Farewell Beloved Blog

I suppose it is rather late to be writing this now, but I would like to say goodbye to this blog. It's titled "It's Your Freshman Year" and I don't really have the heart to change it to something Sophomore-ish. Everything I've written in this blog had to do with my freshman year and everything that had to do with my 8th grade year resides in my Livejournal. So in a way it's kinda cool that each grade gets its own blog. I can't even begin to say how much I loved blogging on here. It was my go-to ranter and I just felt so amazing after writing a post. I honestly miss it so so much. But when you have school and so much homework, there's only so much time you can invest into writing. I felt like I had writer's block for THE longest time, I still do sometimes. I just felt like I couldn't write anymore, like every ounce of meaning and creativity inside me shut down and left me. It was truly an awful feeling, but I didn't think too much about it cause it really wasn't that important. I do wonder though if I can ever write again like I used to. Aha don't I sound ridiculous..I'm acting as if I lost a limb or something. Over the summer I kept a journal and updated it every. single. day. It was SO amazing; I felt like me again! I couldn't believe that I actually had the will power to stay up at 5 in the morning just to write in my journal before I fell asleep. Well, I guess that could be explained by the fact that I wrote about someone in my journal, so that person was kind of a motivation. Sometimes I wish I could rant on my Tumblr, but it's too public and I don't want to seem like an annoying, whiny bitch. I just let things out through quote pictures, songs, and quotes. It bothers me when people talk about their problems on Tumblr, so I don't. And I don't update about personal things on Twitter either since I don't want my friends to always text me and say "What's wrong?" I guess I'm just more of a personal venter. Ha ha yea I know that ranting on Blogspot isn't too personal, but not that many people follow me anyway, so I'm good. I think perhaps that I will start up a side blog on here, yes? It sounds perfect for when I want to just randomly blurt out something whether it be short or long. And I won't hold back since not many people are gonna find it. Oh dang I'm excited now! Anyhow, goodbye Freshman blog. You've served me justice and provided me a beautiful canvas. I can only hope that the words I've splattered on here were good enough. ♥

My Dear Precious Laptop / Summer Updates

I usually write my blog entries on my laptop and then copy and paste them onto BlogSpot, but the charger isn't working, so my laptop's dead. ='( Hopefully we can order a new charger and my laptop will be up & running cause I have SO much important crap on there..irreplacable pictures, months worth of blogging, MY FREAKING ITUNES. T__T If the charger is the only problem, then in a way, I'm glad that I don't have access to it at the moment cause I'd rather not sleep at 5am every night and wake up at 5pm every afternoon. My sleep schedule is actually somewhat reasonable (2/3am - 12/1pm).
Summer so far has been treating me well! I can't believe it's only been one week since I've gotten out of school. School seems like it ended ages ago...but that's probably cause I'm aiming for a more eventful summer than last year. So far, I've
-hung out with friends
-played ping pong
-just talked about whatevs
-sat in the jacuzzi
-played "Tea Pong"
-walked to Coldstone
-pool hangout/swimming
-beach
-bike riding
-watched movies
-hung out with cousins
-chilled at church
There's SO much more that I have planned, I'm so excited! I've made it my goal to ride my bike every single day over the summer and so far, I've stuck to it! It's not just to tone my nasty, nasty thighs, but it's so that I'm not sitting in front of the computerfor hours and hours on end. I wish I could go to the library and check out books too! I miss reading, to be honest. I really should be sleeping, but I don't have anything to wake up early for, so screw it. I'm going to Bao's graduation, but that's at like 7..
I'M SO TIRED NOW, I'm going to bed, I don't even know if i wanna shower before I sleep? Probably not; too lazy, I'll just shower in the morning.
Sorry this is such a boring post =/ I'm currently working on another post, and I'm sure this one will be better!

Study, Social, Summer

Finals week is coming up. God I’m so nervous… I have an 84% in math right now and on Friday I took my math test, which I’m sure I did a real shitty job on. I’m guess I’m pretty nervous for about everything. I have a 94% in English, which I was not expecting. I don’t even know how I let myself slip 3%. It’s okay though, I pretty thoroughly understand Romeo and Juliet and my book report will be kick ass so I think I’ll be fine. I’m hardly worried about Bio cause I have a 97% and it’s not a cumulative test, but we just presented out HUGE projects, so I don’t know how much my grade will be dropped by that…
Anyhow, I’ve been hanging out with my friends more. I love getting out of the house and just going to someone’s house or going shopping. I hate sitting at home on the computer destroying my eyes or lazing around binging like there’s no tomorrow. I want to go swimming a lot this summer! This summer I’m actually going to try like crazy to exercise and get my body back in shape. I need to. Especially if I want to try out for volleyball. Can’t show up looking like a fat blob now, can I? Oh, I got a bike! I’m SO excited! It’s a 26” wheel Ladies’ Huffy Cranbrook Cruiser. It’s mint green and it’s absolutely perfect to me. :D
Today was the last day to go to the Summer Festival at Mile Square Park, but none of my friends wanted to go with me or they were going with other people, so whatevs. I hung out with Emily and Gabby on Friday though; it was so fun! We biked to the shopping center and looked around I got a new pair of sunglasses and Gabby got a dress and Emily figured out what she was wearing to her awards thing! Then we went back to Emily's house, had dinner, and hopped into the jacuzzi for over 3 hours :)
As much as I'd love to include crushes and summer plans and etc, I have to finish my stupid book report due Tuesday, so I can't write much more. Wish me luck! I'm gonna need it.. =/

I Don't Even Know

What the hell this was. It was confusing and annoying and it doesn't make sense.

So apparently, people don’t like talking to me or hanging out with me because I “sound too smart” and “act too mature”. Does that make me boring or something? The fact that I use more complex vocabulary than others and that I enjoy discussing more serious topics than parties, drinking, boys, and shopping? It makes me sad to see people talk about things like this partially because I don’t very many people who would want to talk to me. GOD, I WISH I WAS INTERESTING.

You know what, I don’t even know what I want to blog about right now. I just miss writing so much because it’s always been something I could do, although I’ve been neglecting it for the past few months. I’m scared that every time I write, I’m going to get writer’s block and then become discouraged and disappointed with myself.
I don’t know how I feel right now. It’s not like the “I’m depressed and numb” feeling, it’s just..I don’t even know. I don’t know if I’m happy with myself or if I’m disappointed or anything. I just feel kind of empty and emotionless. Like my chest is too tight and my heart can’t beat properly. I don’t even know why. I feel like my life has no meaning to it, like I’m not supposed to do anything. While everyone else is out there making plans and hanging out and doing stuff, I’m just sitting here at home like I do every single week. I guess I know that if anything, I have to do something about it, but God, it’s not that easy. I can’t just waltz up to someone and be like “Hey, wanna hang out?” I don’t know if it’s gonna be awkward or anything. Just. Ugh. I’m so unhappy with myself right now. I thought I was a sociable, outgoing person. Instead, I’m just kind of stuck here not doing anything with my life, not ever trying. What’s wrong with me? I don’t really get invited anywhere. And I’ve hung out with my friends a couple times, but it’s because we had a project to work on. And everyone already has their friends from middle school and all this other stuff and it’s just. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I can’t just get in the middle and pretend that I fit in and belong because I don’t. I already know that. I’ve never been faced with this personal issue before. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do about it. God. I’m so exhausted but I don’t want to sleep. Nevermind. I just fell asleep for 10 minutes, maybe I am tired. Ugh, I don’t even know where this outburst of empty emotions is coming from. It’s just how I FEEL, but I can’t explain any of it…

The Rain

I don't even care that this isn't a blog entry. It's just some writing I did. I'm probably going to be posting things that I just write. Since it's become rather difficult to write about myself. Which makes no sense, but enjoy.

I’m lying on my bed and I’ve accepted that no matter how hard I try, I’m not going to fall back asleep, so I open my eyes and take in the surroundings of my room. This is the only place I feel completely comfortable and even now, it looks empty. The blank walls stare back at me in a mocking manner, somehow reflecting how I feel on the inside. It’s dark outside and I can hear a soft pitter patter against the cement ground. I pull up the blinds and stare at the world before me- world meaning my backyard. The light rain decorates the bright green grass with dew and eases its way through the slick leaves. I never understood why rain was so comforting to others, but now I knew. Rain helped me feel as if the world was at peace. It was calming, soothing, and refreshing. I just sat there, drinking in the steady downfall until it came down harder, in noticeably larger droplets. My eyes began to feel heavy and my brain began to return to its state of numbness. With a short prayer that I would be able to sleep through the rest of the morning, I flipped the blinds shut, laid back down, and willed unconsciousness to take over.

Single Life

Today we went to the beach and just hung out. Played volleyball and made S’mores and asked each other out and etc. I wasn’t really into volleyball today for some reason though. Maybe cause Tom hates me or because I just don’t work well on the sand. But ugh I’m sore and I feel like an old lady! I kinda wish there were more people and I wish we did more stuff there. I also wish that I could have walked on the beach by myself; that would have been amazing thinking time for me. Oh well, maybe next time.

The single life…It’s, well, single. Several people have asked me why I don’t go out there and get a boyfriend. BACK IT UP. Okay, how the hell do you go “get” a boyfriend. You’re making it sound as if I’m supposed to drive out to Stater Boys and choose one for thirteen bucks. It’s not that easy and I apologize that I have not found “true love” as you and your significant other (of uh what, 8 months?) have. Alright someone enlighten me: what is so wonderful about being in a relationship? Besides the feelings and the lovey dove BLAH ness, what else is there? I mean I don’t know about you, but whenever I think about relationships, I begin to think about stress. Are you acting stupid? Do you look okay? Are you saying the right things? People worry about all of this stuff once they get into a relationship and I just don’t get it…It’s not supposed to be that way. You’re not supposed to be fretting about all the little details, you’re just supposed to be together. Maybe for others it’s different, but that’s how I feel. If I ever have a boyfriend, I’d want to feel completely comfortable around him. I wouldn’t want to worry about perfectly structuring every sentence before it utters from my mouth. I’d just want to be able to speak my mind around him and talk to him like a best friend and not worry about when he’s going to kiss me and just freaking let it happen. I guess some people like doing things like freak out and overanalyze everything about their relationship, so maybe that’s why it works out for them. Maybe it’s because what I want is expecting “too much” from someone. Maybe it’s plain and simple: nobody likes me. Maybe it’s because I’m a goody goody two shoes. Maybe it’s because I push away anyone who might be slightly interested in me. Maybe there is no guy like that who exists. Or MAYBE, it’s because I’m just waiting for the one who will prove me wrong.

Oh and for the record, I am perfectly happy being single. I don't have to fret or worry about anything. Maybe I'll be like one of those people who doesn't find anybody until they're like 40 or something. Yea, or I'll just die single. Oh maybe one day I'll eat my words and be swept away by somebody. Someday. Maybe.

My sleeping habits are becoming absolutely terrible! It’s 430 and I haven’t gone to bed yet.. This past week, I’ve been going to sleep past 3. What the heck am I going to do when school rolls around. I’ve already been thinking about homework. Maybe I won’t do the bio extra credit if I run out of time. Dangit, school… It just creeps back into your life again, doesn’t it? But it’s okay, only 10 weeks / 2 and a half months left til I’m OUT of school! Then it’s 2 and a half months of going out and doing everything. Once again, I’m sorry my blog entries are getting worse and worse. On that note, I’m going to go to bed.

Perfect?

So this morning we had a cousin day and we all went out to eat at Red Robin. It was really good and really fun and then when we got back, we were playing on the Wii until Kim had to go and Jeffrey had to go to school. There was hardly any tension and it felt great because it was just like old times. But it wasn’t. I knew that we could smile and laugh all we wanted and that everything will seem okay because that’s how the picture was painted, but truthfully, everyone is far and distant and preoccupied. Nobody had to say it; I could just see it in their eyes. No matter what’s happening and whoever did what, we’re still all family and that’s what’s important. Even if someone did something and screwed up big time, we’re still supposed to be there and support each other.

It makes me so sad when you have someone you used to be able to talk to for hours on end. And then suddenly they’re gone and you’re gone and you can’t even figure out what the hell happened. Really, what did happen? Did I upset you? Are you too busy? I’m sorry, I want to fix whatever I did so that we could be on the same page again, but I don’t know what I’m supposed to say. Maybe that’s the problem.. Maybe the issue isn’t that we’ve drifted, but that it’s because I’m the one who isn’t trying to talk to you. I’ll try one day and we’ll see how it goes.
PERFECT…have you ever been called that word? Have you ever used that word to describe another human being? There’s just something about calling someone “prefect” that gets SO much on my nerves. I mean sure, I understand that you care about and like someone so much that their flaws are flawless to you, but do you really have to use perfect?

Again, another short post. My apologies. I just really really cannot write anything; I would start and then get distracted and then just slop this together. I'm honestly not proud of it at all, but I'd rather post it than not. Maybe one day when I finally figure out why I'm blogging or what I need to blog about (cause I know there's something, I just can't put my finger on it), it'll be good.

Distracted

Well talk about hectic…I know I haven’t blogged in a really really long time, but that’s cause I now like to express myself through quotes, music, and pictures on Tumblr. But today I felt the need to blog and type. Let me just warn you that I’m going to be jumping from subject to subject since my mind’s thinking about a million different things right now. The familiarity of the keyboard tap tap tapping under my fingers is enough to keep me awake long enough to write this.

I don’t know why everything changes or why people make the decisions they do; maybe it’s because they acted on the moment and didn’t think before they did it. Or maybe they were just tired of what’s been going on and decided to take a risk for once. Unfortunately, all risks either end up being the best thing you ever did or the one thing that effs up your life.

You know what I love? Things that are constant, things that don’t change because that’s seriously number one on my most hated words list. Change. I love the things that will forever be under-appreciated. People will always think of these things as unimportant, but to me, they’ll always be crucial to life. Like reading a book or watching a movie while the rain steadily pitter-patters outside the window. Or writing in your journal endlessly while the song that fits your mood perfectly plays in the background. These are the things that stay the same even if other things don’t. Especially friends. I feel like those are the things in life that change the most; it doesn’t matter if you’ve been friends for the longest time or if you never would have expected it to come, but everybody changes and all that change affects friendships.

Urgh, sorry this post is so short and so unlike me. My mind was just on a lot of different things and I was talking to a bunch of different people. Maybe next time. My blog should no longer be deprived of posts, no matter how short or crappy they are. :)

Nobody Understood

Firstly, Happy Birthday Taylor Lautner! <3>

All my life I’ve been a pretty open person, which may be a good thing or a bad thing. Whichever it was, I was still open. I trusted people easily and in turn, they trusted me back. I don’t know if it’s some aura I have, but some people tell me their secrets pretty easily. That’s how I was, but with A LOT of people. If I liked this guy, I would tell my friend who I barely knew. I was just like that. But I didn’t do it in a bad way or anything, if someone told me their secret, I kept it.

So all of this “I’m open and I trust people easily” thing just totally changed in high school. At first I WAS pretty open with most people; I told them things about myself that I most likely wouldn’t tell them if I had a chance to take it back. There are several people who I could tell things to, but I learned that most people don’t give a shit about your feelings and only endure your talking in hopes of getting something juicy out of it so they can repeat it to other people. I was sharing myself with other people, whether they cared or wanted to know, I was telling them anyway. But today I finally concluded that I can’t trust anybody, I began to close myself in from others. I was more wary, more cautious, and I learned how to choose my words even more carefully when talking to people. I wanted somebody there for me SO badly that I just threw myself out there and hoped that somebody would reel me in and hold me and tell that it was okay to feel like this. But nobody did. Nobody understood me. Nobody wanted to understand me. I was just that ‘nice’ and ‘smart’ girl who moved over the summer. Nobody came up to me and said “Hey Julie, you’re looking down today. Wanna talk about it?” Nobody said that. Seven months gone by and nothing. I didn’t even care if I didn’t have a best friend; I just wanted someone who would be there. But nobody was, not emotionally anyway. So because I had this all bottled up inside, I couldn’t take it and I had to tell somebody, but I found out that telling this person was a mistake. I didn’t know her that well and I learned that she didn’t even like me that much. So much for opening up to people, right?

My high school life isn’t sad and depressing all the time. It’s actually pretty good on most days, but those crappy days just build up and get stored up and they’ll come out on days that are going perfectly fine. Which sucks. But the thing that always phases me is that I come to school praying that my day will turn out good. In middle school I always KNEW school would be good, I knew that one way or another, I would enjoy some part of it. At FV, it’s always unpredictable. I feel like the only way I can have a good day is if I EXPECT it to completely suck ass and then when it doesn’t, I feel a little better. Isn’t that pathetic? Isn’t it sad that I have to do that in order to fulfill my day’s happiness? And another thing, I don’t want people to pity me. I don’t want their pity. I don’t want people to talk to me just cause they feel sorry for me.

Well enough about Fountain Valley. I’m sick of the place and some of the people already. Man, I wish how things used to me. I miss everything. If I could turn back time, I would relive my 8th grade year and do everything the right way, I wouldn’t let stupid things get in the way of what should have happened. I wouldn’t hold back on talking to Ben, I wouldn’t let some awkwardness get between anyone’s friendship with me. I think I’ve finally learned my lesson with appreciating what I have. I should’ve been more grateful for 8th grade and I should’ve savored absolutely everything that I went through that year. But I was naïve and I wanted it to fly by super fast for high school. Boy was I insanely stupid. I’d do anything to relive a couple days in 8th grade again. Those days were just…they were everything to me. It sounds stupid and I should let go of 8th grade cause it was last year, but you don’t understand. Then again, a lot of people have a hard time wanting or even trying to understand me this year.

Ugh, I was supposed to go to sleep early today! Mother trucker. Blogging got me carried away =( It's now 2am which is hella late and I'm gonna be hella tired in the morning. Well goodnight and here's to praying that tomorrow's going to be a good day. Sorry if my blog writing sucks. Didn't really feel like making it sound profound at all. Just ranted. OH, and I have other tidbits that I jot down in my journal every day. I'll probably post those up everyday, or try to. I wanna try something new. Or maybe I'll just post those on my tumblr. Who knows. Goodnight, love all.

http://julielinh.tumblr.com/
http://formspring.me/julielinh

"Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with everything they have"

God God God

Camp was over the weekend and it was super duper oober cold, but it was still pretty fun. Didn't run into too many ABGs, so I'm happy about that. For some reason, this camp was really inspiring to me. I mean it didn't make me want to go all hardcore Catholic, but it really made me think about who I was and why I believe in my faith and everything. It made me realize that God made me for who I am and I am all good and because he made me after himself. God doesn't make junk. We watched this video about how we are all God's original masterpieces. It was amazing. I could relate so well to that video and it made me cry tears of sadness and happiness. Sad, because I'm not as good of a person as I should be. Happy, because I finally got the answers from God that I was looking for.

You have a lot of anger. Some pride. Compare yourself to others instead of Me. You're lazy, but you pretend like you're really really busy. You have a problem with lust. You've been holding on to this for a long time. Are you ready for this?

"It hurts."

It hurts me more than it hurts you.

"I don't think you understand this pain."

Don't talk to me about pain, I know all about pain. I sent my son to die on the cross for paying for sin, but I also did it for another reason. To give you freedom. Do you know what insanity is? Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over again and expecting different results and there are things in your life that you've been doing that do not work in your life, but you go to these empty wells whenever you're hurting, whenever you're angry, whenever you're lonely and tired, but they do not work.

"Okay well look, I can't be good."

You can't be good? I made you good. Be good.

"Ughh"

What is it?

"You wouldn't understand.

I, God of all the universe wouldn't understand something one of my children wants to say. Try me.

"It's just, God, I let you down so many times."

No. You are never holding me up. I hold you up with my victorious righteous right hand and don't you forget that. In this relationship I hold you up.

"Okay. Chisel away. Just..just be prepared for what you're going to find in there. Cause I know who's inside there. Cause God, I get up every morning and I look at him in the mirror and it is this scared little kid who gets up everyday and tries to dress like an adult and act like and adult, but can't. So just be prepared for what you're gonna find in there."

You have listened to so many voices for far too long that aren't out of me. You think you're junk, don't you. You really really really think you're junk. Listen to me. I don't make junk. What does that say about me? How can I show you that my love for you has no boundaries?

"Dear God, I am turning everything over to you. I'm not going to hold onto anything anymore. Your word says that you will make me your masterpiece and use me to do great things. I don't see how that's possible, but I want that with all that I am. So please do whatever it takes to make me what you want. I love you God."

That's just some parts of it that I really liked. Here's the full video . It's seriously so touching and such an eye opener.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=NRzltLYy9xk

Sorry this isn't much of a personal blog, but I felt the need to blog about this. Maybe I'll talk about boys and friends and school another day. But it's 1230am and I'm gonna head to bed. Goodnight, and God bless.