I’m so tired; I just want to lie down,
In search for some comfort, but there’s none that I’ve found.
The restless world screams out their problems,
And expects someone else to go on and solve ‘em.
So I turn up the volume and music blasts in my ear,
But I don’t mind a bit cause it’s the only good thing I hear.
And all the worries are erased from my mind,
Because this is the only true comfort I find.
Things in life, they’re always going wrong,
And the only way I deal is with a rhythmic song.
When all their obnoxious voices ring in my head,
I just close my eyes and put on headphones instead.
I don't remember when I wrore this..Probably also 6 months ago? Just thought I'd share.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Untitled Poem
Yesterday we said our last and final goodbyes
Tonight my pillow is wet with the tears from my eyes
I believed that you loved me, but I also believed all your lies
You were placed in my life so that I could learn to let go
Whether or not you meant those three words, I’ll never know
I’ve learned that people will change and promises will break
I can’t change your mind; this choice was only yours to make
The world doesn’t wait for anyone to finish their crying
But I’m proud of myself, cause I did my best trying
Knowing that you’re not here causes me great sorrow
But I hold my head high, knowing life goes on tomorrow
I wrote this about 6 months ago..so in June. Only two people know why I'm posting this today.
Tonight my pillow is wet with the tears from my eyes
I believed that you loved me, but I also believed all your lies
You were placed in my life so that I could learn to let go
Whether or not you meant those three words, I’ll never know
I’ve learned that people will change and promises will break
I can’t change your mind; this choice was only yours to make
The world doesn’t wait for anyone to finish their crying
But I’m proud of myself, cause I did my best trying
Knowing that you’re not here causes me great sorrow
But I hold my head high, knowing life goes on tomorrow
I wrote this about 6 months ago..so in June. Only two people know why I'm posting this today.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
"Those" Moments.
I love "those" moments. The ones where you're talking to someone and you're lost and confused and hurt and pissed off and just can't figure anything out. And then they say something that just warms your heart because it's exactly what you've been wanting to hear. I told Chelsea about the previous post and she said something that was great for me.
CHELSEA:
"I can't say I understand exactly what you're going through, because obviously I don't. but remember that if you don't have him as a boyfriend, you have him as a friend first. I think it's important to prioritize the relationships that you have with people, and if you ever start feeling something like that towards someone, it's important to put friendship first, liking them second. Because where would the second one be without the first one?"
Thanks Chels, I needed that :) But ABOUT the previous post..I know it was harsh and mean and I am sorry, but I think I'm okay with that subject now. So I wrote something yesterday while talking to Tiffany:
Well idk, I've always said "just let them be" all sarcastically to myself, but now I'm thinking you know, just let them be. I told *-*-*-*-* that if -*-*-*- doesn't like her, then it's not mean to be and it's better to move on than waste your time and effort with something that's not gonna happen. And I guess this is another one of the scenarios where I have to take my own advice. Today, -*-*-*-*-* talked to me for the first time in a while and we had a normal conversation and it wasn't awkward and I'm not gonna be like [HE] TALKED TO ME, OMGOMGOMG. I'm glad that we're still friends whether he knows I like him or not. And if I really really think about it, I'M the one who's still lingering on the thought of them possibly being together. -----'s been really nice and he hasn't brought them up. And even though they may be the talk & gossip around right now, it doesn't mean that I have to over analyze everything they do and everything everyone else says.
Writing this sort of pulled all the crumbly parts together and helped me realize that if the guy I like doesn't like me, WHO CARES, it's not the end of the world and this has happened before and it happens to everybody and it's NOT as big of a deal as I put it out to be. So I think for now, I'm going to be okay.
Thanks so much to everyone who helped me out with this. You all know I love you guys loads and more. <3
CHELSEA:
"I can't say I understand exactly what you're going through, because obviously I don't. but remember that if you don't have him as a boyfriend, you have him as a friend first. I think it's important to prioritize the relationships that you have with people, and if you ever start feeling something like that towards someone, it's important to put friendship first, liking them second. Because where would the second one be without the first one?"
Thanks Chels, I needed that :) But ABOUT the previous post..I know it was harsh and mean and I am sorry, but I think I'm okay with that subject now. So I wrote something yesterday while talking to Tiffany:
Well idk, I've always said "just let them be" all sarcastically to myself, but now I'm thinking you know, just let them be. I told *-*-*-*-* that if -*-*-*- doesn't like her, then it's not mean to be and it's better to move on than waste your time and effort with something that's not gonna happen. And I guess this is another one of the scenarios where I have to take my own advice. Today, -*-*-*-*-* talked to me for the first time in a while and we had a normal conversation and it wasn't awkward and I'm not gonna be like [HE] TALKED TO ME, OMGOMGOMG. I'm glad that we're still friends whether he knows I like him or not. And if I really really think about it, I'M the one who's still lingering on the thought of them possibly being together. -----'s been really nice and he hasn't brought them up. And even though they may be the talk & gossip around right now, it doesn't mean that I have to over analyze everything they do and everything everyone else says.
Writing this sort of pulled all the crumbly parts together and helped me realize that if the guy I like doesn't like me, WHO CARES, it's not the end of the world and this has happened before and it happens to everybody and it's NOT as big of a deal as I put it out to be. So I think for now, I'm going to be okay.
Thanks so much to everyone who helped me out with this. You all know I love you guys loads and more. <3
Everything Will Be Okay.
I’m going to sound like a huge bitch in this post. But I hate how I’m feeling right now and I really need to let it out. I’m pretty sure everyone’s sick of me talking about it so I guess I just have to blog it out to myself. If you’re tired of this topic and think I’m getting annoying, obsessive, or jealous, it’s best you cease reading and do something else like play Monopoly or paint a picture. Cause everything I write is very close and personal to me…
Alright, so I KNOW that I’m thinking about this too much and it’s getting really annoying to others including myself. And I know that I should just get over it and “let them be” cause that’s what I’m supposed to do. After all, I’m just the “little sister” aren’t I? And since there are already 2 couples, then they haaave to go out so that there are 3 couples and it’s better that they’re together since they’re closer in age and he likes her. Right. Well it’s kind of hard to get over it and to stop thinking about it when they’re everywhere. Seriously, it’s like everywhere I turn there’s a picture of them or they’re talking or someone’s talking about them. Can the world just SHUT UP?
And I know that after this everyone's just going to side with you because I've always been the jealous, bitter bitch. And everyone says "It's just a small crush, you'll get over it" But it's not even about that anymore. I've had to keep myself together so many times and it's so hard to talk about cause nobody wants to hear it anymore. You stand there holding uour head all high and mighty because you've brought me down and you've trampled all over me. Yet on the outside everybody thinks you're just a pretty little perfect angel. I guess now you're better than me when it comes to everything. You've taken away almost everything that means something to me. Congratulations. You think that just because you're older and you know my friends that you're so superior and you can use everything against me. I'm not some obsessed chick who's insanely jealous. I just wish that it wasn't about you two all the effing time. I hate thinking about how everybody will be on your side because you and him are an "item" and eeeeeeeeeeeeeverybody's pulling for you. Nobody freaking understands. And that's what hurts.
Alright, so I KNOW that I’m thinking about this too much and it’s getting really annoying to others including myself. And I know that I should just get over it and “let them be” cause that’s what I’m supposed to do. After all, I’m just the “little sister” aren’t I? And since there are already 2 couples, then they haaave to go out so that there are 3 couples and it’s better that they’re together since they’re closer in age and he likes her. Right. Well it’s kind of hard to get over it and to stop thinking about it when they’re everywhere. Seriously, it’s like everywhere I turn there’s a picture of them or they’re talking or someone’s talking about them. Can the world just SHUT UP?
And I know that after this everyone's just going to side with you because I've always been the jealous, bitter bitch. And everyone says "It's just a small crush, you'll get over it" But it's not even about that anymore. I've had to keep myself together so many times and it's so hard to talk about cause nobody wants to hear it anymore. You stand there holding uour head all high and mighty because you've brought me down and you've trampled all over me. Yet on the outside everybody thinks you're just a pretty little perfect angel. I guess now you're better than me when it comes to everything. You've taken away almost everything that means something to me. Congratulations. You think that just because you're older and you know my friends that you're so superior and you can use everything against me. I'm not some obsessed chick who's insanely jealous. I just wish that it wasn't about you two all the effing time. I hate thinking about how everybody will be on your side because you and him are an "item" and eeeeeeeeeeeeeverybody's pulling for you. Nobody freaking understands. And that's what hurts.
ALRIGHT kids, before you jump down my throat and call me a complete BITCH for writing this, let me just say that I warned you to go play Monopoly and paint a picture at the beginning. I'm human. I have a sister. I'm GOING to get angry. Is it fair that I'm forced to keep all of this bottled inside? I'll apologize if I offended you in any way, but I will not apologize for my feelings. I don't feel like this all the time. Sometimes I'm really happy but other times I feel like complete shit, and when I do feel crappy, I need somewhere to let it out.
Even though she was nice, I didn't understand why people couldn't see how horrible she was and I wondered why people liked her. But I thought about it and I guess the reason why people are friends with you is cause they're aware that you mess up shit in your life, but they've decided to look past your imperfections and accept you for the good that you are. People don't befriend you because you're a bitch, they do because they liked something about you. Either you've never been a bitch to them or you have. But the reason why you stay friends is because they're okay with that. And if my friends have done that for me, it's understandable that they do that for her.
These past few days have just been a roller coaster of emotions for me. Up and down, high and low. Sometimes it's tough having to deal with all that in such a short amount of time. Everything just piles on. After I've figured out my problem with feeling left out, BAM suddenly I constantly feel like second best. And then BAM Christmas feels crummy and all the little things just add up until there's nothing in me to hold it in any longer. I've done a lot of crying and it's not a lot at one time, but it's short but with many intervals. And I don't mind because crying reminds me that I'm just a girl. And that it's going to be okay.
*Sorry my writing was absolutely horrible in this post, but I just needed to write SOMETHING even if it did come out bad.*
"Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end."
http://www.formspring.me/julielinh
Monday, December 21, 2009
For Those Who Care,
I just had another one of those cry-your-guts-out conversation with Tiffany. This time it was about guys, having insecurities, feeling alone, and learning to get over stuff. I recently found out that it's really difficult for me to blog and that's just the saddest thing in the world to me ]: Blogging is like my life and love, but I haven't been able to write a THING, so now I just talk to Tiffany and it's so much easier to let things out that way. Like I said, since I'm writing to her the same things I'd write if I were blogging, I might as well post it [with editting it first, of course]. I'm going to post these conversations rather than just keep them to myself because I'm hoping that maybe someone who cares will come along and read it and REALLY know how I'm feeling instead of having to wonder why I randomly got up to sit in the corner by myself.
J: I wanna talk to you about it, but I don't wanna sound like..pathetic?
TIFFANY: -______- why would you sound.."pathetic"? you loser just spill the beans [HAHA, ily Tiffany, you make me laugh :) ]
J:
Well I kind of always had a feeling he wouldn't like me. But then we kinda started talking and then I got my hopes up. And then [she] told me that they talked almost every day and I was just like okay, whatever and everything I thought just went down the drain. And for some reason, since me and [bestfriend] talked so much more my feelings just faded. It had nothing to do with liking [him], I just knew that he was the person I'd want to be my best friend. And then everyone started the whole [them] jokes and I just felt my self esteem die. I think that was the reason why I hated being around the guys..cause everytime I saw [them] in the same room, it would remind me of "[HIM & HER, HER & HIM] and then I'd want to go somewhere else and cry. Cause [she]'s just so much skinner and prettier than me and I knew I should have seen it coming. Like, why wouldn't you like [her]? She's got everything, she's pretty, fun to be around, and everybody just likes talking to her. [sentence edited out]. And I know I've said this before, and you're probably sick of hearing it, but there's this couple thing going on..And I guess it wouldn't have affected me so much if I hadn't moved this summer. NOT because so many things were changing, but because this summer I wrote sooo many blogs about how I was alone and there was nobody there for me. While we were moving I felt like there was nobody there I could count one and nobody who I could talk to who could help me out. I felt alone and that is honestly my biggest fear. Not to BE completely alone, but to feel it. All my life I've been an independent person, I never thought I really needed anybody and I thought that if I took care of myself, I'd appear to be a stronger person. And maybe that worked out when I was younger, but now being alone is like a constant problem for me. At home, at school, at TN. Maybe I'm over dramatizing it, but that's how it was to me. I didn't have a best friend at FV so once me and [bestfriend] started talking I just latched onto him and now we're best friends. But anyway, at TN I've always felt accepted by one person or another and I never expected to feel so lost or by myself, and I guess I'm just scared that the one place that's always made me feel safe and loved and needed, even will soon be a place I dread going to. I'd never want that, but now for some reason I feel like I don't belong anymore. Which is part of my number one biggest fear. Feeling completely alone and not belonging. And I haven’t talked to very many people about this cause I know they enjoy the [them] jokes and I don’t want to make things awkward in the group or between them and I don’t exactly want to be a pity case either.
TIFFANY
i think the whole [them] thing is not about "how much prettier she is" or "shes skinner" i think cause [edited out] she posesses the qualities he`s looking for. You`ll get over it and you`ll find someone else just let that door open. /// and no i`m not sick of hearing it and its good you keep repeating it cause now you know the problem and you`ll get tired of hearing it that you will want to fix it yourself and with the couples things its fine to say you feel left out when we all have a pair so just tell us and i`m pretty sure we`ll be fine to hang out with you not cause of pity but cause its the right thing to do and we love you. I know the move is what triggerred everything but you were the one that let yourself feel alone and closed up. i know you can`t do anything about it but make something of it. You have everyone you had in your life before the move still here but you just feel like since you moved further its harder to talk to them when its not. Don`t feel alone you have who you need. You belong, its just you set yourself apart and don`t TRY to fit in. you already feel neglected so you dont put in an effort to even be part of the group, FIGHT FOR IT. well all have a thing to fight for and right now this is yours , to hold onto the past . but honestly you need to inch your way forward jules
J:
I know that you guys are all in pairs now and that you ARE willing to hang out with me, I know that because I know that you're all good friends, but on the inside I'll always know that there's something different about me. And maybe I have been distancing myself from the group, but I can't just wake up and have everything feel better. I know you said that I should try to fit in, but how am I supposed to do that? I can't materialize a guy to bring along with me when we have hangouts. And it's unfair for everyone to have to put their effort into making ME feel like I should belong when it should just be them at the moment. That's what being a third [or ninth] wheel is. And thank you for writing that, it's just what I needed and I really really really appreciate it
TIFFANY
yeah i see where you are coming from but we should be better friends to you and notice these things and that you are going through a hard time . Talk to all the girls about this i`m sure they`ll give you more advice. But nothings different about you, you just live in a different place and go to a different school, none of that affects who you are. Well you really dont have to try when you do fit in . we were all friends before everything julie so friends we shall continue to before everything else
J:
I don't WANT to make everyone worry about me, that's why I didn't ever wanna say anything. And that day I went to sit by myself was mainly cause I didn't really wanna be around everyone, I just wanted to sit from afar and look at everything and see how people interacted with each other and think to myself. And I really appreciate that you've put in so much time and effort for me. It means the world to me that you've been practically the only one who's noticed and who's been there for me and this is why you're my best friend and I really love you for that and thank you, again
TIFFANY
Awe well just tell us when you need that alone time (: we`re all close friends julie we`re there for each other during our hard times cause we can`t get through them ourselves so just ask for the help. Its nothing, we`ve been friends for years so i should notice these things by now and i practically know you inside and out. I love you too best friend
If you read this at all, I seriously seriously love you. This is really personal stuff to me, but I figured only people who are close to me would read it, so why the heck not. If there's anything you'd like to say, I'm always cool with anonymous comments or Formsprings or whatever.
"No matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow."
J: I wanna talk to you about it, but I don't wanna sound like..pathetic?
TIFFANY: -______- why would you sound.."pathetic"? you loser just spill the beans [HAHA, ily Tiffany, you make me laugh :) ]
J:
Well I kind of always had a feeling he wouldn't like me. But then we kinda started talking and then I got my hopes up. And then [she] told me that they talked almost every day and I was just like okay, whatever and everything I thought just went down the drain. And for some reason, since me and [bestfriend] talked so much more my feelings just faded. It had nothing to do with liking [him], I just knew that he was the person I'd want to be my best friend. And then everyone started the whole [them] jokes and I just felt my self esteem die. I think that was the reason why I hated being around the guys..cause everytime I saw [them] in the same room, it would remind me of "[HIM & HER, HER & HIM] and then I'd want to go somewhere else and cry. Cause [she]'s just so much skinner and prettier than me and I knew I should have seen it coming. Like, why wouldn't you like [her]? She's got everything, she's pretty, fun to be around, and everybody just likes talking to her. [sentence edited out]. And I know I've said this before, and you're probably sick of hearing it, but there's this couple thing going on..And I guess it wouldn't have affected me so much if I hadn't moved this summer. NOT because so many things were changing, but because this summer I wrote sooo many blogs about how I was alone and there was nobody there for me. While we were moving I felt like there was nobody there I could count one and nobody who I could talk to who could help me out. I felt alone and that is honestly my biggest fear. Not to BE completely alone, but to feel it. All my life I've been an independent person, I never thought I really needed anybody and I thought that if I took care of myself, I'd appear to be a stronger person. And maybe that worked out when I was younger, but now being alone is like a constant problem for me. At home, at school, at TN. Maybe I'm over dramatizing it, but that's how it was to me. I didn't have a best friend at FV so once me and [bestfriend] started talking I just latched onto him and now we're best friends. But anyway, at TN I've always felt accepted by one person or another and I never expected to feel so lost or by myself, and I guess I'm just scared that the one place that's always made me feel safe and loved and needed, even will soon be a place I dread going to. I'd never want that, but now for some reason I feel like I don't belong anymore. Which is part of my number one biggest fear. Feeling completely alone and not belonging. And I haven’t talked to very many people about this cause I know they enjoy the [them] jokes and I don’t want to make things awkward in the group or between them and I don’t exactly want to be a pity case either.
TIFFANY
i think the whole [them] thing is not about "how much prettier she is" or "shes skinner" i think cause [edited out] she posesses the qualities he`s looking for. You`ll get over it and you`ll find someone else just let that door open. /// and no i`m not sick of hearing it and its good you keep repeating it cause now you know the problem and you`ll get tired of hearing it that you will want to fix it yourself and with the couples things its fine to say you feel left out when we all have a pair so just tell us and i`m pretty sure we`ll be fine to hang out with you not cause of pity but cause its the right thing to do and we love you. I know the move is what triggerred everything but you were the one that let yourself feel alone and closed up. i know you can`t do anything about it but make something of it. You have everyone you had in your life before the move still here but you just feel like since you moved further its harder to talk to them when its not. Don`t feel alone you have who you need. You belong, its just you set yourself apart and don`t TRY to fit in. you already feel neglected so you dont put in an effort to even be part of the group, FIGHT FOR IT. well all have a thing to fight for and right now this is yours , to hold onto the past . but honestly you need to inch your way forward jules
J:
I know that you guys are all in pairs now and that you ARE willing to hang out with me, I know that because I know that you're all good friends, but on the inside I'll always know that there's something different about me. And maybe I have been distancing myself from the group, but I can't just wake up and have everything feel better. I know you said that I should try to fit in, but how am I supposed to do that? I can't materialize a guy to bring along with me when we have hangouts. And it's unfair for everyone to have to put their effort into making ME feel like I should belong when it should just be them at the moment. That's what being a third [or ninth] wheel is. And thank you for writing that, it's just what I needed and I really really really appreciate it
TIFFANY
yeah i see where you are coming from but we should be better friends to you and notice these things and that you are going through a hard time . Talk to all the girls about this i`m sure they`ll give you more advice. But nothings different about you, you just live in a different place and go to a different school, none of that affects who you are. Well you really dont have to try when you do fit in . we were all friends before everything julie so friends we shall continue to before everything else
J:
I don't WANT to make everyone worry about me, that's why I didn't ever wanna say anything. And that day I went to sit by myself was mainly cause I didn't really wanna be around everyone, I just wanted to sit from afar and look at everything and see how people interacted with each other and think to myself. And I really appreciate that you've put in so much time and effort for me. It means the world to me that you've been practically the only one who's noticed and who's been there for me and this is why you're my best friend and I really love you for that and thank you, again
TIFFANY
Awe well just tell us when you need that alone time (: we`re all close friends julie we`re there for each other during our hard times cause we can`t get through them ourselves so just ask for the help. Its nothing, we`ve been friends for years so i should notice these things by now and i practically know you inside and out. I love you too best friend
If you read this at all, I seriously seriously love you. This is really personal stuff to me, but I figured only people who are close to me would read it, so why the heck not. If there's anything you'd like to say, I'm always cool with anonymous comments or Formsprings or whatever.
"No matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow."
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Hope & TiffanyNguyen
This is what I was talking to Tiffany about today. It's venting, which is pretty much what I do on here, so I thought I'd post it anyway. Some of it is just rambling on and on, but I want to leave it how I wrote it to Tiffany, so here it is. It's me talking about school, friends, relationships, and feeling lost.
I've been freaking out about my math test ever since last week. And I really did pay attention in class and I really tried to understand, but I just couldn't and it was the most frustrating thing ever. I felt really stupid for not understanding and I felt stupid for taking that class. I was scared cause my test was today and I was terrified of turning in a blank test cause I just didn't GET it. I wanted to stop caring about school and I didn't want to care if I got bad grades. But I know that's not who I am and I'm always going to care about my grades no matter what. So I took the test today and it really wasn't that bad. It was challenging, but I actually understood almost all of the concepts. I know I did my best and I'm going to be okay if I get a bad grade on it. Cause I've gotten so used to trying to make everything perfect because that was the only way I could make myself happy. I know I'm not a perfect person, but if I got my grades to be perfect, then maybe it would make up for it and it would be okay. And then once I started getting bad grades in math, I just felt horrible because if I was imperfect and my grades were imperfect, there was nothing I could do to make myself acceptable. I felt like a failure and I still do sometimes, but I think I've learned that nobody is perfect and I need to fail in order to learn from my mistakes. I'm trying to get through this class literally one breath at a time, but it's going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay in the end.
And another thing is that I feel very left out sometimes. At school, I'm not LIKE those other girls. They're obsessed with their image and they worry excessively about boys and gossip and it's just not me. I hate that I'm not like them cause I know that I can never completely fit in. I mean of course I'm always going to be myself, but I just feel like those girls are at a different level than I am. And another thing is these relationships. They're not bad or anything, it's just that they're another thing that make me feel..out of it. Everybody moves at their own pace and everybody knows when they're ready to be in one, and I'm happy with where I am relationships wise, but there's just something irksome about it that I can't quite put my finger on. Like..I'm trying to say this, but I don't wanna make anyone feel offended.
So lately there's been this outburst of relationships and crushes at TN and stuff and I know I've said this before, but there's just so much change. Of course I'm happy for you and ***** and *** and ***** and all, but I feel like it won't be the same. Not completely, anyway. In a way, I feel sort of abandoned. [not by you guys, just in general] I feel like ever since I moved, I've had to deal with a lot of things by myself. [this is where I start crying as I type this] And even though I know that there are people there for me to help me out, I still feel like I'm alone. I feel like nobody really understands what I'm going through and even though some people have helped me out, they've never quite said anything that's really made me say "YES, YOU GET IT!" You're one of my best friends and you know that, but I just need that person who's a best friend who goes to the same school who I can talk to. And back to the thing about feeling abandoned, I don't mean that anyone's left me, I mean like I'm the only one who hasn't been in anything with anyone and now everyone else is on a certain level where they understand each other except for me. This is so hard to explain...I feel very..lost in my life right now. I don't know what I want and I don't know if anything I'm doing is right. The reason why HOPE is such a big deal to me right now is cause that's all I'm doing. Everyone doodles LOVE on their notebooks with hearts on the sides, but I'm the one who's writing about hope. I'm hoping that I won't drift away from my friends from TN or from school. I'm hoping that I'm being guided in the right direction in my life. I'm hoping that someone in my life can come along and just make me feel like I belong somewhere.
TIFFANY:
you have you let yourself open up at school to help you find that best friend or other ? cause maybe you`ve just been closed up so much and holding onto the past that you aren`t loking ahead
its like that quote that you`ve just been so focused on the door thats been closed that you haven`t given a chance or even noticed the new door thats been opened ?
i know you can`t go back to what you had but don`t act like its the end of the world Julie, you`ll get through this, live life.
i can`t say much cause i don`t know how you feel and i can`t relate
but i`m trying (:
I am open at school, I'm always talking to people in my classes and sometimes I'm like yaaay I finally feel like things are getting better. And they are, but other times, I feel like it's all fake. At the moment, I'm NOT acting fake, but once I stop and think about it, it just all feels like pretend. As if at the end of the day none of it matters and I just go back to square one. Idk, maybe I am focusing too much on the door that's closed..But I also feel like if I move on, I'll drift from my old friends more and I'll begin to forget or something like that. No, okay honestly, you don't even HAVE to say anything. You just listening to me go on and on is more than I could ever ask of you. And the fact that you're trying to help me out deserves more that my gratitude can offer. I know you can't relate to this, but it's okay. And I know that some of this relationship stuff is addressed towards you and I'm sorry if it was offensive, but I'm glad you were here to listen. You're the closest best friend I have right now and if you weren't here, I'd probably still be sitting here all alone with my bitter feelings. You're such a happy person all the time and I truly envy you for it. That quote that you put on your formspring..it really spoke out to me. Every time I go to your page I read that quote at least three times and everytime it gets to me. Happiness is learning to accept the imperfections. Thank you for helping me realize that and thank you for everything.
TIFFANY:
Well if you value your old friends that much you won`t forget them or drift away. Its all up to you, thats how i felt last year but i`ve found my best friend at school that i didn`t even know last year but i`m still able to hold strong relationship with you guys. Its cause i fight for whats important to me and not let anything phase me. Its not offending me at all and from day one i`ve been iffy on it too. Honestly i`m not happy all the time, i sometimes fake my happiness just so it doesn`t bring others down and i guess cause i don`t let anything really get to me, i deal with my probelms right away instead of holding it in. We are all imperfect and trying to be otherwise is wasting your originality, your uniquness, yourself.
I've been freaking out about my math test ever since last week. And I really did pay attention in class and I really tried to understand, but I just couldn't and it was the most frustrating thing ever. I felt really stupid for not understanding and I felt stupid for taking that class. I was scared cause my test was today and I was terrified of turning in a blank test cause I just didn't GET it. I wanted to stop caring about school and I didn't want to care if I got bad grades. But I know that's not who I am and I'm always going to care about my grades no matter what. So I took the test today and it really wasn't that bad. It was challenging, but I actually understood almost all of the concepts. I know I did my best and I'm going to be okay if I get a bad grade on it. Cause I've gotten so used to trying to make everything perfect because that was the only way I could make myself happy. I know I'm not a perfect person, but if I got my grades to be perfect, then maybe it would make up for it and it would be okay. And then once I started getting bad grades in math, I just felt horrible because if I was imperfect and my grades were imperfect, there was nothing I could do to make myself acceptable. I felt like a failure and I still do sometimes, but I think I've learned that nobody is perfect and I need to fail in order to learn from my mistakes. I'm trying to get through this class literally one breath at a time, but it's going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay in the end.
And another thing is that I feel very left out sometimes. At school, I'm not LIKE those other girls. They're obsessed with their image and they worry excessively about boys and gossip and it's just not me. I hate that I'm not like them cause I know that I can never completely fit in. I mean of course I'm always going to be myself, but I just feel like those girls are at a different level than I am. And another thing is these relationships. They're not bad or anything, it's just that they're another thing that make me feel..out of it. Everybody moves at their own pace and everybody knows when they're ready to be in one, and I'm happy with where I am relationships wise, but there's just something irksome about it that I can't quite put my finger on. Like..I'm trying to say this, but I don't wanna make anyone feel offended.
So lately there's been this outburst of relationships and crushes at TN and stuff and I know I've said this before, but there's just so much change. Of course I'm happy for you and ***** and *** and ***** and all, but I feel like it won't be the same. Not completely, anyway. In a way, I feel sort of abandoned. [not by you guys, just in general] I feel like ever since I moved, I've had to deal with a lot of things by myself. [this is where I start crying as I type this] And even though I know that there are people there for me to help me out, I still feel like I'm alone. I feel like nobody really understands what I'm going through and even though some people have helped me out, they've never quite said anything that's really made me say "YES, YOU GET IT!" You're one of my best friends and you know that, but I just need that person who's a best friend who goes to the same school who I can talk to. And back to the thing about feeling abandoned, I don't mean that anyone's left me, I mean like I'm the only one who hasn't been in anything with anyone and now everyone else is on a certain level where they understand each other except for me. This is so hard to explain...I feel very..lost in my life right now. I don't know what I want and I don't know if anything I'm doing is right. The reason why HOPE is such a big deal to me right now is cause that's all I'm doing. Everyone doodles LOVE on their notebooks with hearts on the sides, but I'm the one who's writing about hope. I'm hoping that I won't drift away from my friends from TN or from school. I'm hoping that I'm being guided in the right direction in my life. I'm hoping that someone in my life can come along and just make me feel like I belong somewhere.
TIFFANY:
you have you let yourself open up at school to help you find that best friend or other ? cause maybe you`ve just been closed up so much and holding onto the past that you aren`t loking ahead
its like that quote that you`ve just been so focused on the door thats been closed that you haven`t given a chance or even noticed the new door thats been opened ?
i know you can`t go back to what you had but don`t act like its the end of the world Julie, you`ll get through this, live life.
i can`t say much cause i don`t know how you feel and i can`t relate
but i`m trying (:
I am open at school, I'm always talking to people in my classes and sometimes I'm like yaaay I finally feel like things are getting better. And they are, but other times, I feel like it's all fake. At the moment, I'm NOT acting fake, but once I stop and think about it, it just all feels like pretend. As if at the end of the day none of it matters and I just go back to square one. Idk, maybe I am focusing too much on the door that's closed..But I also feel like if I move on, I'll drift from my old friends more and I'll begin to forget or something like that. No, okay honestly, you don't even HAVE to say anything. You just listening to me go on and on is more than I could ever ask of you. And the fact that you're trying to help me out deserves more that my gratitude can offer. I know you can't relate to this, but it's okay. And I know that some of this relationship stuff is addressed towards you and I'm sorry if it was offensive, but I'm glad you were here to listen. You're the closest best friend I have right now and if you weren't here, I'd probably still be sitting here all alone with my bitter feelings. You're such a happy person all the time and I truly envy you for it. That quote that you put on your formspring..it really spoke out to me. Every time I go to your page I read that quote at least three times and everytime it gets to me. Happiness is learning to accept the imperfections. Thank you for helping me realize that and thank you for everything.
TIFFANY:
Well if you value your old friends that much you won`t forget them or drift away. Its all up to you, thats how i felt last year but i`ve found my best friend at school that i didn`t even know last year but i`m still able to hold strong relationship with you guys. Its cause i fight for whats important to me and not let anything phase me. Its not offending me at all and from day one i`ve been iffy on it too. Honestly i`m not happy all the time, i sometimes fake my happiness just so it doesn`t bring others down and i guess cause i don`t let anything really get to me, i deal with my probelms right away instead of holding it in. We are all imperfect and trying to be otherwise is wasting your originality, your uniquness, yourself.
“Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.”
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
formspring.me
What do you want for Christmas?
I really really have noo clue. But umm, I'll try and make a quick list
-Any cute shirts
-A new purse/bag
-Gift cards [NO consumer places like Starbucks or Jamba]
-Posters for my room
-Something that has to do with an inside joke between me and you
-New scarf
-Miles to Go by Miley Cyrus
-Any Miley & Max clothing
-Taylor Lautner shirt or merchandise
-dresses
-$$$
-More questions in my formspring [;
*I might think of more later, but this list was a spur of the moment thing*
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Neglecting the Blog
Blog, I have neglected you for much too long. There’s SO much that’s happened that I’ve been meaning to tell you, but I just procrastinate too much and then I forget about it and I keep putting it off and soon, the idea I wanted so badly to write down just isn’t there anymore, you know?
Well the person I’ve liked for I guess a while now is slowly fading from my like zone. I don’t know why, but he just is. And the person who I’ve pushed to the back of my mind is slowly making his way forward. That, I don’t know the reason to either. I guess it’s just one of those things that happen. Like, why do you grow older? Cause time passes and you just do. Why do we stop liking the people we like? Cause time passes and we just do. It’s not a right or wrong thing and it’s certainly not your fault.
I just thought I’d write this for a couple people I know who are having difficulties in their relationship right now. You get over people. And though that may hurt the other person, you can’t just stay with them cause you feel bad. That’s SO unfair to the other person cause I mean, how would you feel if someone stayed with you out of sympathy? Or even pity? Sometimes it’s best to move on sooner than later cause it’ll only be harder for you to make a decision later. And about everything you’ve gone through and everything you’ve built together…that’s hard to let go of, but if you don’t leave it in the past where it belongs, you’ll never be able to set foot in the future properly. And you know what, sometimes you don’t have to always let go…
One of my best friends once told me, “I will move on, but I will never let go”. And that’s one of the most powerful and meaningful quotes I’ve ever heard. Remember that it’s okay to move on and that if you hold back when you don’t want to, it can just hurt the both of you in the long run. Sometimes what you can't live without isn't always good for you.
Okay, I’m just gonna stop there before I make myself sound more like an idiot than I already do.
X, Julie
PS. Oh my gosh, I just realized that this may have been my shortest post yet! I didn't feel like adding on to it. This post doesn't even make sense, but I'll just post it anyway. I'm working on another post. I'm sorry it's been a month since I've written anything! Agh, okay, well I'll post to you later! :)
Well the person I’ve liked for I guess a while now is slowly fading from my like zone. I don’t know why, but he just is. And the person who I’ve pushed to the back of my mind is slowly making his way forward. That, I don’t know the reason to either. I guess it’s just one of those things that happen. Like, why do you grow older? Cause time passes and you just do. Why do we stop liking the people we like? Cause time passes and we just do. It’s not a right or wrong thing and it’s certainly not your fault.
I just thought I’d write this for a couple people I know who are having difficulties in their relationship right now. You get over people. And though that may hurt the other person, you can’t just stay with them cause you feel bad. That’s SO unfair to the other person cause I mean, how would you feel if someone stayed with you out of sympathy? Or even pity? Sometimes it’s best to move on sooner than later cause it’ll only be harder for you to make a decision later. And about everything you’ve gone through and everything you’ve built together…that’s hard to let go of, but if you don’t leave it in the past where it belongs, you’ll never be able to set foot in the future properly. And you know what, sometimes you don’t have to always let go…
One of my best friends once told me, “I will move on, but I will never let go”. And that’s one of the most powerful and meaningful quotes I’ve ever heard. Remember that it’s okay to move on and that if you hold back when you don’t want to, it can just hurt the both of you in the long run. Sometimes what you can't live without isn't always good for you.
Okay, I’m just gonna stop there before I make myself sound more like an idiot than I already do.
X, Julie
PS. Oh my gosh, I just realized that this may have been my shortest post yet! I didn't feel like adding on to it. This post doesn't even make sense, but I'll just post it anyway. I'm working on another post. I'm sorry it's been a month since I've written anything! Agh, okay, well I'll post to you later! :)
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