I Don't Even Know

What the hell this was. It was confusing and annoying and it doesn't make sense.

So apparently, people don’t like talking to me or hanging out with me because I “sound too smart” and “act too mature”. Does that make me boring or something? The fact that I use more complex vocabulary than others and that I enjoy discussing more serious topics than parties, drinking, boys, and shopping? It makes me sad to see people talk about things like this partially because I don’t very many people who would want to talk to me. GOD, I WISH I WAS INTERESTING.

You know what, I don’t even know what I want to blog about right now. I just miss writing so much because it’s always been something I could do, although I’ve been neglecting it for the past few months. I’m scared that every time I write, I’m going to get writer’s block and then become discouraged and disappointed with myself.
I don’t know how I feel right now. It’s not like the “I’m depressed and numb” feeling, it’s just..I don’t even know. I don’t know if I’m happy with myself or if I’m disappointed or anything. I just feel kind of empty and emotionless. Like my chest is too tight and my heart can’t beat properly. I don’t even know why. I feel like my life has no meaning to it, like I’m not supposed to do anything. While everyone else is out there making plans and hanging out and doing stuff, I’m just sitting here at home like I do every single week. I guess I know that if anything, I have to do something about it, but God, it’s not that easy. I can’t just waltz up to someone and be like “Hey, wanna hang out?” I don’t know if it’s gonna be awkward or anything. Just. Ugh. I’m so unhappy with myself right now. I thought I was a sociable, outgoing person. Instead, I’m just kind of stuck here not doing anything with my life, not ever trying. What’s wrong with me? I don’t really get invited anywhere. And I’ve hung out with my friends a couple times, but it’s because we had a project to work on. And everyone already has their friends from middle school and all this other stuff and it’s just. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I can’t just get in the middle and pretend that I fit in and belong because I don’t. I already know that. I’ve never been faced with this personal issue before. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do about it. God. I’m so exhausted but I don’t want to sleep. Nevermind. I just fell asleep for 10 minutes, maybe I am tired. Ugh, I don’t even know where this outburst of empty emotions is coming from. It’s just how I FEEL, but I can’t explain any of it…