Rambling, kinda

Today, I finished the last Alice book I had borrowed from the library. It’s a series and I was missing maybe about 5 books inbetween. So I had read the beginning and I had read the end, but the middle was missing. [Gosh I am so anxious to read the missing ones! I hope they’re in the library when I go tomorrow]
I don’t wanna get all smart mouthy, but isn’t that how life is? You know your beginning. That’s your birth. And you know your end. Your death. But then where’s the rest of your life? You don’t know what the heck happens in the middle. Well, life’s not a library. You can’t just come in and expect for there to be a book to complete your life. Nobody else is the author of your life but yourself. Ever heard the quote that goes something like “I’m writing my life story. Unfortunately, I’ve written in pen and I can’t erase my mistakes.” Something like that, anyway. Well what I’ve got to say is, SO? You use a pen and God gives you whiteout. I know, I know, sometimes it’s not that easy, but at least it’s worth a try.

Okay, where the heck am I going with this? I don’t even know what I’m saying. Anyway, why do people always hold onto their pasts? And when they do hold on to the past, why do people scold them and tell them to stop?
Well, maybe people hold onto their pasts because that’s when their lives were never better. Maybe that’s the time that people had no regrets and nothing went wrong. But we need the other people to scold us. They’re with us for a reason. To make sure that we don’t fantasize about trying to live in the past when it’s already gone. It’s done and it’s over. I always say stuff, but I don’t necessarily always take my own advice. I DO tell other people that the past is in the past, but I hold on too. I think everybody does. And though I may not want to reverse the hours of the clock and live back in the day, I do miss some things that occurred back then. Hanging out with my cousins and my friends. Having life as amazing as ever. Living however I wanted when the ONLY problem in the way was boredom. Now my problems include missing my friends. Missing my cousins. Missing my house, my bed.
Life problems come in different shapes and sizes. And JUST because someone doesn’t have to deal with your problem, doesn’t mean that they don’t have problems of their own. Maybe you’re going through a breakup with your boyfriend and you expect everyone to sympathize. And when not everyone does, you have to understand that there’s more to life than a boyfriend you really loved.
Maybe somebody else is having a huge argument with their best friend.
Maybe somebody else is feeling awfully left out because none of her friends talk to her. Maybe somebody else has an eating disorder and can’t quite control it.
Maybe somebody else is addicted to drugs and it’s turning their life upside down.
Maybe somebody else is poor and can’t afford cool stuff, and hardly food.
Maybe somebody else has leukemia or cancer and is on the verge of dying.
Suddenly it makes your problems look really small. And then you’re super thankful that you are who you are and that you still have hair on your head. I write this and I KNOW that I should take my own advice, but it’s hard. Everything in life is hard. Life was not meant or created to be easy. Or maybe it was and we’re all just making it more complicated for ourselves. I don’t know.

I just opened this document where I copy and pasted these quotes about writing from this one website. One of my favorites says:

“Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self.”
“Don't try to figure out what other people want to hear from you; figure out what you have to say.”

I really could not agree more with both. I think I’m a fairly good writer, but I also know that sometimes my writing stinks. Sometimes people can write anything from the top of their heads, but sometimes I get stuck. That’s why I doodle in my notebook and I promise you, there isn’t anything better than scribbling down the lyrics to the song you relate to most or just plain drawing.
I love writing and I don’t care if people think I’m a horrible person for what I write. I hate when people think I’m a bad person for cursing. I admit, sometimes I DO direct words to a certain person, but most of the time I just cuss cause it seems to fit with my writing and I like it that way. Ugh, okay to be honest, I have nothing to write about, so I’m just rambling. Reading back on this, I don’t even understand where some of these topics are emerging. It sucks when I run out of things to say cause I ALWAYS have something to say, but none of it is worthy of being written down right now. I’ll probably just repeat a topic and start talking about how lonely I am. Dammit. I just realized that I don’t have an effing book to read tonight. So I’ll probably stay up doing nothing. Crap, I depended on reading, you know. Reading was my life for the past um, 3 days. 4 books a day for 3 days. Boy, do I feel amazing. haha
Oh how I wish I had a smoothie. It would definitely cheer me up right now without a doubt. But I haven’t been out shopping or anything at all. My parents are too busy. My aunt and uncle aren’t able to take me anywhere. My shoppaholic aunt is doing who knows what. I feel so antisocial. But even if my aunt DID take me shopping, it’ll probably be to Nordstrom or Macy’s or some expensive place so that I wouldn’t have the fun or pleasure of shopping anyway. I wish I could go out with my friends and make up more amazing memories that would last with us forever. I wish I could hang out with my cousins and get some ice cream on a hot day. Doing all of that seems so far away when it was actually only a week ago. And then school’s kind of right around the corner too. I’M NOT EVEN REGISTERED FOR SCHOOL YET! I want to take honors classes and do well and get into a good college and have a successful job, but I don’t even know what the hell I want for my job right now. God, I swear life sucks. I was supposed to be registered like a week ago, but I’ll probably have to go to school at Los Amigos and not Fountain Valley.

Well I've run out of things to say, so this will be it for now.