I just had another one of those cry-your-guts-out conversation with Tiffany. This time it was about guys, having insecurities, feeling alone, and learning to get over stuff. I recently found out that it's really difficult for me to blog and that's just the saddest thing in the world to me ]: Blogging is like my life and love, but I haven't been able to write a THING, so now I just talk to Tiffany and it's so much easier to let things out that way. Like I said, since I'm writing to her the same things I'd write if I were blogging, I might as well post it [with editting it first, of course]. I'm going to post these conversations rather than just keep them to myself because I'm hoping that maybe someone who cares will come along and read it and REALLY know how I'm feeling instead of having to wonder why I randomly got up to sit in the corner by myself.
J: I wanna talk to you about it, but I don't wanna sound like..pathetic?
TIFFANY: -______- why would you sound.."pathetic"? you loser just spill the beans [HAHA, ily Tiffany, you make me laugh :) ]
J:
Well I kind of always had a feeling he wouldn't like me. But then we kinda started talking and then I got my hopes up. And then [she] told me that they talked almost every day and I was just like okay, whatever and everything I thought just went down the drain. And for some reason, since me and [bestfriend] talked so much more my feelings just faded. It had nothing to do with liking [him], I just knew that he was the person I'd want to be my best friend. And then everyone started the whole [them] jokes and I just felt my self esteem die. I think that was the reason why I hated being around the guys..cause everytime I saw [them] in the same room, it would remind me of "[HIM & HER, HER & HIM] and then I'd want to go somewhere else and cry. Cause [she]'s just so much skinner and prettier than me and I knew I should have seen it coming. Like, why wouldn't you like [her]? She's got everything, she's pretty, fun to be around, and everybody just likes talking to her. [sentence edited out]. And I know I've said this before, and you're probably sick of hearing it, but there's this couple thing going on..And I guess it wouldn't have affected me so much if I hadn't moved this summer. NOT because so many things were changing, but because this summer I wrote sooo many blogs about how I was alone and there was nobody there for me. While we were moving I felt like there was nobody there I could count one and nobody who I could talk to who could help me out. I felt alone and that is honestly my biggest fear. Not to BE completely alone, but to feel it. All my life I've been an independent person, I never thought I really needed anybody and I thought that if I took care of myself, I'd appear to be a stronger person. And maybe that worked out when I was younger, but now being alone is like a constant problem for me. At home, at school, at TN. Maybe I'm over dramatizing it, but that's how it was to me. I didn't have a best friend at FV so once me and [bestfriend] started talking I just latched onto him and now we're best friends. But anyway, at TN I've always felt accepted by one person or another and I never expected to feel so lost or by myself, and I guess I'm just scared that the one place that's always made me feel safe and loved and needed, even will soon be a place I dread going to. I'd never want that, but now for some reason I feel like I don't belong anymore. Which is part of my number one biggest fear. Feeling completely alone and not belonging. And I haven’t talked to very many people about this cause I know they enjoy the [them] jokes and I don’t want to make things awkward in the group or between them and I don’t exactly want to be a pity case either.
TIFFANY
i think the whole [them] thing is not about "how much prettier she is" or "shes skinner" i think cause [edited out] she posesses the qualities he`s looking for. You`ll get over it and you`ll find someone else just let that door open. /// and no i`m not sick of hearing it and its good you keep repeating it cause now you know the problem and you`ll get tired of hearing it that you will want to fix it yourself and with the couples things its fine to say you feel left out when we all have a pair so just tell us and i`m pretty sure we`ll be fine to hang out with you not cause of pity but cause its the right thing to do and we love you. I know the move is what triggerred everything but you were the one that let yourself feel alone and closed up. i know you can`t do anything about it but make something of it. You have everyone you had in your life before the move still here but you just feel like since you moved further its harder to talk to them when its not. Don`t feel alone you have who you need. You belong, its just you set yourself apart and don`t TRY to fit in. you already feel neglected so you dont put in an effort to even be part of the group, FIGHT FOR IT. well all have a thing to fight for and right now this is yours , to hold onto the past . but honestly you need to inch your way forward jules
J:
I know that you guys are all in pairs now and that you ARE willing to hang out with me, I know that because I know that you're all good friends, but on the inside I'll always know that there's something different about me. And maybe I have been distancing myself from the group, but I can't just wake up and have everything feel better. I know you said that I should try to fit in, but how am I supposed to do that? I can't materialize a guy to bring along with me when we have hangouts. And it's unfair for everyone to have to put their effort into making ME feel like I should belong when it should just be them at the moment. That's what being a third [or ninth] wheel is. And thank you for writing that, it's just what I needed and I really really really appreciate it
TIFFANY
yeah i see where you are coming from but we should be better friends to you and notice these things and that you are going through a hard time . Talk to all the girls about this i`m sure they`ll give you more advice. But nothings different about you, you just live in a different place and go to a different school, none of that affects who you are. Well you really dont have to try when you do fit in . we were all friends before everything julie so friends we shall continue to before everything else
J:
I don't WANT to make everyone worry about me, that's why I didn't ever wanna say anything. And that day I went to sit by myself was mainly cause I didn't really wanna be around everyone, I just wanted to sit from afar and look at everything and see how people interacted with each other and think to myself. And I really appreciate that you've put in so much time and effort for me. It means the world to me that you've been practically the only one who's noticed and who's been there for me and this is why you're my best friend and I really love you for that and thank you, again
TIFFANY
Awe well just tell us when you need that alone time (: we`re all close friends julie we`re there for each other during our hard times cause we can`t get through them ourselves so just ask for the help. Its nothing, we`ve been friends for years so i should notice these things by now and i practically know you inside and out. I love you too best friend
If you read this at all, I seriously seriously love you. This is really personal stuff to me, but I figured only people who are close to me would read it, so why the heck not. If there's anything you'd like to say, I'm always cool with anonymous comments or Formsprings or whatever.
"No matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow."
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