE on their notebooks with hearts on the sides, but I'm the one who's writing about hope. I'm hoping that I won't drift away from my friends from TN or from school. I'm hoping that I'm being guided in the right direction in my life. I'm hoping that someone in my life can come along and just make me feel like I belong somewhere.
TIFFANY:
you have you let yourself open up at school to help you find that best friend or other ? cause maybe you`ve just been closed up so much and holding onto the past that you aren`t loking ahead
its like that quote that you`ve just been so focused on the door thats been closed that you haven`t given a chance or even noticed the new door thats been opened ?
i know you can`t go back to what you had but don`t act like its the end of the world Julie, you`ll get through this, live life.
i can`t say much cause i don`t know how you feel and i can`t relate
but i`m trying (:
I am open at school, I'm always talking to people in my classes and sometimes I'm like yaaay I finally feel like things are getting better. And they are, but other times, I feel like it's all fake. At the moment, I'm NOT acting fake, but once I stop and think about it, it just all feels like pretend. As if at the end of the day none of it matters and I just go back to square one. Idk, maybe I am focusing too much on the door that's closed..But I also feel like if I move on, I'll drift from my old friends more and I'll begin to forget or something like that. No, okay honestly, you don't even HAVE to say anything. You just listening to me go on and on is more than I could ever ask of you. And the fact that you're trying to help me out deserves more that my gratitude can offer. I know you can't relate to this, but it's okay. And I know that some of this relationship stuff is addressed towards you and I'm sorry if it was offensive, but I'm glad you were here to listen. You're the closest best friend I have right now and if you weren't here, I'd probably still be sitting here all alone with my bitter feelings. You're such a happy person all the time and I truly envy you for it. That quote that you put on your formspring..it really spoke out to me. Every time I go to your page I read that quote at least three times and everytime it gets to me. Happiness is learning to accept the imperfections. Thank you for helping me realize that and thank you for everything.
TIFFANY:
Well if you value your old friends that much you won`t forget them or drift away. Its all up to you, thats how i felt last year but i`ve found my best friend at school that i didn`t even know last year but i`m still able to hold strong relationship with you guys. Its cause i fight for whats important to me and not let anything phase me. Its not offending me at all and from day one i`ve been iffy on it too. Honestly i`m not happy all the time, i sometimes fake my happiness just so it doesn`t bring others down and i guess cause i don`t let anything really get to me, i deal with my probelms right away instead of holding it in. We are all imperfect and trying to be otherwise is wasting your originality, your uniquness, yourself.
“Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.”
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