Getting upset and stuff

Have any of you guys ever gotten in an argument with your parents? Have you ever yelled back at them, knowing you were wrong? Have you ever gone out of your way just to piss em off? Have your ever ignored what they told you NOT to do and just went along doing it? I mean, haven’t we ALL done that?
My parents can seriously tick me off SO much. They tell me to get off the computer, but it’s summer and it’s not even late and I’m not even tired! They tell me to find something else to do other than go on the computer and immediately I say that there’s nothing to do over the summer and what do they expect me to do, study?! And then my parents tell me that I could at least read here and then right away I dramatically gesture around the room and go, well do you SEE any books that I can read around here? And then I got yelled at for being a smart ass. I’ve been doing stuff like that lately. I’m not the “good, smart, responsible child” my parents thought I was and want me to be. Well newsflash mother and father, I’m not perfect! And I’m not going to try to be for you!

The other day, my dad told me to get off the computer and I said okay and finished up the sentence I was typing and literally 5 seconds later,[I counted] he screams at me and tells me to get off NOW. I say, “I am! Be quiet!” A second later, he’s right beside me and I get a smack to my head. My dad and uncle always slap me on my head. Uh, way to kill my brain cells and then expect me to be smart. Assholes. It’s not like it hurt, it’s just that they do it ALL the time and sometimes for no reason at all and it’s really annoying. I swear next time someone slaps me up the head, I’m gonna turn around and slap ‘em back. Except for my dad. He never jokes around anymore.

He used to be fun and all, but now he’s just impatient and grumpy. He always laughed with my sister and me and we used to love it when he came home cause he only came home once every two weeks working in Bakersfield. Eventually, there came a point where I didn’t want him to come home cause he was so annoying. And now that our house in Fountain Valley is being remodeled, we’re staying at my Aunt’s house and I see my dad every night when he comes home from helping out with the remodeling. [I never see him in the morning cause I never wake up early enough. And I never try to.]

I was seriously so annoyed and aggravated at my dad that I didn’t care if he had to wake up early in the morning. I turned off the computer as he told me to and stomped into my room. The floor is wood so it makes a looouuudddd noise. He yelled at me to stop and be quiet and I just yelled back, IM SORRY, I’M TOO FAT TO CONTROL MYSELF. There. That should shut him up. He calls me fat all the fucking time anyway. I went into my room, grabbed my clothes, and slammed the bathroom door. I locked it and then began singing “I HATE MY DAAAAAAD” in a high, squeaky, and extremely annoying voice. Like I said, I didn’t like my dad that day. I wanted to annoy him just as he had been annoying the shit out of me for the past couple of days. I heard someone try to open the bathroom and then I heard my dad’s voice say “WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?!” I calmly replied “I’m taking a SHOWER!” And under my breath I added “Now go the fuck away.” I had done a lot of cussing that night. All under my breath, of course. I stepped into the shower, turned on the water and began the show. I sang and sang and sang. I sang along to every melody I could think of at that moment and tried to be as loud as I could. I didn’t care if I got in trouble, I didn’t care about anything, except for reading. Oh, and my mom. I loved my mom a lot the past week.

Even though both my parents were gone for the whole day until the evening, I still escaped outside, sat on my grandfather’s creaky rocking chair, and read Alice McKinley books by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor. I liked reading, but only books that were interesting. If they were, I could have probably finished 6 books in a day. These books were my lifesavers for a couple of days. I got so wrapped up in Alice’s life and problems that I didn’t even pay attention to my own. If Alice was upset and heartbroken, I was upset and heartbroken for her. If Alice was feeling happy, giddy and romantic, then I felt the same way too. It was really nice just to stop thinking about school and life and forgotten friends.

I always think of my cousins. Always. They’re ­back in Tustin and I’m here, wishing more than anything in the world that I could be in Tustin with them this very moment. I found out that my cousin Scott, who I had also lived with for 8 years, just moved back from Texas. He had lived there for 5 months with his mom, but then decided he wanted to go back to school here with his aunt, who he’s been living with his whole life. I miss them all so much; I just can’t help but cry sometimes. I wish I had someone to talk to about this. Someone who would lie down in bed across from me who I could just spill all of this to. I know I can tell my friends, but not all of them really understand how it is and I don’t want to sound whiny to them. I’ve heard soo many times that things change. And I hate hearing it. Okay, yea, things change and I know they have to, but I don’t want them to. And I don’t want somebody to just sit there and tell me that it’s going to be okay and that life will carry on and I’ll make new friends and love my new life. Maybe I will, but right now, I kinda hate it. I just want someone to talk to me and understand what I’m going through. I want to sit there and spill everything to someone and talk as long as I want [cause I can go on for hours] and I want to cry while I talk and have them comfort me and tell me some crazy amazing advice. I want a counselor. Not just a counselor. I want a friend. I want someone like my old middle school counselor, Ms. Tiffani. I want someone to ask me questions relevant to what I’m going through.
I don’t want people to tell me that I’m strong and that I can handle this cause I’m a big girl with a smart head cause I don’t even care about that. I just don’t want to go through this alone. If there’s one thing I hate more than snakes, it’s being alone. And I’m not talking about the kind of alone where you sit outside by yourself and everyone plays inside, I’m talking about the alone where you’re the only one in this world. That sounds dramatic, but what I mean is that I want someone THERE. There’s nobody HERE for me! I have my friends, but it’s been so long since I’ve seen them and they’re all going to the same high school together and here I am just alone and lonely and I haven’t talked to all of them in forever. I feel so abandoned. And it’s not their fault or anything, it’s just that time has pulled us apart and I’m afraid more than ever that not even our friendships could piece us together again.
I have to go to high school in a new area with people I don’t know and honestly, I’m scared. There’s nobody there with me on the first day of school. I can’t walk around and look for somebody I can link arms with while I look for my locker. I’m completely on my own and I know it. That’s why I feel abandoned. That’s why I feel alone. That’s why I’m crying. For the first time in a long time, I feel left out. I’m not saying I’ve always felt popular, I’m just saying I’ve always been around people I love and for the first time, they’re all going to be together in high school and I’m not.

I’ve never been the one who cries easily. If someone makes a mean comment about me, I blush and get mad, but I get over it. If I fall down hard and it hurts, I whine about it and then it get over it. But now that everything I’ve ever loved has been taken away from me, I can’t do anything but cry lately these days. Crying seems to be a habit. Something SO simple can make tears run down my face. The other day I was pissed off about losing my notebook and then I got an email from my cousin Kim who I’ve lived with for 8 years and it set off the waterworks. I bawled and sobbed and cried. I couldn’t stop and it was one of the most wonderful letters I’ve ever received. It’s probably because I PMS and I get moody and my emotions are a friggin roller coaster. Or maybe I’ve just been a huge mess ever since school was over.