DAMN, does time fly. Tomorrow's my last day of summer and it feels as if it were yesterday that I was crying snot dripping tears on the last day of school. I don't know if I can write this blog without crying cause I'm already starting to feel tears well up in my eyes, but I'm gonna try. So lately I've been thinking about this whole thing about 'change' and how it HAS to happen and how it's inevitable. I know it obviously has to happen, but I don't want it to.
I registered for school today. I didn't get any of the classes I wanted since I was a late transfer. I wanted Honors English, Bio, Algebra2/Trig. What did I end up getting? English 1, CollegePrep PhysScience, and Geometry [again]. I can't get into Honors English at all, if someone drops out of Bio, THEN I can get in, and I have to take a placement test to get into Algebra 2. This is so complicated. If only I lived in Tustin. That way, I'll be guaranteed to get into the classes I want.
I have no friends right now, and I just REALLY want someone to be there that I can cry to. I need a best friend cause right now, I have nobody. This pains me more than anything in the world, being alone right now. Crap, I just started crying. I can text my friends in a heartbeat and they’ll be there to comfort me and listen to my problems, but none of them can actually understand and like I said, it’s not their fault. I just wish there was someone who would actually physically be here who GETS what I’m trying to say.
My friend Cindy, who goes to the same church as me, is a junior and she also goes to FV and I love her to pieces. She’s such a great person and friend, but I don’t just wanna dump all my problems on her for her to deal with.
Whoever said that they don’t need friends is wrong. I used to say it myself. I said that because I was afraid to admit that I desperately DID need friends, so I just told myself that I was well and comfy to function without friends. But I was so incredibly stupid. Now I’ll admit it. I’ll shout it. I’ll announce it to the whole entire world. I NEED A FRIEND. I’m desperate for a soul who will be there for me and help me through my stupid freshman year of high school.
Most people just waltz through the high school gates acting as if they’re the shit just cause they can finally consider themselves high school students. But I’m not gonna do that. I’m gonna be honest and truthful and admit to you right now that I’m scare shitless. I don’t wanna do this, I can’t do this. It’s scary, it’s frightening. I mean yea, it’s freakin awesome, but on the inside I’m being ripped and torn into pieces. Everyday I drift away from my friends, knowing that with every hour and second that goes by, I won’t know what goes on in their lives like I used to. We can’t gossip and complain together. I’m afraid of being myself around people cause they don’t know all sides of me and they might not accept me for who I am or something like that… of course I’m not gonna be fake, but I’m just idk, worried? It feels so weird typing all of this cause I’m usually SUPER social and I’m never afraid to talk to people, but I guess it’s just different this time. I won’t know if I’m choosing the right friends to hang out with, but I've got to give people a chance if I want a chance from them as well.
ASDFGHJKL I just had a conversation with Cindy. She just made me cry. I don’t think I’ve ever had someone as inspirational and encouraging as her. I’m sitting here moping and sulking while there is MUCH more than being in an honors class. Though I would much rather prefer to take classes that are challenging for me, taking a regular class isn’t the end of the world.
Haha, that was weird…I started writing this blog to write about how I hate school and how life isn’t fair cause I didn’t get things my way, but I think I’ve made a big improvement. I’m looking at high school a little more brightly. I’m still in the process of finding my best friend, but that always takes time.
My mood has definitely changed and I’m so glad cause I REALLY did not want to start high school pissed off and angry. LOL
FVHS, here I come…Go Barons…? :)
PS. I know that my life’s not ruined and that life messes up, but it continues to go on. And that's something we all kinda have to deal with whether we like it or not
Monday, August 31, 2009
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Thankful
Alright, sorry for last 2 blogs. They were all emo and depressing and stuff. Trust me, it was the mood swings. Haha. I had a rude awakening by my dad this morning to go to Fountain Valley to ask them about our high school registration. Turns out we have to wait at least a week for them to give us a call. Crap, I wanna get into the school, but I wanna get honors classes too. Hm, well I guess all I can do is just sit back and “let things fall into place”
My dad and I seem to be doing better than the past week. I think and hope anyway. We went to TUSTIN! And visited my cousins! I was sooo happy, you have no idea. My cousin Scott came back and he’s sleeping in our old room. So once we move out, he’ll have his room all to himself. I guess it’s kinda depressing for me, but I’m happy for him and I’m glad he’s back. I saw Kim which made me really happy and I think Kim, Jeffrey, and Scott are gonna come out to the bonfire that’s being held for me and my sister on Sunday. We picked up my CST scores and I must say that I was very happy with my results. For once, I’m not criticizing my own grade!
Well after we left Tustin, we went to Fountain Valley to look at the progress. Everything had been taken out, even the built in cabinets. All that’s left was the walls and tiles. On the bright side, my room is painted! On the moody side, it turned out more green-aqua-blue instead of a solid light green I was hoping for, but I think I’ll eventually grow out of green and settle for this color since it’s more neutral.
We came home and thankfully, after three days of waiting, I was taken to the library. I’m pretty sad cause I’m still missing 7 Alice books and found out that the library I go to doesn’t carry those at all. But I guess I can wait til we move so that I can borrow those at the FV library.
Dangit, I had finished writing my blog, but Microsoft Word stopped working and didn’t save the rest! Oh well, I’ll try to rewrite as best I can and remember.
Well I guess today I’m just really thankful.
I’m thankful that I got to visit my cousins today.
I’m thankful that I’m here and I’m healthy
I’m thankful for a sister for when times get tough. Or just plain boring
I’m thankful for amazing celebrities we can all look up to. MileyCyrus<3>
My dad and I seem to be doing better than the past week. I think and hope anyway. We went to TUSTIN! And visited my cousins! I was sooo happy, you have no idea. My cousin Scott came back and he’s sleeping in our old room. So once we move out, he’ll have his room all to himself. I guess it’s kinda depressing for me, but I’m happy for him and I’m glad he’s back. I saw Kim which made me really happy and I think Kim, Jeffrey, and Scott are gonna come out to the bonfire that’s being held for me and my sister on Sunday. We picked up my CST scores and I must say that I was very happy with my results. For once, I’m not criticizing my own grade!
Well after we left Tustin, we went to Fountain Valley to look at the progress. Everything had been taken out, even the built in cabinets. All that’s left was the walls and tiles. On the bright side, my room is painted! On the moody side, it turned out more green-aqua-blue instead of a solid light green I was hoping for, but I think I’ll eventually grow out of green and settle for this color since it’s more neutral.
We came home and thankfully, after three days of waiting, I was taken to the library. I’m pretty sad cause I’m still missing 7 Alice books and found out that the library I go to doesn’t carry those at all. But I guess I can wait til we move so that I can borrow those at the FV library.
Dangit, I had finished writing my blog, but Microsoft Word stopped working and didn’t save the rest! Oh well, I’ll try to rewrite as best I can and remember.
Well I guess today I’m just really thankful.
I’m thankful that I got to visit my cousins today.
I’m thankful that I’m here and I’m healthy
I’m thankful for a sister for when times get tough. Or just plain boring
I’m thankful for amazing celebrities we can all look up to. MileyCyrus<3>
Monday, August 17, 2009
Rambling, kinda
Today, I finished the last Alice book I had borrowed from the library. It’s a series and I was missing maybe about 5 books inbetween. So I had read the beginning and I had read the end, but the middle was missing. [Gosh I am so anxious to read the missing ones! I hope they’re in the library when I go tomorrow]
I don’t wanna get all smart mouthy, but isn’t that how life is? You know your beginning. That’s your birth. And you know your end. Your death. But then where’s the rest of your life? You don’t know what the heck happens in the middle. Well, life’s not a library. You can’t just come in and expect for there to be a book to complete your life. Nobody else is the author of your life but yourself. Ever heard the quote that goes something like “I’m writing my life story. Unfortunately, I’ve written in pen and I can’t erase my mistakes.” Something like that, anyway. Well what I’ve got to say is, SO? You use a pen and God gives you whiteout. I know, I know, sometimes it’s not that easy, but at least it’s worth a try.
Okay, where the heck am I going with this? I don’t even know what I’m saying. Anyway, why do people always hold onto their pasts? And when they do hold on to the past, why do people scold them and tell them to stop?
Well, maybe people hold onto their pasts because that’s when their lives were never better. Maybe that’s the time that people had no regrets and nothing went wrong. But we need the other people to scold us. They’re with us for a reason. To make sure that we don’t fantasize about trying to live in the past when it’s already gone. It’s done and it’s over. I always say stuff, but I don’t necessarily always take my own advice. I DO tell other people that the past is in the past, but I hold on too. I think everybody does. And though I may not want to reverse the hours of the clock and live back in the day, I do miss some things that occurred back then. Hanging out with my cousins and my friends. Having life as amazing as ever. Living however I wanted when the ONLY problem in the way was boredom. Now my problems include missing my friends. Missing my cousins. Missing my house, my bed.
Life problems come in different shapes and sizes. And JUST because someone doesn’t have to deal with your problem, doesn’t mean that they don’t have problems of their own. Maybe you’re going through a breakup with your boyfriend and you expect everyone to sympathize. And when not everyone does, you have to understand that there’s more to life than a boyfriend you really loved.
Maybe somebody else is having a huge argument with their best friend.
Maybe somebody else is feeling awfully left out because none of her friends talk to her. Maybe somebody else has an eating disorder and can’t quite control it.
Maybe somebody else is addicted to drugs and it’s turning their life upside down.
Maybe somebody else is poor and can’t afford cool stuff, and hardly food.
Maybe somebody else has leukemia or cancer and is on the verge of dying.
Suddenly it makes your problems look really small. And then you’re super thankful that you are who you are and that you still have hair on your head. I write this and I KNOW that I should take my own advice, but it’s hard. Everything in life is hard. Life was not meant or created to be easy. Or maybe it was and we’re all just making it more complicated for ourselves. I don’t know.
I just opened this document where I copy and pasted these quotes about writing from this one website. One of my favorites says:
“Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self.”
“Don't try to figure out what other people want to hear from you; figure out what you have to say.”
I really could not agree more with both. I think I’m a fairly good writer, but I also know that sometimes my writing stinks. Sometimes people can write anything from the top of their heads, but sometimes I get stuck. That’s why I doodle in my notebook and I promise you, there isn’t anything better than scribbling down the lyrics to the song you relate to most or just plain drawing.
I love writing and I don’t care if people think I’m a horrible person for what I write. I hate when people think I’m a bad person for cursing. I admit, sometimes I DO direct words to a certain person, but most of the time I just cuss cause it seems to fit with my writing and I like it that way. Ugh, okay to be honest, I have nothing to write about, so I’m just rambling. Reading back on this, I don’t even understand where some of these topics are emerging. It sucks when I run out of things to say cause I ALWAYS have something to say, but none of it is worthy of being written down right now. I’ll probably just repeat a topic and start talking about how lonely I am. Dammit. I just realized that I don’t have an effing book to read tonight. So I’ll probably stay up doing nothing. Crap, I depended on reading, you know. Reading was my life for the past um, 3 days. 4 books a day for 3 days. Boy, do I feel amazing. haha
Oh how I wish I had a smoothie. It would definitely cheer me up right now without a doubt. But I haven’t been out shopping or anything at all. My parents are too busy. My aunt and uncle aren’t able to take me anywhere. My shoppaholic aunt is doing who knows what. I feel so antisocial. But even if my aunt DID take me shopping, it’ll probably be to Nordstrom or Macy’s or some expensive place so that I wouldn’t have the fun or pleasure of shopping anyway. I wish I could go out with my friends and make up more amazing memories that would last with us forever. I wish I could hang out with my cousins and get some ice cream on a hot day. Doing all of that seems so far away when it was actually only a week ago. And then school’s kind of right around the corner too. I’M NOT EVEN REGISTERED FOR SCHOOL YET! I want to take honors classes and do well and get into a good college and have a successful job, but I don’t even know what the hell I want for my job right now. God, I swear life sucks. I was supposed to be registered like a week ago, but I’ll probably have to go to school at Los Amigos and not Fountain Valley.
Well I've run out of things to say, so this will be it for now.
I don’t wanna get all smart mouthy, but isn’t that how life is? You know your beginning. That’s your birth. And you know your end. Your death. But then where’s the rest of your life? You don’t know what the heck happens in the middle. Well, life’s not a library. You can’t just come in and expect for there to be a book to complete your life. Nobody else is the author of your life but yourself. Ever heard the quote that goes something like “I’m writing my life story. Unfortunately, I’ve written in pen and I can’t erase my mistakes.” Something like that, anyway. Well what I’ve got to say is, SO? You use a pen and God gives you whiteout. I know, I know, sometimes it’s not that easy, but at least it’s worth a try.
Okay, where the heck am I going with this? I don’t even know what I’m saying. Anyway, why do people always hold onto their pasts? And when they do hold on to the past, why do people scold them and tell them to stop?
Well, maybe people hold onto their pasts because that’s when their lives were never better. Maybe that’s the time that people had no regrets and nothing went wrong. But we need the other people to scold us. They’re with us for a reason. To make sure that we don’t fantasize about trying to live in the past when it’s already gone. It’s done and it’s over. I always say stuff, but I don’t necessarily always take my own advice. I DO tell other people that the past is in the past, but I hold on too. I think everybody does. And though I may not want to reverse the hours of the clock and live back in the day, I do miss some things that occurred back then. Hanging out with my cousins and my friends. Having life as amazing as ever. Living however I wanted when the ONLY problem in the way was boredom. Now my problems include missing my friends. Missing my cousins. Missing my house, my bed.
Life problems come in different shapes and sizes. And JUST because someone doesn’t have to deal with your problem, doesn’t mean that they don’t have problems of their own. Maybe you’re going through a breakup with your boyfriend and you expect everyone to sympathize. And when not everyone does, you have to understand that there’s more to life than a boyfriend you really loved.
Maybe somebody else is having a huge argument with their best friend.
Maybe somebody else is feeling awfully left out because none of her friends talk to her. Maybe somebody else has an eating disorder and can’t quite control it.
Maybe somebody else is addicted to drugs and it’s turning their life upside down.
Maybe somebody else is poor and can’t afford cool stuff, and hardly food.
Maybe somebody else has leukemia or cancer and is on the verge of dying.
Suddenly it makes your problems look really small. And then you’re super thankful that you are who you are and that you still have hair on your head. I write this and I KNOW that I should take my own advice, but it’s hard. Everything in life is hard. Life was not meant or created to be easy. Or maybe it was and we’re all just making it more complicated for ourselves. I don’t know.
I just opened this document where I copy and pasted these quotes about writing from this one website. One of my favorites says:
“Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self.”
“Don't try to figure out what other people want to hear from you; figure out what you have to say.”
I really could not agree more with both. I think I’m a fairly good writer, but I also know that sometimes my writing stinks. Sometimes people can write anything from the top of their heads, but sometimes I get stuck. That’s why I doodle in my notebook and I promise you, there isn’t anything better than scribbling down the lyrics to the song you relate to most or just plain drawing.
I love writing and I don’t care if people think I’m a horrible person for what I write. I hate when people think I’m a bad person for cursing. I admit, sometimes I DO direct words to a certain person, but most of the time I just cuss cause it seems to fit with my writing and I like it that way. Ugh, okay to be honest, I have nothing to write about, so I’m just rambling. Reading back on this, I don’t even understand where some of these topics are emerging. It sucks when I run out of things to say cause I ALWAYS have something to say, but none of it is worthy of being written down right now. I’ll probably just repeat a topic and start talking about how lonely I am. Dammit. I just realized that I don’t have an effing book to read tonight. So I’ll probably stay up doing nothing. Crap, I depended on reading, you know. Reading was my life for the past um, 3 days. 4 books a day for 3 days. Boy, do I feel amazing. haha
Oh how I wish I had a smoothie. It would definitely cheer me up right now without a doubt. But I haven’t been out shopping or anything at all. My parents are too busy. My aunt and uncle aren’t able to take me anywhere. My shoppaholic aunt is doing who knows what. I feel so antisocial. But even if my aunt DID take me shopping, it’ll probably be to Nordstrom or Macy’s or some expensive place so that I wouldn’t have the fun or pleasure of shopping anyway. I wish I could go out with my friends and make up more amazing memories that would last with us forever. I wish I could hang out with my cousins and get some ice cream on a hot day. Doing all of that seems so far away when it was actually only a week ago. And then school’s kind of right around the corner too. I’M NOT EVEN REGISTERED FOR SCHOOL YET! I want to take honors classes and do well and get into a good college and have a successful job, but I don’t even know what the hell I want for my job right now. God, I swear life sucks. I was supposed to be registered like a week ago, but I’ll probably have to go to school at Los Amigos and not Fountain Valley.
Well I've run out of things to say, so this will be it for now.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Getting upset and stuff
Have any of you guys ever gotten in an argument with your parents? Have you ever yelled back at them, knowing you were wrong? Have you ever gone out of your way just to piss em off? Have your ever ignored what they told you NOT to do and just went along doing it? I mean, haven’t we ALL done that?
My parents can seriously tick me off SO much. They tell me to get off the computer, but it’s summer and it’s not even late and I’m not even tired! They tell me to find something else to do other than go on the computer and immediately I say that there’s nothing to do over the summer and what do they expect me to do, study?! And then my parents tell me that I could at least read here and then right away I dramatically gesture around the room and go, well do you SEE any books that I can read around here? And then I got yelled at for being a smart ass. I’ve been doing stuff like that lately. I’m not the “good, smart, responsible child” my parents thought I was and want me to be. Well newsflash mother and father, I’m not perfect! And I’m not going to try to be for you!
The other day, my dad told me to get off the computer and I said okay and finished up the sentence I was typing and literally 5 seconds later,[I counted] he screams at me and tells me to get off NOW. I say, “I am! Be quiet!” A second later, he’s right beside me and I get a smack to my head. My dad and uncle always slap me on my head. Uh, way to kill my brain cells and then expect me to be smart. Assholes. It’s not like it hurt, it’s just that they do it ALL the time and sometimes for no reason at all and it’s really annoying. I swear next time someone slaps me up the head, I’m gonna turn around and slap ‘em back. Except for my dad. He never jokes around anymore.
He used to be fun and all, but now he’s just impatient and grumpy. He always laughed with my sister and me and we used to love it when he came home cause he only came home once every two weeks working in Bakersfield. Eventually, there came a point where I didn’t want him to come home cause he was so annoying. And now that our house in Fountain Valley is being remodeled, we’re staying at my Aunt’s house and I see my dad every night when he comes home from helping out with the remodeling. [I never see him in the morning cause I never wake up early enough. And I never try to.]
I was seriously so annoyed and aggravated at my dad that I didn’t care if he had to wake up early in the morning. I turned off the computer as he told me to and stomped into my room. The floor is wood so it makes a looouuudddd noise. He yelled at me to stop and be quiet and I just yelled back, IM SORRY, I’M TOO FAT TO CONTROL MYSELF. There. That should shut him up. He calls me fat all the fucking time anyway. I went into my room, grabbed my clothes, and slammed the bathroom door. I locked it and then began singing “I HATE MY DAAAAAAD” in a high, squeaky, and extremely annoying voice. Like I said, I didn’t like my dad that day. I wanted to annoy him just as he had been annoying the shit out of me for the past couple of days. I heard someone try to open the bathroom and then I heard my dad’s voice say “WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?!” I calmly replied “I’m taking a SHOWER!” And under my breath I added “Now go the fuck away.” I had done a lot of cussing that night. All under my breath, of course. I stepped into the shower, turned on the water and began the show. I sang and sang and sang. I sang along to every melody I could think of at that moment and tried to be as loud as I could. I didn’t care if I got in trouble, I didn’t care about anything, except for reading. Oh, and my mom. I loved my mom a lot the past week.
Even though both my parents were gone for the whole day until the evening, I still escaped outside, sat on my grandfather’s creaky rocking chair, and read Alice McKinley books by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor. I liked reading, but only books that were interesting. If they were, I could have probably finished 6 books in a day. These books were my lifesavers for a couple of days. I got so wrapped up in Alice’s life and problems that I didn’t even pay attention to my own. If Alice was upset and heartbroken, I was upset and heartbroken for her. If Alice was feeling happy, giddy and romantic, then I felt the same way too. It was really nice just to stop thinking about school and life and forgotten friends.
I always think of my cousins. Always. They’re back in Tustin and I’m here, wishing more than anything in the world that I could be in Tustin with them this very moment. I found out that my cousin Scott, who I had also lived with for 8 years, just moved back from Texas. He had lived there for 5 months with his mom, but then decided he wanted to go back to school here with his aunt, who he’s been living with his whole life. I miss them all so much; I just can’t help but cry sometimes. I wish I had someone to talk to about this. Someone who would lie down in bed across from me who I could just spill all of this to. I know I can tell my friends, but not all of them really understand how it is and I don’t want to sound whiny to them. I’ve heard soo many times that things change. And I hate hearing it. Okay, yea, things change and I know they have to, but I don’t want them to. And I don’t want somebody to just sit there and tell me that it’s going to be okay and that life will carry on and I’ll make new friends and love my new life. Maybe I will, but right now, I kinda hate it. I just want someone to talk to me and understand what I’m going through. I want to sit there and spill everything to someone and talk as long as I want [cause I can go on for hours] and I want to cry while I talk and have them comfort me and tell me some crazy amazing advice. I want a counselor. Not just a counselor. I want a friend. I want someone like my old middle school counselor, Ms. Tiffani. I want someone to ask me questions relevant to what I’m going through.
I don’t want people to tell me that I’m strong and that I can handle this cause I’m a big girl with a smart head cause I don’t even care about that. I just don’t want to go through this alone. If there’s one thing I hate more than snakes, it’s being alone. And I’m not talking about the kind of alone where you sit outside by yourself and everyone plays inside, I’m talking about the alone where you’re the only one in this world. That sounds dramatic, but what I mean is that I want someone THERE. There’s nobody HERE for me! I have my friends, but it’s been so long since I’ve seen them and they’re all going to the same high school together and here I am just alone and lonely and I haven’t talked to all of them in forever. I feel so abandoned. And it’s not their fault or anything, it’s just that time has pulled us apart and I’m afraid more than ever that not even our friendships could piece us together again.
I have to go to high school in a new area with people I don’t know and honestly, I’m scared. There’s nobody there with me on the first day of school. I can’t walk around and look for somebody I can link arms with while I look for my locker. I’m completely on my own and I know it. That’s why I feel abandoned. That’s why I feel alone. That’s why I’m crying. For the first time in a long time, I feel left out. I’m not saying I’ve always felt popular, I’m just saying I’ve always been around people I love and for the first time, they’re all going to be together in high school and I’m not.
I’ve never been the one who cries easily. If someone makes a mean comment about me, I blush and get mad, but I get over it. If I fall down hard and it hurts, I whine about it and then it get over it. But now that everything I’ve ever loved has been taken away from me, I can’t do anything but cry lately these days. Crying seems to be a habit. Something SO simple can make tears run down my face. The other day I was pissed off about losing my notebook and then I got an email from my cousin Kim who I’ve lived with for 8 years and it set off the waterworks. I bawled and sobbed and cried. I couldn’t stop and it was one of the most wonderful letters I’ve ever received. It’s probably because I PMS and I get moody and my emotions are a friggin roller coaster. Or maybe I’ve just been a huge mess ever since school was over.
My parents can seriously tick me off SO much. They tell me to get off the computer, but it’s summer and it’s not even late and I’m not even tired! They tell me to find something else to do other than go on the computer and immediately I say that there’s nothing to do over the summer and what do they expect me to do, study?! And then my parents tell me that I could at least read here and then right away I dramatically gesture around the room and go, well do you SEE any books that I can read around here? And then I got yelled at for being a smart ass. I’ve been doing stuff like that lately. I’m not the “good, smart, responsible child” my parents thought I was and want me to be. Well newsflash mother and father, I’m not perfect! And I’m not going to try to be for you!
The other day, my dad told me to get off the computer and I said okay and finished up the sentence I was typing and literally 5 seconds later,[I counted] he screams at me and tells me to get off NOW. I say, “I am! Be quiet!” A second later, he’s right beside me and I get a smack to my head. My dad and uncle always slap me on my head. Uh, way to kill my brain cells and then expect me to be smart. Assholes. It’s not like it hurt, it’s just that they do it ALL the time and sometimes for no reason at all and it’s really annoying. I swear next time someone slaps me up the head, I’m gonna turn around and slap ‘em back. Except for my dad. He never jokes around anymore.
He used to be fun and all, but now he’s just impatient and grumpy. He always laughed with my sister and me and we used to love it when he came home cause he only came home once every two weeks working in Bakersfield. Eventually, there came a point where I didn’t want him to come home cause he was so annoying. And now that our house in Fountain Valley is being remodeled, we’re staying at my Aunt’s house and I see my dad every night when he comes home from helping out with the remodeling. [I never see him in the morning cause I never wake up early enough. And I never try to.]
I was seriously so annoyed and aggravated at my dad that I didn’t care if he had to wake up early in the morning. I turned off the computer as he told me to and stomped into my room. The floor is wood so it makes a looouuudddd noise. He yelled at me to stop and be quiet and I just yelled back, IM SORRY, I’M TOO FAT TO CONTROL MYSELF. There. That should shut him up. He calls me fat all the fucking time anyway. I went into my room, grabbed my clothes, and slammed the bathroom door. I locked it and then began singing “I HATE MY DAAAAAAD” in a high, squeaky, and extremely annoying voice. Like I said, I didn’t like my dad that day. I wanted to annoy him just as he had been annoying the shit out of me for the past couple of days. I heard someone try to open the bathroom and then I heard my dad’s voice say “WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?!” I calmly replied “I’m taking a SHOWER!” And under my breath I added “Now go the fuck away.” I had done a lot of cussing that night. All under my breath, of course. I stepped into the shower, turned on the water and began the show. I sang and sang and sang. I sang along to every melody I could think of at that moment and tried to be as loud as I could. I didn’t care if I got in trouble, I didn’t care about anything, except for reading. Oh, and my mom. I loved my mom a lot the past week.
Even though both my parents were gone for the whole day until the evening, I still escaped outside, sat on my grandfather’s creaky rocking chair, and read Alice McKinley books by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor. I liked reading, but only books that were interesting. If they were, I could have probably finished 6 books in a day. These books were my lifesavers for a couple of days. I got so wrapped up in Alice’s life and problems that I didn’t even pay attention to my own. If Alice was upset and heartbroken, I was upset and heartbroken for her. If Alice was feeling happy, giddy and romantic, then I felt the same way too. It was really nice just to stop thinking about school and life and forgotten friends.
I always think of my cousins. Always. They’re back in Tustin and I’m here, wishing more than anything in the world that I could be in Tustin with them this very moment. I found out that my cousin Scott, who I had also lived with for 8 years, just moved back from Texas. He had lived there for 5 months with his mom, but then decided he wanted to go back to school here with his aunt, who he’s been living with his whole life. I miss them all so much; I just can’t help but cry sometimes. I wish I had someone to talk to about this. Someone who would lie down in bed across from me who I could just spill all of this to. I know I can tell my friends, but not all of them really understand how it is and I don’t want to sound whiny to them. I’ve heard soo many times that things change. And I hate hearing it. Okay, yea, things change and I know they have to, but I don’t want them to. And I don’t want somebody to just sit there and tell me that it’s going to be okay and that life will carry on and I’ll make new friends and love my new life. Maybe I will, but right now, I kinda hate it. I just want someone to talk to me and understand what I’m going through. I want to sit there and spill everything to someone and talk as long as I want [cause I can go on for hours] and I want to cry while I talk and have them comfort me and tell me some crazy amazing advice. I want a counselor. Not just a counselor. I want a friend. I want someone like my old middle school counselor, Ms. Tiffani. I want someone to ask me questions relevant to what I’m going through.
I don’t want people to tell me that I’m strong and that I can handle this cause I’m a big girl with a smart head cause I don’t even care about that. I just don’t want to go through this alone. If there’s one thing I hate more than snakes, it’s being alone. And I’m not talking about the kind of alone where you sit outside by yourself and everyone plays inside, I’m talking about the alone where you’re the only one in this world. That sounds dramatic, but what I mean is that I want someone THERE. There’s nobody HERE for me! I have my friends, but it’s been so long since I’ve seen them and they’re all going to the same high school together and here I am just alone and lonely and I haven’t talked to all of them in forever. I feel so abandoned. And it’s not their fault or anything, it’s just that time has pulled us apart and I’m afraid more than ever that not even our friendships could piece us together again.
I have to go to high school in a new area with people I don’t know and honestly, I’m scared. There’s nobody there with me on the first day of school. I can’t walk around and look for somebody I can link arms with while I look for my locker. I’m completely on my own and I know it. That’s why I feel abandoned. That’s why I feel alone. That’s why I’m crying. For the first time in a long time, I feel left out. I’m not saying I’ve always felt popular, I’m just saying I’ve always been around people I love and for the first time, they’re all going to be together in high school and I’m not.
I’ve never been the one who cries easily. If someone makes a mean comment about me, I blush and get mad, but I get over it. If I fall down hard and it hurts, I whine about it and then it get over it. But now that everything I’ve ever loved has been taken away from me, I can’t do anything but cry lately these days. Crying seems to be a habit. Something SO simple can make tears run down my face. The other day I was pissed off about losing my notebook and then I got an email from my cousin Kim who I’ve lived with for 8 years and it set off the waterworks. I bawled and sobbed and cried. I couldn’t stop and it was one of the most wonderful letters I’ve ever received. It’s probably because I PMS and I get moody and my emotions are a friggin roller coaster. Or maybe I’ve just been a huge mess ever since school was over.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
The SJS Story and The Bonfire
Okay so yesterday, I went to a bonfire with my old Magnet friends, which are the people who I've basically stuck with for three years through middle school. There's this guy. His name's Steven, and everyone's always thought that he was kinda "hot" but nobody ever really went for him cause he always had a girlfriend and stuff.
And knowing me, I've always been a sucker for white guys with gorgeous eyes, and a hot bod. And um, Mr. Steven had fit all of these categories. I've always said that Steven was "hot" but I always meant it in a joking way cause I knew that Steven was a big flirt and that he could be an arrogant jerk sometimes, so I never thought that I'd ever feel anything for him, nor did I really want to or care.
But then we were at the beach and I knew Steven was going to be there. So I thought to myself, okay, whatever, he's gonna take his shirt off and look hot. No big deal. But like I said, Mr. Steven was a flirt. And it just happens that on that day, he decides that he would flirt with me.
And so the SJS story begins.
There are these three little kids that are around the age of 7-9. Alexis, Adrian, and Daniel. Daniel is nine, super adorable, and he's Steven's brother. The little kids wanted to play at the playground near the pier, so I was put in charge to watch Daniel. Me, 2 of my best friends [Khadija and Zoya], Steven, and Keith took the three kids to the play ground.
Right before we left, Steven took his shirt off. So I was pretty much asdfghjkl. I'm gonna try not to gross you guys out here, but he was in black slim jeans, shoes, with a muscular bodaaay. The three of us girls, being girls, talked about how niceee his body looked. [And Keith, if you're reading this, we think you have pretty nice abs, too]
The girls were on the swings and the guys plus the two little boys were climbing up this eiffel tower thing. It had ropes and everything, so it was meant for climbing. We had no idea what Keith and Steven were doing, but they had climbed to the top, were facing each other, and were shaking the tower.
"I bet you they're gonna start kissing soon."
"No, I bet they're gonna start pole dancing or something"
"I just hope one of them falls off."
Haha, I love my girls!
But the sun was shining down in the most perfect spot on the guys and we were all kinda just asdfghjkl. They can be huge idiots, but hey, they're cute, right? Well, I thought Steven was, anyway. Me and Keith used to be best friends, so I couldn't really like him, you know?
Anyway, Keith and Steven got down from the tower and come over to the swing sets. Steven was attempting to climb up this slanted pole that held the swing set in place. On his second try, he'd made it and let me tell you, his arm muscles are prettyyy big. You know the bar on top that supports all the swings where the swings hang from? Well Steven was hanging from it. Literally right. Next. To. Me. So I was basically asdfghjklasdfghjklasdfghjklasdfghjklasdfghjklasdfghjklasdfghjkl at that point. But of course, I didn't show it on the outside. I was scared that he was gonna accidentally kick me, so I kept screaming don't kick me! But oh my gosh, his torso's um, jaw dropping?
Well there was this boat thing that you could climb on, so Me, Khadija, and Zoya climbed on it and just stared at the guys climb the eiffel tower again with the sun still shining down. And then I remembered that Alexis was still on the swings. So I volunteered to take her back cause I figured that she was pretty bored. Suddenly Steven said "No you can't leave, you have to stay."
I asked him why and he told me that I just can't. So he made up an excuse and said that I had to take care of Daniel, even though he and Keith were perfectly capable of taking care of one boy.
So I walked her back and then came back to the ship thing and found Steven, Keith, and Marty sitting up there. Zoya sat in the sand and Khadija and I sat on top away from the guys. They were tossing around the tennis ball and Daniel was trying to get it, but then Daniel came and sat next to me. Yay, I like him, he's cute. Steven told Zoya to give him back the tennis ball, but she wouldn't so he said that if she didn't he'd tackle her. We didn't think he'd actually do it but next thing you know, Steven was awkwardly crouching over her trying to get the tennis ball while Zoya was wilding kicking. Pretty funny, if you ask me. haha
Well we all had to go back to where the group was and then we all went down to the water. I was tossing around the football with Khadija and then I accidentally hit Zoya in the arm, so then I was also throwing it to Keith, purposefully trying to aim it at Zoya. And then Steven grabbed Zoya's phone and tossed it back and forth with Keith. It was pretty obvious that Steven was um, flirting with Zoya, but she looked awfully tired so I decided to help her get it back. After that, I sat down next to Chelsea in the sand. And I threw sand at Steven and he told me that if I threw said at him again, he'd pour some on my head. Not very threatened, I took a handful of sand a chucked it at him. And next thing I knew, there was sand all over my hair.
I was like ugh, you got sand down my back! And he said yea? Well you got sand down my pants! And I said, good. Maybe Keith can get it out for you. And he goes no, that's your job. So I was just kinda like um, awkwardd! I walked away and later, me, Zoya, Chelsea, Steven, Keith, and Marty were having a grape fight. Awfully funny, if I do say so myself.
Well then later, I needed to go to the bathroom and Steven was taking his little brother as well. Steven was still shirtless and I was still asdfghjkl, so I made Zoya come with me cause that picture of me, Steven, and his little brother looked EXTREMELY weird in my head. As we were all walking, Daniel very adorably in his nine year old voice says Hi Julie! And Steven says hey, stop taking my game! And I said excuse me? YOUR game? And Steven says yea, I got game. I think I was blushing. I don't really remember. But also a bit later, Steven was still bare chested so I told him to put a shirt on, but he said nah, I think I look better with it off.
So then when it got a bit darker, Chelsea looked really upset and so it brought the mood down for me and Zoya. Chelsea went to take a walk along the beach with some friends, so me and Zoya decided to do the same thing, but walk in a different area. As we were walking, Keith very nicely aimed a football at us, which I so amazingly blocked before it hit anyone. I picked it up and decided to hold onto it cause I didn't wanna be hit with it again. We continued walking and out of no where, Steven unexpectedly comes up and grabs my waist to stop me from walking and seizes the football out of my hands.
And knowing me, I've always been a sucker for white guys with gorgeous eyes, and a hot bod. And um, Mr. Steven had fit all of these categories. I've always said that Steven was "hot" but I always meant it in a joking way cause I knew that Steven was a big flirt and that he could be an arrogant jerk sometimes, so I never thought that I'd ever feel anything for him, nor did I really want to or care.
But then we were at the beach and I knew Steven was going to be there. So I thought to myself, okay, whatever, he's gonna take his shirt off and look hot. No big deal. But like I said, Mr. Steven was a flirt. And it just happens that on that day, he decides that he would flirt with me.
And so the SJS story begins.
There are these three little kids that are around the age of 7-9. Alexis, Adrian, and Daniel. Daniel is nine, super adorable, and he's Steven's brother. The little kids wanted to play at the playground near the pier, so I was put in charge to watch Daniel. Me, 2 of my best friends [Khadija and Zoya], Steven, and Keith took the three kids to the play ground.
Right before we left, Steven took his shirt off. So I was pretty much asdfghjkl. I'm gonna try not to gross you guys out here, but he was in black slim jeans, shoes, with a muscular bodaaay. The three of us girls, being girls, talked about how niceee his body looked. [And Keith, if you're reading this, we think you have pretty nice abs, too]
The girls were on the swings and the guys plus the two little boys were climbing up this eiffel tower thing. It had ropes and everything, so it was meant for climbing. We had no idea what Keith and Steven were doing, but they had climbed to the top, were facing each other, and were shaking the tower.
"I bet you they're gonna start kissing soon."
"No, I bet they're gonna start pole dancing or something"
"I just hope one of them falls off."
Haha, I love my girls!
But the sun was shining down in the most perfect spot on the guys and we were all kinda just asdfghjkl. They can be huge idiots, but hey, they're cute, right? Well, I thought Steven was, anyway. Me and Keith used to be best friends, so I couldn't really like him, you know?
Anyway, Keith and Steven got down from the tower and come over to the swing sets. Steven was attempting to climb up this slanted pole that held the swing set in place. On his second try, he'd made it and let me tell you, his arm muscles are prettyyy big. You know the bar on top that supports all the swings where the swings hang from? Well Steven was hanging from it. Literally right. Next. To. Me. So I was basically asdfghjklasdfghjklasdfghjklasdfghjklasdfghjklasdfghjklasdfghjkl at that point. But of course, I didn't show it on the outside. I was scared that he was gonna accidentally kick me, so I kept screaming don't kick me! But oh my gosh, his torso's um, jaw dropping?
Well there was this boat thing that you could climb on, so Me, Khadija, and Zoya climbed on it and just stared at the guys climb the eiffel tower again with the sun still shining down. And then I remembered that Alexis was still on the swings. So I volunteered to take her back cause I figured that she was pretty bored. Suddenly Steven said "No you can't leave, you have to stay."
I asked him why and he told me that I just can't. So he made up an excuse and said that I had to take care of Daniel, even though he and Keith were perfectly capable of taking care of one boy.
So I walked her back and then came back to the ship thing and found Steven, Keith, and Marty sitting up there. Zoya sat in the sand and Khadija and I sat on top away from the guys. They were tossing around the tennis ball and Daniel was trying to get it, but then Daniel came and sat next to me. Yay, I like him, he's cute. Steven told Zoya to give him back the tennis ball, but she wouldn't so he said that if she didn't he'd tackle her. We didn't think he'd actually do it but next thing you know, Steven was awkwardly crouching over her trying to get the tennis ball while Zoya was wilding kicking. Pretty funny, if you ask me. haha
Well we all had to go back to where the group was and then we all went down to the water. I was tossing around the football with Khadija and then I accidentally hit Zoya in the arm, so then I was also throwing it to Keith, purposefully trying to aim it at Zoya. And then Steven grabbed Zoya's phone and tossed it back and forth with Keith. It was pretty obvious that Steven was um, flirting with Zoya, but she looked awfully tired so I decided to help her get it back. After that, I sat down next to Chelsea in the sand. And I threw sand at Steven and he told me that if I threw said at him again, he'd pour some on my head. Not very threatened, I took a handful of sand a chucked it at him. And next thing I knew, there was sand all over my hair.
I was like ugh, you got sand down my back! And he said yea? Well you got sand down my pants! And I said, good. Maybe Keith can get it out for you. And he goes no, that's your job. So I was just kinda like um, awkwardd! I walked away and later, me, Zoya, Chelsea, Steven, Keith, and Marty were having a grape fight. Awfully funny, if I do say so myself.
Well then later, I needed to go to the bathroom and Steven was taking his little brother as well. Steven was still shirtless and I was still asdfghjkl, so I made Zoya come with me cause that picture of me, Steven, and his little brother looked EXTREMELY weird in my head. As we were all walking, Daniel very adorably in his nine year old voice says Hi Julie! And Steven says hey, stop taking my game! And I said excuse me? YOUR game? And Steven says yea, I got game. I think I was blushing. I don't really remember. But also a bit later, Steven was still bare chested so I told him to put a shirt on, but he said nah, I think I look better with it off.
So then when it got a bit darker, Chelsea looked really upset and so it brought the mood down for me and Zoya. Chelsea went to take a walk along the beach with some friends, so me and Zoya decided to do the same thing, but walk in a different area. As we were walking, Keith very nicely aimed a football at us, which I so amazingly blocked before it hit anyone. I picked it up and decided to hold onto it cause I didn't wanna be hit with it again. We continued walking and out of no where, Steven unexpectedly comes up and grabs my waist to stop me from walking and seizes the football out of my hands.
Once we had lit the fire, he FINALLY put a shirt on. And I said, oh hey, you finally put a shirt on. Then he says well, I can take it off if you want me to. In my head, I was like OKAY! But I just laughed and walked away. Then when everyone was leaving, I decided to say bye to him. So I came up to him and he said why're you wearing shoes? Confused, I looked down and he did the nose flick. And then I fell for it again. Haha. Well I gave him a hug, the one where I wrapped my arms around his waist and he wrapped his arms over my shoulders. I'm not gonna lie, it was nice. Mainly cause I don't ever hug guys. It lasted maybe, 5 seconds? And then me, Steven, and Marty started talking about their basketball team, since they're on the same team. I told him that he didn't have a 6 pack like he told me he did, but he told me to wait until basketball conditioning and he would have one. And then he had to leave, so he gave me a quick hug cause his mom was looking.
Alright, well I left the beach so freaking SMITTEN. I had caved. I didn't care that this guy was a major flirt. I was infatuated. I sat in the car listening to Hey Stephen by Taylor Swift on my iPod. And I put it on repeat. Oh my gosh, what the heck was I getting myself into?
Well today, I was talking to Steven for two hours on AIM. I was sort of scolding him for being a flirt cause he could really hurt girls' feelings by doing that. We just kept talking. On and on and on. Then I told him he had no abs. And he told me to shut the fuck up. Now if any other guy said this to me, I'd be sad and upset. But with Steven, I was more confident. I wasn't upset. I was MAD. And I stupidly said "And to think I was ACTUALLY slightly infatuated with you!" That caught his attention. "You were? Really?" I said yes and just told him to talk to me later when he was in a better mood. But he said "I'm not in a bad mood. And I was sort of slightly infatuated with you yesterday too"
Ugh, crap. WHY does he always have to make me melt when I was just beginning to not care? Well, he asked me if I was still infatuated with him right now. I said no. But that was a lie. I still kinda did like him. I asked him if he was still infatuated with ME. And he repeatedly said maybe. So I took it as a yes. And I told him that he was interested in a relationship, but with me, it was just an infatuation, so he's just going to get over me soon. And then he says, well if I begin to go out with this person that I'm infatuated with, then I won't stop liking her. Wooowie. He really did know how to charm a girl. Well, he asked me again if I was still infatuated with him. And I said no again and asked him why he asked me twice. He said that he wanted to be sure I wasn't lying. I asked him if he wanted me to be lying. He said maybe. I was on the verge of telling him that I lied and that I was still into him. But I didn't.
We started talking about this girl he talked to on myspace, but has never met. He proceeded by telling me that he was no longer infatuated with me and that he had in fact been infatuated with HER for a month and that he was thinking of asking her out while they hung out at his pool yesterday. Well great, I half felt relieved that he didn't like me cause that meant that I wouldn't have to fall for him since he's a flirt. And the other half of me just felt used. But whatever, he's a flirt and I'm not gonna go for a guy who can't even get his feelings straight.
Thanks for bearing with my story! If any of you are in this situation, I hope this helps you out somehow! And remember that a guy who will not dedicate his whole self to you is sooo not worth it! I got over him pretty quickly to my surprise. But then again, I only liked him for a day. haha. Okay, bye pretty girlies! Don't forget to smile! You're all beautiful!
xoXinfinity, Julie
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Starve. Binge. Purge.
Intro.
Hey, so I've had this topic on my mind for a while, so I think I'm just gonna write about these three topics. I might sound like a blabbering idiot, but just bear with me here as I try to organize my thoughts into statements that make sense. :)
Starve.
Alright so for those of you reading, [if there IS actually anyone who's interested in reading this] especially if you're girls, some of you MUST have felt self conscious about your bodies, right? And for the ones who have felt perfectly comfortable with their bodies, read on, and you'll know how the other girls feel.
As a kid, I've always been really thin to the point where you can see my ribs sticking out. Don't get me wrong, I ate! I loveddd food! Haha, but you know how when you grow up, puberty hits you and then you start getting taller and all that shiz. So I started putting on some weight during my 7th grade year and I didn't really think much of it, though I was beginning to become more conscious of my weight.
One of my really good friends had been starving herself cause she felt uncomfortable with her body. ALL of my friends including myself were extremely worried about her. We didn't want her to hurt herself and we definitely didn't want her to get sick. I thought it was a really dumb idea until I talked to her and she confided her eating and weight problems to me. She had dropped FORTY POUNDS. I thought to myself, wow, she dropped 40 pounds by not eating? Well at the time, I was about 108 pounds I think. I wasn't too worried about my weight, but I hated my little stomach bulge I would have when I wore tight Tshirts. So I said to myself, hey, if you just don't eat for the summer, maybe you can drop 8 pounds and get to 100. I tried starving myself, but it didn't work. That just lead to binging.
Binge.
I told myself that I wouldn't eat meals and that I would just eat crackers all day so that I won't get fatter from all the grease. Big big big mistake. I was super proud of myself for skipping meals during the day, but I was always hungry at night. My sister and I would always watch movies or TV at night and I wanted something to snack on. My mom bought a huuuge bag of Doritos for us so that was my midnight snack for the summer. I had some every single night. It was horrible. It was super good while I ate it, but once I stopped eating, I would feel like crap. Every night I told myself, okay, you need to stop eating cause you're just gonna get fatter than you already are. No matter what I told myself, I did the same thing the next night.
In 8th grade, I slowly and gradually began to gain more and more weight throughout the months. I hated my body. I had friends who had craaazy thin bodies and I envied them. I thought that they could probably get any guy they wanted cause they were so incredibly gorgeous. All my friends told me I had a good body and that I shouldn't worry about it. Their help got me through the days, but my family just tore me down again. "You got so fat, maybe you should stop eating." "Did you get bigger since the last time I'd seen you?"
I was so angry. So frustrate and irritated. WHY couldn't they understand that I got bigger because I was growing up?! I was so mad that I just ate my "comfort food". Yea, okay, like THAT helped. Comfort food helped me feel better, but once the feeling was over, I just felt like crap again. AND I felt even worse because I had just eaten. My family would tell me that I was fat, but I would just eat to prove to them that I didn't care about their snide remarks. But on the inside, I cared. I cared a lot. Cause I knew they were right. And I knew that it was my fault for binging. Well hell, if starving doesn't work and binging clearly just makes me fatter, why don't we just skip on down to the topic of purging?
Purge.
I know someone who used to purge. I also remembered that whenever I got sick and I threw up, I would lose a crazy lot of weight. Well maybe, if I just threw up a little, I would lose weight after having the taste and satisfaction of what I ate. My two cousins had gotten sick at one point and they were throwing up and not eating because they were too weak and tired to. So they both lost a large amount of weight. This will make me sound like a horrible person, but I was jealous of them. Why couldn't iiiii get sick so that I could throw up and not eat and get thinner? My two cousins were upset that they had lost so much weight, but in my head I was screaming "are you crazy?! I'd love to switch places with you! Here, take my health and give me your sickness so I can lose weight!!"
Boy oh boy was I stupid. Purging? Really? I was stupid, but not desperate enough to stick my fingers into my throat.
I knew that if I threw up, it would hurt my esophaus and my throat and my stomach. I knew that it wasn't worth it. I knew that if I went bullimic, I would most likely gain that weight plus more a lot easier than I had lost it. So I told myself I would never purge. I've always thought about it though. In the shower, I'd have my index finger stuck halfway in my mouth. But I'd get back to my senses and say Julie what the effffff are you doing? GO CONDITION YOUR HAIR.
Repeat?
For the brave ones who have read until now, I thank you. Haha. And you must be saying, this is titled starve, binge, purge, and she's gotten through all three topics. But alas, no. [Hehe, Dumbledore's rubbed off on me.] I'm not quite finished telling my tale of body issues and eating issues and insecurities. Sooo, read on! [If you're interested enough] :P
Starve. Again.
Just because I wasn't gonna purge didn't mean that I was comfortable with my body. I wasn't okay with it at all. I was in 8th grade and I had more self control now. Starving was EASY. I learned how to ignore the hunger pains, and soon enough, the hunger pains just went away. I hated when my family told me to go eat lunch or to eat dinner. They would tell me that I should eat less cause I would get fat. Then when I did eat less, they'd say what're you doing? Going on a diet? And I'd just ignore them and continue eating.
But really, inside my head was screaming, SHUT THE FUCK UP. YOU WANT ME TO STOP EATING, SO I DID. STOP FORCING ME TO EAT! YOU'RE THE ONES MAKING ME EAT AND YOU'RE THE ONES WHO ARE CALLING ME FAT. DON'T YOU KNOW THAT I HAVE FEELINGS AND MAYBE IT HURTS WHEN YOU SAY SHIT LIKE THAT? I'M A TEENAGER. I'M NOT FUCKING PERFECT. DON'T EXPECT ME TO BE. YOU VIET PEOPLE ALWAYS EXPECT THE BEST OUT OF YOUR KIDS AND JUST CAUSE WE CAN'T MEET EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR GAY ASS EXPECTATIONS DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD BASH ME AND CALL ME FAT. IF YOU WANT A SKINNY ASS CHILD, GO ADOPT ONE.
Yessss. I was mad. I was always upset when they said stuff like that. Every single damn family reunion or gathering was guaranteed to include "Julie you got fatter" comments. I hated it. On the outside, I'd just laugh it off, but I always held on to their comments. I remember every single thing they said. It hurt and I couldn't just pretend that it didn't. So basically I didn't eat anything until dinner, which was when we all had to eat as a family. It felt good to "be in control". It felt good to go the whole day without eating cause I felt like I'd accomplished something. It's called starving, but I never thought of it that way, cause I was never hungry. I'd just call it skipping meals.
It's not called starving if you DO eat when you get hungry, right?
Binge. Again.
I don't know if you've heard of Christa Black, but she's a violinist for the Jonas Brother's and my good friend Katie introduced her to me. She has a blog, christablack.blogspot.com
I was reading it and she talks about her life problems. She's had eating problems, anorexia, bullimia, binging, and sexual harrassment. Reading her blog has made me cry countless times. She's so inspiring and strong and I really look up to her. But something she wrote about made me think. She would often binge because she felt so horrible about her body, but she did it anyway and after she'd cram food down her throat, she'd cry herself to sleep. After hearing about her experiences with binging, I'm like scared to eat food.
Okay, not scared, but it's hard for me to tell the difference between when I'm "snacking" or actually binging. I've been thinking about it a lot lately trying to decide wheter this plate of watermelon is healthy snacking or if I'm totally just binging.
This afternoon I sat at the computer writing this blog with a tub of grapes, wondering if eating it was okay since grapes are healthy, or if I was binging cause I was eating so many of them. It's hard to tell and I don't wanna just stop snacking cause I lovee snacking, but I don't wanna keep going cause I might actually be eating too much and that's not goooood. But anyway, I've noticed that I eat a lot less and I'm rather satisfied with myself!
Purge. Again.
No way. No how. I am not ever ever ever gonna go bullimic! I seriously love my body too much to do that now. I haven't thought about purging until I began writing this blog, to be honest. So I'm really happy that throwing up is totally out of the picture for me. :)
End.
Holy craaap. The end?! YES. This is my laaast section! Well I've recently had an epiphany about how God gave us these bodies and we should love them no matter how they look and that we're ALL beautiful and even if we hate our bodies, God loves us. God has always always always loved us. I understand that now. And yes, I hate my body sometimes and I still look at other skinny girls and envy them, but I'm content with my body. I still don't eat breakfast or lunch cause honestly, I'm never hungry at those times. But the main reason I don't eat breakfast or lunch is cause I really, truly CANNOT wake up before noon. Hahaha
Well I've REALLY enjoyed writing this blog! I've wanted to for a while now and I've finally got it done. :) And wow, I cannot believe this took me 4 hours to type. I had to think about which words would sound good for me to write down aand I was internet multi-tasking too. haha
Alright, well don't forget that you're beautiful! All of you! I hope you enjoyed my blog and maybe could have gotten something out of it! :)
YOU'RE ALL BEAUTIFUL! <3
xoXinfinity,
Julie
Hey, so I've had this topic on my mind for a while, so I think I'm just gonna write about these three topics. I might sound like a blabbering idiot, but just bear with me here as I try to organize my thoughts into statements that make sense. :)
Starve.
Alright so for those of you reading, [if there IS actually anyone who's interested in reading this] especially if you're girls, some of you MUST have felt self conscious about your bodies, right? And for the ones who have felt perfectly comfortable with their bodies, read on, and you'll know how the other girls feel.
As a kid, I've always been really thin to the point where you can see my ribs sticking out. Don't get me wrong, I ate! I loveddd food! Haha, but you know how when you grow up, puberty hits you and then you start getting taller and all that shiz. So I started putting on some weight during my 7th grade year and I didn't really think much of it, though I was beginning to become more conscious of my weight.
One of my really good friends had been starving herself cause she felt uncomfortable with her body. ALL of my friends including myself were extremely worried about her. We didn't want her to hurt herself and we definitely didn't want her to get sick. I thought it was a really dumb idea until I talked to her and she confided her eating and weight problems to me. She had dropped FORTY POUNDS. I thought to myself, wow, she dropped 40 pounds by not eating? Well at the time, I was about 108 pounds I think. I wasn't too worried about my weight, but I hated my little stomach bulge I would have when I wore tight Tshirts. So I said to myself, hey, if you just don't eat for the summer, maybe you can drop 8 pounds and get to 100. I tried starving myself, but it didn't work. That just lead to binging.
Binge.
I told myself that I wouldn't eat meals and that I would just eat crackers all day so that I won't get fatter from all the grease. Big big big mistake. I was super proud of myself for skipping meals during the day, but I was always hungry at night. My sister and I would always watch movies or TV at night and I wanted something to snack on. My mom bought a huuuge bag of Doritos for us so that was my midnight snack for the summer. I had some every single night. It was horrible. It was super good while I ate it, but once I stopped eating, I would feel like crap. Every night I told myself, okay, you need to stop eating cause you're just gonna get fatter than you already are. No matter what I told myself, I did the same thing the next night.
In 8th grade, I slowly and gradually began to gain more and more weight throughout the months. I hated my body. I had friends who had craaazy thin bodies and I envied them. I thought that they could probably get any guy they wanted cause they were so incredibly gorgeous. All my friends told me I had a good body and that I shouldn't worry about it. Their help got me through the days, but my family just tore me down again. "You got so fat, maybe you should stop eating." "Did you get bigger since the last time I'd seen you?"
I was so angry. So frustrate and irritated. WHY couldn't they understand that I got bigger because I was growing up?! I was so mad that I just ate my "comfort food". Yea, okay, like THAT helped. Comfort food helped me feel better, but once the feeling was over, I just felt like crap again. AND I felt even worse because I had just eaten. My family would tell me that I was fat, but I would just eat to prove to them that I didn't care about their snide remarks. But on the inside, I cared. I cared a lot. Cause I knew they were right. And I knew that it was my fault for binging. Well hell, if starving doesn't work and binging clearly just makes me fatter, why don't we just skip on down to the topic of purging?
Purge.
I know someone who used to purge. I also remembered that whenever I got sick and I threw up, I would lose a crazy lot of weight. Well maybe, if I just threw up a little, I would lose weight after having the taste and satisfaction of what I ate. My two cousins had gotten sick at one point and they were throwing up and not eating because they were too weak and tired to. So they both lost a large amount of weight. This will make me sound like a horrible person, but I was jealous of them. Why couldn't iiiii get sick so that I could throw up and not eat and get thinner? My two cousins were upset that they had lost so much weight, but in my head I was screaming "are you crazy?! I'd love to switch places with you! Here, take my health and give me your sickness so I can lose weight!!"
Boy oh boy was I stupid. Purging? Really? I was stupid, but not desperate enough to stick my fingers into my throat.
I knew that if I threw up, it would hurt my esophaus and my throat and my stomach. I knew that it wasn't worth it. I knew that if I went bullimic, I would most likely gain that weight plus more a lot easier than I had lost it. So I told myself I would never purge. I've always thought about it though. In the shower, I'd have my index finger stuck halfway in my mouth. But I'd get back to my senses and say Julie what the effffff are you doing? GO CONDITION YOUR HAIR.
Repeat?
For the brave ones who have read until now, I thank you. Haha. And you must be saying, this is titled starve, binge, purge, and she's gotten through all three topics. But alas, no. [Hehe, Dumbledore's rubbed off on me.] I'm not quite finished telling my tale of body issues and eating issues and insecurities. Sooo, read on! [If you're interested enough] :P
Starve. Again.
Just because I wasn't gonna purge didn't mean that I was comfortable with my body. I wasn't okay with it at all. I was in 8th grade and I had more self control now. Starving was EASY. I learned how to ignore the hunger pains, and soon enough, the hunger pains just went away. I hated when my family told me to go eat lunch or to eat dinner. They would tell me that I should eat less cause I would get fat. Then when I did eat less, they'd say what're you doing? Going on a diet? And I'd just ignore them and continue eating.
But really, inside my head was screaming, SHUT THE FUCK UP. YOU WANT ME TO STOP EATING, SO I DID. STOP FORCING ME TO EAT! YOU'RE THE ONES MAKING ME EAT AND YOU'RE THE ONES WHO ARE CALLING ME FAT. DON'T YOU KNOW THAT I HAVE FEELINGS AND MAYBE IT HURTS WHEN YOU SAY SHIT LIKE THAT? I'M A TEENAGER. I'M NOT FUCKING PERFECT. DON'T EXPECT ME TO BE. YOU VIET PEOPLE ALWAYS EXPECT THE BEST OUT OF YOUR KIDS AND JUST CAUSE WE CAN'T MEET EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR GAY ASS EXPECTATIONS DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD BASH ME AND CALL ME FAT. IF YOU WANT A SKINNY ASS CHILD, GO ADOPT ONE.
Yessss. I was mad. I was always upset when they said stuff like that. Every single damn family reunion or gathering was guaranteed to include "Julie you got fatter" comments. I hated it. On the outside, I'd just laugh it off, but I always held on to their comments. I remember every single thing they said. It hurt and I couldn't just pretend that it didn't. So basically I didn't eat anything until dinner, which was when we all had to eat as a family. It felt good to "be in control". It felt good to go the whole day without eating cause I felt like I'd accomplished something. It's called starving, but I never thought of it that way, cause I was never hungry. I'd just call it skipping meals.
It's not called starving if you DO eat when you get hungry, right?
Binge. Again.
I don't know if you've heard of Christa Black, but she's a violinist for the Jonas Brother's and my good friend Katie introduced her to me. She has a blog, christablack.blogspot.com
I was reading it and she talks about her life problems. She's had eating problems, anorexia, bullimia, binging, and sexual harrassment. Reading her blog has made me cry countless times. She's so inspiring and strong and I really look up to her. But something she wrote about made me think. She would often binge because she felt so horrible about her body, but she did it anyway and after she'd cram food down her throat, she'd cry herself to sleep. After hearing about her experiences with binging, I'm like scared to eat food.
Okay, not scared, but it's hard for me to tell the difference between when I'm "snacking" or actually binging. I've been thinking about it a lot lately trying to decide wheter this plate of watermelon is healthy snacking or if I'm totally just binging.
This afternoon I sat at the computer writing this blog with a tub of grapes, wondering if eating it was okay since grapes are healthy, or if I was binging cause I was eating so many of them. It's hard to tell and I don't wanna just stop snacking cause I lovee snacking, but I don't wanna keep going cause I might actually be eating too much and that's not goooood. But anyway, I've noticed that I eat a lot less and I'm rather satisfied with myself!
Purge. Again.
No way. No how. I am not ever ever ever gonna go bullimic! I seriously love my body too much to do that now. I haven't thought about purging until I began writing this blog, to be honest. So I'm really happy that throwing up is totally out of the picture for me. :)
End.
Holy craaap. The end?! YES. This is my laaast section! Well I've recently had an epiphany about how God gave us these bodies and we should love them no matter how they look and that we're ALL beautiful and even if we hate our bodies, God loves us. God has always always always loved us. I understand that now. And yes, I hate my body sometimes and I still look at other skinny girls and envy them, but I'm content with my body. I still don't eat breakfast or lunch cause honestly, I'm never hungry at those times. But the main reason I don't eat breakfast or lunch is cause I really, truly CANNOT wake up before noon. Hahaha
Well I've REALLY enjoyed writing this blog! I've wanted to for a while now and I've finally got it done. :) And wow, I cannot believe this took me 4 hours to type. I had to think about which words would sound good for me to write down aand I was internet multi-tasking too. haha
Alright, well don't forget that you're beautiful! All of you! I hope you enjoyed my blog and maybe could have gotten something out of it! :)
YOU'RE ALL BEAUTIFUL! <3
xoXinfinity,
Julie
Saturday, August 1, 2009
First Post
My name's Julie. I'm not gonna explain who I am, because I hope I can do that along the way while I blog about myself, my life, and my surroundings. I know, cheesy, right? hah
Anyway, this is my first post and I guess I'll begin by sharing why I have a blogspot.
I started a LiveJournal a while back so that my friends and I could keep in touch and update each other with what was going on in our lives. There was a small controversy and some of my friend's parents found all of our LiveJournals and read them. They were unhappy at what we were blogging because in some cases, there was mild cussing or drama. So my friends had to delete their LiveJournals and the rest of us had to watch what we said or private all of our posts in case some other parents would unhappily stumble upon our posts. Oh yes, I forgot to mention, our teacher found our blogs too. Great. Wonderful.
At this point, we were all posting, shall I say, nice and polite blogs. None of us were REALLY writing what we wanted, at least I don't think we were?
We all tried to avoid saying something that would stir drama or cause any commotion. I mean, that was good, right? Writing about our days with laughs, smiles, and happy faces? Yea, I suppose so. But that's not me. I don't like holding back when I write. For me, when I make a blog, I want to write everything. Describe everything. Tell exactly how I'm feeling and write it however I want to. And on LiveJournal, with the risk of parental or teacheral supervision, I felt uncomfortable. I couldn't write a cuss word without feeling scared that I would be scolded or talked to by someone.
If I get mad on here, I'm sorry if I say something like "I DON'T WANNA FUCKING MOVE."
Yea, I'm moving today, but I'll write about that later.
I have no idea if my friends will find this blog, and I don't mind if they do, but I'm just going to let alllll of my emotions out on here. I think it'll really help me write better as a writer [as I consider myself]
I have a lot of opinions and thoughts on life and on love and on emotions and on other's opinions and whatnot. I'll randomly write and elaborate on those when I'm un-lazy enough.
It's 5:30 and I have to ready for church by 6:15, so gotta go shower!
Byeee!
Loooove xinfinity [times infinity],
Julie
Anyway, this is my first post and I guess I'll begin by sharing why I have a blogspot.
I started a LiveJournal a while back so that my friends and I could keep in touch and update each other with what was going on in our lives. There was a small controversy and some of my friend's parents found all of our LiveJournals and read them. They were unhappy at what we were blogging because in some cases, there was mild cussing or drama. So my friends had to delete their LiveJournals and the rest of us had to watch what we said or private all of our posts in case some other parents would unhappily stumble upon our posts. Oh yes, I forgot to mention, our teacher found our blogs too. Great. Wonderful.
At this point, we were all posting, shall I say, nice and polite blogs. None of us were REALLY writing what we wanted, at least I don't think we were?
We all tried to avoid saying something that would stir drama or cause any commotion. I mean, that was good, right? Writing about our days with laughs, smiles, and happy faces? Yea, I suppose so. But that's not me. I don't like holding back when I write. For me, when I make a blog, I want to write everything. Describe everything. Tell exactly how I'm feeling and write it however I want to. And on LiveJournal, with the risk of parental or teacheral supervision, I felt uncomfortable. I couldn't write a cuss word without feeling scared that I would be scolded or talked to by someone.
If I get mad on here, I'm sorry if I say something like "I DON'T WANNA FUCKING MOVE."
Yea, I'm moving today, but I'll write about that later.
I have no idea if my friends will find this blog, and I don't mind if they do, but I'm just going to let alllll of my emotions out on here. I think it'll really help me write better as a writer [as I consider myself]
I have a lot of opinions and thoughts on life and on love and on emotions and on other's opinions and whatnot. I'll randomly write and elaborate on those when I'm un-lazy enough.
It's 5:30 and I have to ready for church by 6:15, so gotta go shower!
Byeee!
Loooove xinfinity [times infinity],
Julie
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