The previous post was really extremely, awfully random. I was up at like 2 am last night talking to someone and I decided to blog. It was 2 am, I wasn't thinking, I just let my fingers hit the keyboard and BAM, that story came out. Now most you can you look at it and know immediately who I'm talking about, so let me just tell you that I don't know why that came out. I'm not having issues about it or anything, it just...yea.
SO, MOVING ALONG,
We all grow up. We're all still growing up. And I know that, but sometimes, I just want everything to stop so that I'll never have to grow up. Because growing up means that you have more responsibilities and you WILL have more problems that are probably 10x more fucked up than the ones that you have now. And if you think about it, your problems probably seem like a brush off the shoulder to an adult. Cause when you're an adult, you don't get second chances. When you screw up, what's done is done. You don't get a piece of paper that says you get 5 points extra credit for each little square you turn in at the end of the quarter. No, life's not like that. That's why you have to decide everything so carefully. You can't just be like oh whatever, who cares if I screw up now, I can just make up for it later. NO, you CAN'T make it up later. The thing is that people are so ignorant and they think that they're so good at getting by in high school and everything is so easy that they won't have to work hard when it comes to life. But that's really not the case. If you blow everything off right now, when in hell are you going to begin to take life seriously? Maybe those people who don't take life seriously haven't grown up yet. They're just little kids who mess up everything and expect other people to fix it just like they did when they were younger.
Well, I'm not like that. I've taken life seriously everyday for ALMOST my whole life [you gotta be a kid SOME time, right?]. I've never said to myself "well, I don't have to work hard on this project cause I can just do better later and make up for it". I'm definitely not like that. And that's why I'm so scared to grow up, cause I ALREADY know I'm growing up and it's not all that comforting. And I know it sounds so childish to say this, but I don't want to grow up cause I just DON'T want to handle it. But I mean, can you blame me? Yea, life can be good, but sometimes it's a bitch. No actually, life is a constant pain-inflicting, headache-giving, stressing mother fucker. That's what it is for a lot of people out there and sometimes I just don't want to be one of those people. A lot of my friends want to grow up as soon as possible so they can drive and have a boyfriend and go to college and get out of the house, but all that just seems so.. stressful. And I KNOOOOW that you need to grow up and experience all this because that's how life is. I don't need anyone telling me that, but that's not the point of this entry right now. Maybe later when I have some weird epiphany, I'll write an entry about how wonderful life is and how I wanna grow up, but not right now. Not this blog. Not today.
Today, I'm writing about how I'm terrified of facing the world. Why would I ever want to grow up and go to college? That just means that I have to get a job and I have to pay for college and there's more drifting amongst friends. When I get married I'm inevitably going to have marital problems and if I have kids, they're going to be a pain in the ass. Why would I want that? I can't even kiss someone for God's sake. Why? Because it's part of growing up. And I don't want to. I know, SO IMMATURE, but that's how my mind is working right now. Don't get me wrong, I'm an extremely mature person, I know how to handle things and I can take care of myself if I need to. I think. But the thing is that I'm doing so well NOW that I don't want to grow up and have to start this whole process over again. I like where I am, I want to stay at this stage. Almost everyone at my age has kissed a guy, but I haven't and frankly, I don't even care. I don't even think about that kinda crap. I'm not the type of person who needs a relationship to define who I am. I don't need a guy to define who I am. I don't need someone there to whisper sweet nothings into my ear. And granted, I know not all guys are like that, but most of them are. And yea, people are gonna tell me that I have to go out there and LOOK for my guy, but that's the OTHER thing. I don't want to look. I just want to be 14 years old and deal with family and friends and school problems. I don't want to have my life clouded with some GUY who's going to take over my mind so that I can't think coherently. I've had enough of tha and I don't think I can handle it right now.
Some people are like Julie, seriously, what is wrong with you. But honestly, I can't even answer that question. Right now, I am blogging at 245am and it's taken me like 2 days to write this blog and I'll probably need one or two more days to finish this. So yea, it's really late at night and I don't really know if what I'm typing makes sense. Like, I know the sentences make sense, but I don't know if they relate to each other at all. Oh well. Continuing, I don't know WHY I can't do anything with guys. Maybe it has nothing to do with growing up, maybe I just have issues. I've never held hands with a guy romantically, I've never kissed someone on the mouth or cheek, I've never cuddled. Okay seriously, I don't understand why people are like I looooooove cuddling! I'm just like...kay, that's great. You know what I cuddle with? My pillow. It's like a million times more comfortable than wrapping your arms and legs around bones and flesh. Maybe that's just me. Yea, it probably is just me, but whatever.
When you KISS someone, doesn't that feel awkward? Or uncomfortable? Cause if your lips are wet and his lips are wet, wouldn't that kiss be pretty..WET?
I hate when you're like "I want this sooo badly" and then when you're right on the verge of getting it, you totally chicken out. Do you remember when you were a kid and all you could think about was having a boyfriend who would hold you and wipe away your tears for you? Well now that I think about it, having someone do that for me would scare the shiiiit outta me. WHY would that be scary, you ask? I think it's cause I'm such an independent person and if someone came into my life and did things for me, it would freak me out. And right now, half of my mind is imagining being in someone's arms and I'm just like GET ME A BOYFRIEND. NOW. But then the other half of my mind is just like, ew, why would you want someone to be all lovey dovey with you; you know you're not lovey dovey.. and that thought would take over and suddenly I'd be all creeped out by a guy.
Sometimes I think it's just cause I haven't found THE right guy yet. I would like a guy and then he'd like me back and I would stop liking him. WTF right?! Yea, I don't get it either. But maybe when I liked him, I had imagined him to be this PERFECT guy who I couldn't have and I just had to have him. And I was so excited and into the chase, I loved the thrill of running after him, trying to get a grasp of him in my arms. But then once he likes me back, I just get all awkward with the fact that this guy really ISN'T my dream guy and when I caught up to him and spun him around, he was nothing like the guy in the running picture. This applies to all guys by the way, not just one. And maybe it's as simple as the statement "You always want what you can't have". It seems greedy and selfish, but that's how human minds work, isn't it? You want the iTouch cause you hate your iPod Nano, but then once you get your iTouch, you don't really want it anymore. And you begin to wany ANOTHER thing you don't have. Well, same thing applies with guys. You always want that guy you simply can't have. Because it's a goal, a DESIRE to have him, and once you're obtained him, you realize there isn't much to do with him anymore.
And I'm not saying that this is always the case, but it is most of the time for me. But anyway, this is how I feel about growing up and being involved in relationships and what not. I could totallyyy elaborate on this, but I was supposed to post this last week, so I suppose I'll just post it now..haha
XXX, Julie
[The X is for hugging, and the O is for kissing. Therefore, I only included X's. Clever, huh?]
hahah :)
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Like, Crush, Smitten, Infatuation, Love
All that stuff up there. It's common. It happens.
Alright, so this is a hypothetical story.
You see a guy and you're just like MY GOSH HE'S GORGEOUS. And then you see him in the hallways a couple more times and you know that you like him. So then he bumps into you and you find out that you guys have a class together! Great! You exchange information, talk online a couple times, text during class and such, aaand now you have a crush on him. You have endless text conversations, he flirts with you through text, through IM, at school, etc etc. My GOSH you're just completely smitten at this point because you think he's absolutely perfect. Well, besides the fact that he acts kinda gross sometimes, but you don't care cause that just adds onto the perfection. So one day in class, you're partners for an assignment and he's sitting next to you, and your heart is just absolutely pounding at the moment. Let's say he stares at you for a couple seconds and you've noticed, but you don't decide to address your observation until 10 seconds later. He gives you a smile, tells you you're cute and plays around with your palm. He's not really "holding" your hand, but you're just gonna pretend that he did. Because you overanalyze. Everything. The next day, you come into class and to your delight, he's sitting in your seat! But of COURSE, you act as if this displeases you and you tell him to get out of your seat. He, being a guy, stays put. You don't wanna make a scene, so you just sit down in his seat instead. NEXT day. You purposefully take the short route to class and sit down in his seat. Muahaha, you're a genius. He comes in, sees you, and walks over. "Get outta my seat" You've probably have experience with that five letter verb called FLIRT. "Make me." You say, as you give him that smirk of yours. Little did you know that this would stir up a side-poking battle. One in which he's winning. This makes you feel all giddy inside. DUH. He finally pulls you off the chair and as you both race for the same seat, he sits down first and suuuuddenly, you're sitting on him. AWKWARRRD. He pokes your sides again and you finally get up cause right about now, the teacher's arrived. Okie doke. You're infatuated. Well actually, you THINK you love him, but you really don't. You're just infatuated. Well this whole lovey dovey thing goes on for a while and you're texting after school. One day, he's scraped his arms falling down. And you're awfully concerned, so you ask him if he's okay and all that. And after school, he texts you. "Thanks for helping me today. I love you"
HOLY SHIT, WHAT JUST HAPPENED?! He just told you he loves you. And at this point, you've decided that he is THE GUY for you cause he's wonderful and perfect and you love him with all your heart and soul. It's May 6th, 2008. And you swear you'll remember the date, FOREVER. So at school the next day, he looks really upset. You ask him what's wrong. He doesn't tell you. After school, you're concerned, so you text him. He says that he's going to be going to a different school the following year. Um, your heart just ripped. To pieces. You can't kiss him; you're not even going out! But you're sure a hug is appropriate. So you tell him to make sure you get one. About a month goes by and you don't talk. One day, you text him. And you tell him [before he leaves] that you've liked him for 2 years straight now. And he's shocked cause he thought you hated him. [Guys are dumbasses sometimes.] Well, you give him this loooong ass text message about how you'll miss him and you'll never forget him. And to this day, you remember that you texted the words "You've become implanted in my mind as a memory that's impossible to forget" And he replies and says wow, really? Thanks. You wait for the last day of school cause that's all you can do now. You see him, but you're preoccupied with saying bye to your friends. You come up to him and say bye, and he says bye in return. You stand there and expect a hug, a high five, shaking hands, ANYTHING. You just wanna feel like he still cares. But truthfully, he doesn't. Cause if he did, he wouldn't have walked away like that.
OKAY SO, MORAL OF THE STORY. Don't tell yourself you're in love with someone. It's most likely infatuation. Don't pour your heart into one guy cause chances are, he doesn't have his whole heart poured into you.
Don't make someone your everything. Cause when they're gone; you'll be left with nothing.
Alright, so this is a hypothetical story.
You see a guy and you're just like MY GOSH HE'S GORGEOUS. And then you see him in the hallways a couple more times and you know that you like him. So then he bumps into you and you find out that you guys have a class together! Great! You exchange information, talk online a couple times, text during class and such, aaand now you have a crush on him. You have endless text conversations, he flirts with you through text, through IM, at school, etc etc. My GOSH you're just completely smitten at this point because you think he's absolutely perfect. Well, besides the fact that he acts kinda gross sometimes, but you don't care cause that just adds onto the perfection. So one day in class, you're partners for an assignment and he's sitting next to you, and your heart is just absolutely pounding at the moment. Let's say he stares at you for a couple seconds and you've noticed, but you don't decide to address your observation until 10 seconds later. He gives you a smile, tells you you're cute and plays around with your palm. He's not really "holding" your hand, but you're just gonna pretend that he did. Because you overanalyze. Everything. The next day, you come into class and to your delight, he's sitting in your seat! But of COURSE, you act as if this displeases you and you tell him to get out of your seat. He, being a guy, stays put. You don't wanna make a scene, so you just sit down in his seat instead. NEXT day. You purposefully take the short route to class and sit down in his seat. Muahaha, you're a genius. He comes in, sees you, and walks over. "Get outta my seat" You've probably have experience with that five letter verb called FLIRT. "Make me." You say, as you give him that smirk of yours. Little did you know that this would stir up a side-poking battle. One in which he's winning. This makes you feel all giddy inside. DUH. He finally pulls you off the chair and as you both race for the same seat, he sits down first and suuuuddenly, you're sitting on him. AWKWARRRD. He pokes your sides again and you finally get up cause right about now, the teacher's arrived. Okie doke. You're infatuated. Well actually, you THINK you love him, but you really don't. You're just infatuated. Well this whole lovey dovey thing goes on for a while and you're texting after school. One day, he's scraped his arms falling down. And you're awfully concerned, so you ask him if he's okay and all that. And after school, he texts you. "Thanks for helping me today. I love you"
HOLY SHIT, WHAT JUST HAPPENED?! He just told you he loves you. And at this point, you've decided that he is THE GUY for you cause he's wonderful and perfect and you love him with all your heart and soul. It's May 6th, 2008. And you swear you'll remember the date, FOREVER. So at school the next day, he looks really upset. You ask him what's wrong. He doesn't tell you. After school, you're concerned, so you text him. He says that he's going to be going to a different school the following year. Um, your heart just ripped. To pieces. You can't kiss him; you're not even going out! But you're sure a hug is appropriate. So you tell him to make sure you get one. About a month goes by and you don't talk. One day, you text him. And you tell him [before he leaves] that you've liked him for 2 years straight now. And he's shocked cause he thought you hated him. [Guys are dumbasses sometimes.] Well, you give him this loooong ass text message about how you'll miss him and you'll never forget him. And to this day, you remember that you texted the words "You've become implanted in my mind as a memory that's impossible to forget" And he replies and says wow, really? Thanks. You wait for the last day of school cause that's all you can do now. You see him, but you're preoccupied with saying bye to your friends. You come up to him and say bye, and he says bye in return. You stand there and expect a hug, a high five, shaking hands, ANYTHING. You just wanna feel like he still cares. But truthfully, he doesn't. Cause if he did, he wouldn't have walked away like that.
OKAY SO, MORAL OF THE STORY. Don't tell yourself you're in love with someone. It's most likely infatuation. Don't pour your heart into one guy cause chances are, he doesn't have his whole heart poured into you.
Don't make someone your everything. Cause when they're gone; you'll be left with nothing.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
School & Always being late.
So, a week later, huh. Kay, so I just read my October 4th entry and I’m like wow, I was such a bitch. But I think I KNEW I was being a bitch when I was crying. I’m just really glad I got to see them all.
It’s Saturday afternoon and I’m sitting here at my kitchen table, blogging, AIMing, myspacing, facebooking, youtubing, and reading blogs. I think I just got sick, ew. Life in the new house is okay. I absolutely love my room, and we have a TV! We don’t have DirecTV, so that kinda sucks, but we shall…in due time [;
SPANISH is good, and since Emily hangs out with Taylor most of the time in that class, I talk to Alyssa now. She’s really nice and we talk about our guy problems with each other (of course..) and the guy she has a thing with is in my health class, so I update her on all that. Heheh :) But um, Spanish is really easy and I’m glad it’s a class I don’t have to be super stressed out about, and not to brag, but I think I have the highest grade in that class! Woot woot! Haha
BIOLOGY got funner! We just took our test and I don’t want to get my hopes up too high, but it was a pretty easy test! We moved seats, so I sit at a new table next to Hunter and in front of Dakota and Emily. So I’m never lonely, …or quiet. :D My teacher is a reaaally fun person and she makes learning kinda fun. We’re learning about biochem right now, but we learned a lot of it in physical science last year, so the only trouble I have is trying to actually REMEMBER what we did last year. The work isn’t hard, but sometimes it’s a lot, so I guess that’s pretty much the only downside about this class.
HEALTH is the best class ever. My teacher is the coolest guy ever and he understands and that’s what I like about him. I have the 4th highest grade in the class ]: 2 girls have a 99%, the other has a 98% and I have a 97%. Half disappointing, half exciting that my name’s actually UP there in the top 5. But the subjects we learn about are so important and I think taking Health is absolutely necessary. I’m really looking forward to talking about eating disorders, mental problems, emotional problems, etc. All the really fascinates me and I’ve kinda been thinking about being a psychology major, maybe? But anyway, Health is my favorite class right now!
ALGEBRA 2 TRIG is a bitch. I got an 80% on my first test and I’m VERY positive that I got from a C-D on my second test. I did so horrible on it. So that’s kinda upsetting =/ I mean, I understand most of the homework, but it’s just that we go so FAST that I can’t always implant all those concepts into my mind. It’s like I learn how to find the determinant of a matrix and we’re practicing how to do that and then BAM. The next day we’re learning how to solve a system of three equations. The people I sit around are super nice and awesome and class is fun, but once we start “going by the book” it’s rather depressing. Math is my most disliked class right now.
PE is fun. Besides the fact that I have to stay out of PE for 2 more weeks cause of my sprained ankle (which sucks), I like PE. 2 of my closest friends are in that class with me and I’ve befriended a lot of people. PE is a really relaxed class, except for when we’re running like 5 laps and stuff…My teacher and the other teacher is really nice and we do a lot of activities with the other freshman PE class, so there’s always a lot of socializing going on. I’m hoping to lose weight this year, so PE is gonna be my best friend right now. Hahaha, jkjk.
ENGLISH is easyyy. I talk to Alvin, Mariam, Tiffany, Kyle, and Andrew all the time in that class so it’s pretty fun. We’re always having a good laugh and my teacher is really awesome. The work is always super easy since my teacher says I’m “more advanced” than the other students. We’re doing writing right now and even if I’m supposedly “more advanced” than other people, I still appreciate the practice I get from writing academically. Well to be honest, I don’t think my writing is that good anyway, so yea.
MY MOM is late for like everything. I was supposed to be at church at 12pm, but my mom said she doesn’t get off work til 130pm, so I’m just like fine, whatever. And now it’s 2FREAKINGPM and she’s still not home. And the other day, she made me like 10 minutes late for Confirmation and the OTHER day, she made me like half an hour late somewhere. I seriously hate it. ITS LIKE SHE PURPOSELY TAKES HER FREAKING TIME so that I have to be late. Like, okay, I have to get somewhere and maybe it’s just shit to you, but it’s important to ME and it’s important to the people who expect me to be there on time. Back in Tustin, I was hardly ever late. I always got places early or on time and suddenly we’ve moved and now we’re late everywhere. I hate it. And also, me and Cindy have realized that we’ve changed since we moved. We’re honestly not very respectful to our parents and there is always yelling back and forth.
Oh yes, and I’ve started cussing a lot =/ It’s such a bad habit and I’m honestly really trying to tone it down and stop. I don’t cuss at school when I talk to my friends or anything, but sometimes I do it when I talk to my sister. And then I feel like a really bad person cause I know that cursing is wrong. I still do it when I write cause sometimes I just can’t find the right word for it, but yea. Cussing.
Did I ever tell you I sprained my ankle? I don’t remember if I did. But yea, just throwin’ that in there…
I’m reading My Sister’s Keeper by Jodi Picoult. It’s SO good so far and I really wanna watch the movie now!
I read the first book of Vampire Diaries and I yet have the second one to begin reading.
It’s 223pm and my mom isn’t home yet.
I got a haircut! I really like it, but people say I look “so much MORE like my sister now”.
My mom’s home. An hour later than she said she’d be here. My god, I don’t even wanna go to TN anymore. Ughhhh, fuuuuuuuuck my life. Again with the cussing.
Kay, well I guess I’m gonna go now. Spread the loveee. :) Even if I don’t sometimes -_-
It’s Saturday afternoon and I’m sitting here at my kitchen table, blogging, AIMing, myspacing, facebooking, youtubing, and reading blogs. I think I just got sick, ew. Life in the new house is okay. I absolutely love my room, and we have a TV! We don’t have DirecTV, so that kinda sucks, but we shall…in due time [;
SPANISH is good, and since Emily hangs out with Taylor most of the time in that class, I talk to Alyssa now. She’s really nice and we talk about our guy problems with each other (of course..) and the guy she has a thing with is in my health class, so I update her on all that. Heheh :) But um, Spanish is really easy and I’m glad it’s a class I don’t have to be super stressed out about, and not to brag, but I think I have the highest grade in that class! Woot woot! Haha
BIOLOGY got funner! We just took our test and I don’t want to get my hopes up too high, but it was a pretty easy test! We moved seats, so I sit at a new table next to Hunter and in front of Dakota and Emily. So I’m never lonely, …or quiet. :D My teacher is a reaaally fun person and she makes learning kinda fun. We’re learning about biochem right now, but we learned a lot of it in physical science last year, so the only trouble I have is trying to actually REMEMBER what we did last year. The work isn’t hard, but sometimes it’s a lot, so I guess that’s pretty much the only downside about this class.
HEALTH is the best class ever. My teacher is the coolest guy ever and he understands and that’s what I like about him. I have the 4th highest grade in the class ]: 2 girls have a 99%, the other has a 98% and I have a 97%. Half disappointing, half exciting that my name’s actually UP there in the top 5. But the subjects we learn about are so important and I think taking Health is absolutely necessary. I’m really looking forward to talking about eating disorders, mental problems, emotional problems, etc. All the really fascinates me and I’ve kinda been thinking about being a psychology major, maybe? But anyway, Health is my favorite class right now!
ALGEBRA 2 TRIG is a bitch. I got an 80% on my first test and I’m VERY positive that I got from a C-D on my second test. I did so horrible on it. So that’s kinda upsetting =/ I mean, I understand most of the homework, but it’s just that we go so FAST that I can’t always implant all those concepts into my mind. It’s like I learn how to find the determinant of a matrix and we’re practicing how to do that and then BAM. The next day we’re learning how to solve a system of three equations. The people I sit around are super nice and awesome and class is fun, but once we start “going by the book” it’s rather depressing. Math is my most disliked class right now.
PE is fun. Besides the fact that I have to stay out of PE for 2 more weeks cause of my sprained ankle (which sucks), I like PE. 2 of my closest friends are in that class with me and I’ve befriended a lot of people. PE is a really relaxed class, except for when we’re running like 5 laps and stuff…My teacher and the other teacher is really nice and we do a lot of activities with the other freshman PE class, so there’s always a lot of socializing going on. I’m hoping to lose weight this year, so PE is gonna be my best friend right now. Hahaha, jkjk.
ENGLISH is easyyy. I talk to Alvin, Mariam, Tiffany, Kyle, and Andrew all the time in that class so it’s pretty fun. We’re always having a good laugh and my teacher is really awesome. The work is always super easy since my teacher says I’m “more advanced” than the other students. We’re doing writing right now and even if I’m supposedly “more advanced” than other people, I still appreciate the practice I get from writing academically. Well to be honest, I don’t think my writing is that good anyway, so yea.
MY MOM is late for like everything. I was supposed to be at church at 12pm, but my mom said she doesn’t get off work til 130pm, so I’m just like fine, whatever. And now it’s 2FREAKINGPM and she’s still not home. And the other day, she made me like 10 minutes late for Confirmation and the OTHER day, she made me like half an hour late somewhere. I seriously hate it. ITS LIKE SHE PURPOSELY TAKES HER FREAKING TIME so that I have to be late. Like, okay, I have to get somewhere and maybe it’s just shit to you, but it’s important to ME and it’s important to the people who expect me to be there on time. Back in Tustin, I was hardly ever late. I always got places early or on time and suddenly we’ve moved and now we’re late everywhere. I hate it. And also, me and Cindy have realized that we’ve changed since we moved. We’re honestly not very respectful to our parents and there is always yelling back and forth.
Oh yes, and I’ve started cussing a lot =/ It’s such a bad habit and I’m honestly really trying to tone it down and stop. I don’t cuss at school when I talk to my friends or anything, but sometimes I do it when I talk to my sister. And then I feel like a really bad person cause I know that cursing is wrong. I still do it when I write cause sometimes I just can’t find the right word for it, but yea. Cussing.
Did I ever tell you I sprained my ankle? I don’t remember if I did. But yea, just throwin’ that in there…
I’m reading My Sister’s Keeper by Jodi Picoult. It’s SO good so far and I really wanna watch the movie now!
I read the first book of Vampire Diaries and I yet have the second one to begin reading.
It’s 223pm and my mom isn’t home yet.
I got a haircut! I really like it, but people say I look “so much MORE like my sister now”.
My mom’s home. An hour later than she said she’d be here. My god, I don’t even wanna go to TN anymore. Ughhhh, fuuuuuuuuck my life. Again with the cussing.
Kay, well I guess I’m gonna go now. Spread the loveee. :) Even if I don’t sometimes -_-
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Tustin Tiller Days
**Before proceeding to read, please first read my September 25th entry titled “Crying Feels Good!”
Okay, so before I mentioned a lot of stuff about crying and just letting it out. Well on Friday, I wanted to go to Tillers, which is an annual fair that’s held in Tustin. My mom said she’d take me and suddenly a whole string of excuses came out of her mouth and within minutes, I was crying in the back of the car. My cry fest started at maybe 4 and after crying and screaming at the top of my lungs and banging my sprained ankle on the floor and more screaming through my raspy throat and having tears stream out nonstop, I had cried for 2 hours straight. I had screamed “I hate you so much” countless times. And I had also screamed “I WANNA GO REALLY REALLY BADLY” a million times as well. I looked and sounded like a whining little girl, but honestly, if a little girl wanted a Barbie and didn’t get it, would they cry and scream for two hours straight? No.
Alright, well let me TELL you why I had cried so much. In May, all my friends and I decided that we wouldn’t get to see each other often, so we made plans that we were all going to Tillers to see each other. We made this plan 5 MONTHS AGO. And nobody understands. Nobody understands what it’s like to hang out with a group of friends for 3 years and suddenly not see them again. Nobody knows what that’s like for me. Everyone just expects me to shut up, put on a smile, and get over it. Well, this isn’t easy to get over and I refuse to let something so important just slip my mind. This was the ONLY weekend I would ever get to see them and suddenly my mom isn’t taking me. After 5 months of planning this and after months of not seeing some of my friends, how do you think that makes me feel? I cried more about the fact that I won’t get to see my friends than crying about not going to Tillers. I didn’t care if I didn’t go to Tillers, I just wanted to go because I knew that was the only way I would ever be able to see my friends again. In the city I used to live in. Across the street from where I used to live. Well after 2 hours, my mom said she’d take me if I ate dinner first. I didn’t want to, but at the point, I was willing to do anything for my friends. So I ate and got in the car and had my mom yell at me, but luckily I had my iPod, so I blasted that and listened to Leona Lewis instead of her.
After an agonizing 15 minute car ride, I saw. I saw everything. People walking on the streets, cars piled one right after another, the beautiful ferris wheel carrying people around and around in it’s repetitive circular motions. The light. The noise. The people. I was overjoyed. I didn’t even care that I didn’t get there at 4 like I was supposed to, at this point I was just excited to even BE in Tustin. I ran out my car and I don’t even remember if I said bye to my mom or not but honestly, I didn’t even care. I just cared about getting to my friends as soon as possible. I called Chelsea and she told me she was at the food area. I told her I just wanted to talk to her, but that I wasn’t going to be able to go to Tillers. She believed me. Then, I asked her which booth she was at and she told me that she was sitting down. She asked me why I was asking her so many questions and I told her that I was trying to look for her. I heard the phone go silent for a couple seconds and then I SAW HER and heard her say WHAT?! WHERE ARE YOU?! And then I said, you look really cute! The shirt you’re wearing is pink, right? She frantically looks around and then we saw each other. And then it was like I had never left Tustin in the first place. I knew that I would never have a better best friend than the ones I have now. Well then Zoya ran at me and gave me a big hug and I gave Katie a big hug and then I felt someone SLAM into my body. Hard. And it was Khadija! Gosh, it was seriously one of the best reunions ever. I love my friends. I couldn’t have been happier than I was right then and there. We walked around and saw SO many people, it was amazing! I hugged like everybody and seeing everybody I used to go to school with felt like such an amazing blessing.
So that was me crying for 2 hours straight and then getting to see my friends for 4 hours. It was amazing though :)
And right now, I’m trying to convince my mom to let me go to Tillers again today. It’s the last day that it’s open and it’s seriously one of the last opportunities for me to see my friends since they’re all going today. And if I’m not there, I’M SERIOUSLY GOING TO DIE! I already got upset this morning, haha.
Okay, so before I mentioned a lot of stuff about crying and just letting it out. Well on Friday, I wanted to go to Tillers, which is an annual fair that’s held in Tustin. My mom said she’d take me and suddenly a whole string of excuses came out of her mouth and within minutes, I was crying in the back of the car. My cry fest started at maybe 4 and after crying and screaming at the top of my lungs and banging my sprained ankle on the floor and more screaming through my raspy throat and having tears stream out nonstop, I had cried for 2 hours straight. I had screamed “I hate you so much” countless times. And I had also screamed “I WANNA GO REALLY REALLY BADLY” a million times as well. I looked and sounded like a whining little girl, but honestly, if a little girl wanted a Barbie and didn’t get it, would they cry and scream for two hours straight? No.
Alright, well let me TELL you why I had cried so much. In May, all my friends and I decided that we wouldn’t get to see each other often, so we made plans that we were all going to Tillers to see each other. We made this plan 5 MONTHS AGO. And nobody understands. Nobody understands what it’s like to hang out with a group of friends for 3 years and suddenly not see them again. Nobody knows what that’s like for me. Everyone just expects me to shut up, put on a smile, and get over it. Well, this isn’t easy to get over and I refuse to let something so important just slip my mind. This was the ONLY weekend I would ever get to see them and suddenly my mom isn’t taking me. After 5 months of planning this and after months of not seeing some of my friends, how do you think that makes me feel? I cried more about the fact that I won’t get to see my friends than crying about not going to Tillers. I didn’t care if I didn’t go to Tillers, I just wanted to go because I knew that was the only way I would ever be able to see my friends again. In the city I used to live in. Across the street from where I used to live. Well after 2 hours, my mom said she’d take me if I ate dinner first. I didn’t want to, but at the point, I was willing to do anything for my friends. So I ate and got in the car and had my mom yell at me, but luckily I had my iPod, so I blasted that and listened to Leona Lewis instead of her.
After an agonizing 15 minute car ride, I saw. I saw everything. People walking on the streets, cars piled one right after another, the beautiful ferris wheel carrying people around and around in it’s repetitive circular motions. The light. The noise. The people. I was overjoyed. I didn’t even care that I didn’t get there at 4 like I was supposed to, at this point I was just excited to even BE in Tustin. I ran out my car and I don’t even remember if I said bye to my mom or not but honestly, I didn’t even care. I just cared about getting to my friends as soon as possible. I called Chelsea and she told me she was at the food area. I told her I just wanted to talk to her, but that I wasn’t going to be able to go to Tillers. She believed me. Then, I asked her which booth she was at and she told me that she was sitting down. She asked me why I was asking her so many questions and I told her that I was trying to look for her. I heard the phone go silent for a couple seconds and then I SAW HER and heard her say WHAT?! WHERE ARE YOU?! And then I said, you look really cute! The shirt you’re wearing is pink, right? She frantically looks around and then we saw each other. And then it was like I had never left Tustin in the first place. I knew that I would never have a better best friend than the ones I have now. Well then Zoya ran at me and gave me a big hug and I gave Katie a big hug and then I felt someone SLAM into my body. Hard. And it was Khadija! Gosh, it was seriously one of the best reunions ever. I love my friends. I couldn’t have been happier than I was right then and there. We walked around and saw SO many people, it was amazing! I hugged like everybody and seeing everybody I used to go to school with felt like such an amazing blessing.
So that was me crying for 2 hours straight and then getting to see my friends for 4 hours. It was amazing though :)
And right now, I’m trying to convince my mom to let me go to Tillers again today. It’s the last day that it’s open and it’s seriously one of the last opportunities for me to see my friends since they’re all going today. And if I’m not there, I’M SERIOUSLY GOING TO DIE! I already got upset this morning, haha.
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