Starve. Binge. Purge.

Intro.
Hey, so I've had this topic on my mind for a while, so I think I'm just gonna write about these three topics. I might sound like a blabbering idiot, but just bear with me here as I try to organize my thoughts into statements that make sense. :)

Starve.
Alright so for those of you reading, [if there IS actually anyone who's interested in reading this] especially if you're girls, some of you MUST have felt self conscious about your bodies, right? And for the ones who have felt perfectly comfortable with their bodies, read on, and you'll know how the other girls feel.
As a kid, I've always been really thin to the point where you can see my ribs sticking out. Don't get me wrong, I ate! I loveddd food! Haha, but you know how when you grow up, puberty hits you and then you start getting taller and all that shiz. So I started putting on some weight during my 7th grade year and I didn't really think much of it, though I was beginning to become more conscious of my weight.
One of my really good friends had been starving herself cause she felt uncomfortable with her body. ALL of my friends including myself were extremely worried about her. We didn't want her to hurt herself and we definitely didn't want her to get sick. I thought it was a really dumb idea until I talked to her and she confided her eating and weight problems to me. She had dropped FORTY POUNDS. I thought to myself, wow, she dropped 40 pounds by not eating? Well at the time, I was about 108 pounds I think. I wasn't too worried about my weight, but I hated my little stomach bulge I would have when I wore tight Tshirts. So I said to myself, hey, if you just don't eat for the summer, maybe you can drop 8 pounds and get to 100. I tried starving myself, but it didn't work. That just lead to binging.

Binge.
I told myself that I wouldn't eat meals and that I would just eat crackers all day so that I won't get fatter from all the grease. Big big big mistake. I was super proud of myself for skipping meals during the day, but I was always hungry at night. My sister and I would always watch movies or TV at night and I wanted something to snack on. My mom bought a huuuge bag of Doritos for us so that was my midnight snack for the summer. I had some every single night. It was horrible. It was super good while I ate it, but once I stopped eating, I would feel like crap. Every night I told myself, okay, you need to stop eating cause you're just gonna get fatter than you already are. No matter what I told myself, I did the same thing the next night.
In 8th grade, I slowly and gradually began to gain more and more weight throughout the months. I hated my body. I had friends who had craaazy thin bodies and I envied them. I thought that they could probably get any guy they wanted cause they were so incredibly gorgeous. All my friends told me I had a good body and that I shouldn't worry about it. Their help got me through the days, but my family just tore me down again. "You got so fat, maybe you should stop eating." "Did you get bigger since the last time I'd seen you?"
I was so angry. So frustrate and irritated. WHY couldn't they understand that I got bigger because I was growing up?! I was so mad that I just ate my "comfort food". Yea, okay, like THAT helped. Comfort food helped me feel better, but once the feeling was over, I just felt like crap again. AND I felt even worse because I had just eaten. My family would tell me that I was fat, but I would just eat to prove to them that I didn't care about their snide remarks. But on the inside, I cared. I cared a lot. Cause I knew they were right. And I knew that it was my fault for binging. Well hell, if starving doesn't work and binging clearly just makes me fatter, why don't we just skip on down to the topic of purging?

Purge.
I know someone who used to purge. I also remembered that whenever I got sick and I threw up, I would lose a crazy lot of weight. Well maybe, if I just threw up a little, I would lose weight after having the taste and satisfaction of what I ate. My two cousins had gotten sick at one point and they were throwing up and not eating because they were too weak and tired to. So they both lost a large amount of weight. This will make me sound like a horrible person, but I was jealous of them. Why couldn't iiiii get sick so that I could throw up and not eat and get thinner? My two cousins were upset that they had lost so much weight, but in my head I was screaming "are you crazy?! I'd love to switch places with you! Here, take my health and give me your sickness so I can lose weight!!"
Boy oh boy was I stupid. Purging? Really? I was stupid, but not desperate enough to stick my fingers into my throat.
I knew that if I threw up, it would hurt my esophaus and my throat and my stomach. I knew that it wasn't worth it. I knew that if I went bullimic, I would most likely gain that weight plus more a lot easier than I had lost it. So I told myself I would never purge. I've always thought about it though. In the shower, I'd have my index finger stuck halfway in my mouth. But I'd get back to my senses and say Julie what the effffff are you doing? GO CONDITION YOUR HAIR.

Repeat?
For the brave ones who have read until now, I thank you. Haha. And you must be saying, this is titled starve, binge, purge, and she's gotten through all three topics. But alas, no. [Hehe, Dumbledore's rubbed off on me.] I'm not quite finished telling my tale of body issues and eating issues and insecurities. Sooo, read on! [If you're interested enough] :P

Starve. Again.
Just because I wasn't gonna purge didn't mean that I was comfortable with my body. I wasn't okay with it at all. I was in 8th grade and I had more self control now. Starving was EASY. I learned how to ignore the hunger pains, and soon enough, the hunger pains just went away. I hated when my family told me to go eat lunch or to eat dinner. They would tell me that I should eat less cause I would get fat. Then when I did eat less, they'd say what're you doing? Going on a diet? And I'd just ignore them and continue eating.
But really, inside my head was screaming, SHUT THE FUCK UP. YOU WANT ME TO STOP EATING, SO I DID. STOP FORCING ME TO EAT! YOU'RE THE ONES MAKING ME EAT AND YOU'RE THE ONES WHO ARE CALLING ME FAT. DON'T YOU KNOW THAT I HAVE FEELINGS AND MAYBE IT HURTS WHEN YOU SAY SHIT LIKE THAT? I'M A TEENAGER. I'M NOT FUCKING PERFECT. DON'T EXPECT ME TO BE. YOU VIET PEOPLE ALWAYS EXPECT THE BEST OUT OF YOUR KIDS AND JUST CAUSE WE CAN'T MEET EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR GAY ASS EXPECTATIONS DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD BASH ME AND CALL ME FAT. IF YOU WANT A SKINNY ASS CHILD, GO ADOPT ONE.
Yessss. I was mad. I was always upset when they said stuff like that. Every single damn family reunion or gathering was guaranteed to include "Julie you got fatter" comments. I hated it. On the outside, I'd just laugh it off, but I always held on to their comments. I remember every single thing they said. It hurt and I couldn't just pretend that it didn't. So basically I didn't eat anything until dinner, which was when we all had to eat as a family. It felt good to "be in control". It felt good to go the whole day without eating cause I felt like I'd accomplished something. It's called starving, but I never thought of it that way, cause I was never hungry. I'd just call it skipping meals.
It's not called starving if you DO eat when you get hungry, right?

Binge. Again.
I don't know if you've heard of Christa Black, but she's a violinist for the Jonas Brother's and my good friend Katie introduced her to me. She has a blog, christablack.blogspot.com
I was reading it and she talks about her life problems. She's had eating problems, anorexia, bullimia, binging, and sexual harrassment. Reading her blog has made me cry countless times. She's so inspiring and strong and I really look up to her. But something she wrote about made me think. She would often binge because she felt so horrible about her body, but she did it anyway and after she'd cram food down her throat, she'd cry herself to sleep. After hearing about her experiences with binging, I'm like scared to eat food.
Okay, not scared, but it's hard for me to tell the difference between when I'm "snacking" or actually binging. I've been thinking about it a lot lately trying to decide wheter this plate of watermelon is healthy snacking or if I'm totally just binging.
This afternoon I sat at the computer writing this blog with a tub of grapes, wondering if eating it was okay since grapes are healthy, or if I was binging cause I was eating so many of them. It's hard to tell and I don't wanna just stop snacking cause I lovee snacking, but I don't wanna keep going cause I might actually be eating too much and that's not goooood. But anyway, I've noticed that I eat a lot less and I'm rather satisfied with myself!

Purge. Again.
No way. No how. I am not ever ever ever gonna go bullimic! I seriously love my body too much to do that now. I haven't thought about purging until I began writing this blog, to be honest. So I'm really happy that throwing up is totally out of the picture for me. :)

End.
Holy craaap. The end?! YES. This is my laaast section! Well I've recently had an epiphany about how God gave us these bodies and we should love them no matter how they look and that we're ALL beautiful and even if we hate our bodies, God loves us. God has always always always loved us. I understand that now. And yes, I hate my body sometimes and I still look at other skinny girls and envy them, but I'm content with my body. I still don't eat breakfast or lunch cause honestly, I'm never hungry at those times. But the main reason I don't eat breakfast or lunch is cause I really, truly CANNOT wake up before noon. Hahaha
Well I've REALLY enjoyed writing this blog! I've wanted to for a while now and I've finally got it done. :) And wow, I cannot believe this took me 4 hours to type. I had to think about which words would sound good for me to write down aand I was internet multi-tasking too. haha
Alright, well don't forget that you're beautiful! All of you! I hope you enjoyed my blog and maybe could have gotten something out of it! :)
YOU'RE ALL BEAUTIFUL! <3

xoXinfinity,
Julie