Crying feels GOOD!

My goodness, it’s been AGES since I’ve blogged! School always gets in the way, but I still love blogging and I’ve missed it a lot! In case I never mentioned it, cause I don’t remember, we’ve moved into our new house and I guess it’s okay. My mom hasn’t started cooking anything yet, but I absolutely LOVE having my own room even though ironically, I’m blogging from Cindy’s room. Hahaha, we still haven’t quite separated entirely, so that’s good. I’ve made even MORE new friends, so that’s pretty cool. But I still think about all of my other friends all the time. It gets really depressing and lonely a lot of the times like it did today. All my friends were hanging out with each other and I really wanted to go to club rush, but nobody wanted to go with me. But then this one girl named Sam said she’d go with me but we just ended up going to her friends so I nothing done with club rush. And I just seriously wish that one of my old friends were still with me. Cause then I would have ONE person to be with me during lunch and go with me places and stuff like that.

Okay, so you know how I’ve mentioned a couple times that I cry really easily now a days? Well I watched UP today and I seriously like fell through all the cracks that I tried to seal up. I mean yea, it was a sad movie and I would have cried inevitably, but I didn’t think I would cry THAT much. Towards the end, I was bawling my eyes out [geez, how many times have I used that line throughout my whole blog?!]. So yea, crying so much to the point where I could barely see through my swollen eye lids. The tears just GUSHED out, they had no mercy for my face and just rained down. By the time the movie was over was the time I finally stopped crying. I quickly turned on the lights to see how I looked and it was awful. My face had red splotches all over and my eyes looked like they were half closed.
But to be honest, it makes me feel SO good when I cry cause it makes me feel like I’m not such a heartless, emotionless person after all! Hahah, but really. I kinda do love it when I cry because when the tears pour out, the pain pours out with it. I am so emotionally unstable that if something really sad or something makes me awfully angry, I’ll just get mad and then shove into my box of feelings. And then it will build up and more and more and it will fill every corner and crevice. And then something small will happen such as watching UP or reading a poem in Health class or even just discussing a certain topic in Health will make me boil over and then I will dump out everything. And then I’ll be crying and people will be like, why are you crying? And I’ll be like, I don’t know! Not really. But yea.
So yea, Iono, but I love it when I cry. I encourage myself to cry more often. And it’s not like I’m a complete boob who cries all the time, but I do cry more than I used to and for some reason, I just feel amazing when I cry. Even if I look the complete opposite once I’m finished. Hahaha
SHIZ, I hate when I sleep late! It’s so annoying! But it’s become such a habit that I won’t stop myself from doing whatever until it’s super late and then I will become tired and fall asleep. And then I’ll be dead in the morning. Oh god, I seriously do not want to deal with the rest of the school year like this. I did it all of 8th grade and for once, I’d like to sleep before the day ends. So my goal is to one day, sleep before 12am and it has to be a school night. My other goal is to set and alarm and actually wake up to it since I’m completely immune to the sound of alarms and ringtones and what not. LOL

**Please continue the rest of this blog entry on October 4th**

I just cried

Alright, so I just spent the past couple of minutes crying. Cause I’m on my period, which means that I’m extremely hormonal and super sensitive to tears. I’m so sick of all this yelling in the house, it seriously pisses me off. Someone yells at me to wake up. Then they yell at me cause I’m gonna be late for school when I actually have an hour to get there. Someone yells at me to eat food cause I didn’t eat lunch. Someone hits me in the head cause it’s supposed to be “funny” when really, it’s annoying as fuck. Someone yells at me to go do my homework when I can manage my own time and tell them to leave me alone. Someone tells me to go take a shower before I do my homework because its loud when I shower at night. And I know I sound like a complete bitch, but I do it on purpose. I don’t really care if it bothers them. They bother me, I bother them. It’s a one way circle. They make me eat dinner but I don’t want any food in my system and they just keep bagging me and hammering me about it. And I cannot get them to shut the fuck up. There are 6 adults in this house and 4 of them just absolutely LOVE to yell at me 24/7.

When we move back and my dad lives with us, I honestly don’t know how I’m going to get through any of that. Back in Tustin, it was me, my mom, and my sister in one room and I was completely okay with that cause it wasn’t like we were all in the room at the same time or anything. My dad came home once every 2 weeks, so does it make me a bad person that I wish he didn’t come home so often? I honestly think it would be better if my dad wasn’t home with us. He yells a LOT and I have quite a temper and my family’s not so great at controlling their tempers, so I don’t think it would be a good mix for us all to be under the same roof. I hate all the yelling and hammering and pressure to go do something. My dad tells me to do something and literally 3 seconds later, he yells. It’s so annoying.

When you cry too much, but you still have your contacts on, it hurts like shizzzzz. Like a lot. It actually kinda makes you feel super sleepy, so after that cry sesh, I just really feel like going to sleep.

Ugh, okay, I’m done with this blog. I don’t have much more to say, so I’m just gonna conclude and go finish my homework cause I’m actually kinda sick of sleeping every night at 1:30am. I think this is the shortest blog I’ve ever done! I’m planning on just having short and brief blogs more often so the updates are more constant. But on the other hand, I kinda like having my really long blogs every once in a while as well. I’m not sure which I should do. Eh, maybe I’ll just blog when I REALLY have something I’d like to get off my chest. Since I’m in a bad mood, I can’t blog about friends or guys or high school right now ]: But in my next blog, I plan on going into tremendous details about friends, guys, and school.

Oh and thanks to people who actually read this. It makes me feel like I actually have a purpose to write besides venting.

Love, Julie

PS. Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. Make a difference and save someone’s life. <3>

Fifteen

I titled this post “Fifteen” cause that’s a song Taylor Swift wrote about when she was 15 and entering her Freshman year and it’s totally and perfectly relatable, even though I’m not that age yet. On the day before school started, I turned my iPod on and put this song on repeat so I could fall asleep to it. It was amazing and it really helped. See, this is why Taylor Swift is like my LIFE in the music department :)

“You take a deep breath as you walk through the halls, it’s the morning of your very first day. You said hi to your friends you haven’t seen in a while, try to stay out of everybody’s way. It’s your Freshman year and you’re gonna be here for the next 4 years in this town.”

The only part that didn’t apply to me was that I didn’t have any “friends” at my new school. It was me and 3,500 strangers. But anyway, I shall begin:

So I just ended my first week of high school as a Freshman. I wasn't particularly too ecstatic about it, but I mean I didn't hate it or anything. It was just okay. I made two friends named Jammie and Ivy and they’re really nice, but I’m not too fond of Ivy’s boyfriend and his friends. I don’t feel like I could become friends with those guys; I feel like I’m only there cause I’m friends with Ivy. I don’t have any classes with them really, cause in my Algebra2/Trig [A2/T] and Bio class there are mostly sophmores. I sit next to this sophmore in my bio class and I guess he’s pretty okay looking? He sits behind me in A2/T too.

I like my Spanish teacher; she tells us a lot of interesting stuff. I took Spanish 1 in middle school, but I didn’t think I was ready to move on to Spanish 2, so I’m retaking Spanish 1. Which is like crazy insane cause I’ve never retaken a course before.

My biology teacher seems funny and nice, but I can tell that she means business and I am NOT going to have a easy time in her class. So that kinda suckssss ]: but I’m gonna try to not procrastinate so much this year and just get things done and over with. I don’t need the heavy loads of pressure that I had last year.

My health teacher is the BEST! He is soo funny and he’s super duper nice and he can totally relate to all of us. He sounds like he’s gonna make the class informative but fun and I think I’m really gonna enjoy learning about health. Buuut, he said there are gonna be pictures of stuff growing in private areas and I’m definitely not looking forward to that…I’m mainly looking forward to the units where we learn about depression, family and friend relationships, eating disorders, and stuff like that.

My A2/T teacher is really outgoing and down to earth. She jokes around with us at the right times, but she always has math first. She said she has stories to tell us and I always love when teachers do that, but A2/T sounds kinda hard =/ The work is kinda a lot, but I’m used to it, it’s just that I’m really afraid about the tests cause I’ve never really been a test person when it comes to math… I’m gonna pay a LOT of attention though cause I really wanna do well in this class.
I heard that my PE teacher was nice, but I don’t really know her personally yet, so I’ll just have to wait and see.

I used to hate my English teacher cause 1) I didn’t get into English Honors and for some reason, I took my anger and turned into hate on her 2) I thought she was WAY too annoying with her loud talking and laughing. But then I realized that she kinda has a hard job since she’s a student teacher and she’s just trying to connect with the class and now that I think about it, I respect that. She also loves writing and writing is one of the favorite things to do in the world [as you can tell from my blog]. I’m gonna try to give her a chance and actually try to become more personal with her. I’m actually kinda glad that I’m in a regular English class cause I hate the heavy homework and project loads and just for ONCE I’d like to experience what it’s like to be in a regular class and have less homework [which is kinda impossible since I’m in A2/T and Bio…] haha.

So that sums up my teachers and classes. Nowww on to the more “emotional” part of this.
Like I have said, and like I keep saying, I miss my friends soo much. I know I’ve made two friends, but it’s really not the same. I mean, they’re very nice and everything, but I don’t think they could ever reach HALF of what my best friends were to me. I can’t really tell them anything and it’s really hard to relate to either of them. Plus, I’d kind of like to make more friends than that. And just thinking back on everything that’s happened to me just makes me miss it all. People always say that they want to go back in time and relive a relationship with a guy cause she was so blissfully happy, but I was never happier than when I was with my friends. And if I could, I would go back in time and relive those moments in middle school. We all have this friendship ring and it either says “Friends” or it says “Forever”. Personally, I think “Forever” is more deep and meaningful and kind of mysterious cause when people look at the ring they’re just like, “Forever? With who?” :) But anyway, we all have this ring and some of the others lost theirs, but I would seriously die if I ever lost mine. It’s the ONLY jewelry I’ll wear 24/7 cause it’s like always having a piece of my best friends with me wherever I go. And I know that people the true pieces of your friends lie in your heart, but this ring is really special to me. It’s beginning to turn pink cause of how old it is and it’s scratched all over, but the words “Forever” remain beautifully engraved. That’s how our friendships are. Old, rusted, and damaged, but more beautiful than you could ever imagine.

Today, me and my friend were talking about how we’ve become closer because of our distance apart. “Distance makes the heart grow fonder” or something like that and even though I’d rather have her there with me everyday, she’s right. If we were together at school everyday, we’d tell each other stuff, but we’d leave out all the important stuff. Now, we talk on the phone ALL the time, which hardly happened before, and we tell each other EVERYTHING. I used to say that I told my best friends everything, but that was definitely over stating it. Now, we definitely talk about everything. And I guess that’s one of the things that’s so “cool”? about being far apart. We get to know each other even better and we tell each other all our drama and crushes, so it’s exactly like being in on the drama from far away.

To be honest, I miss my old 8th grade teacher, Mrs. Hastings. She wasn’t exactly my favorite teacher last year, but now that I think about it, I really appreciate her teaching and her homework. Cause she was RIGHT, high school has a LOT of homework and she really got me prepared. So thanks soo much Mrs. Hastings! I’ve been meaning to write an email to her to thank her :)
I think the person I miss the most [and I know I’ve said this before] but I miss Ms. Tiffani! She was such a kinda and understanding soul. And besides my best friends, I’d say she knows me the best. She always knew what to say and gave me the most amazing advice I had ever received without a doubt. I seriously like almost cried on the phone talking to Zoya cause we were talking about how much we missed Tiffani.

I feel so lost at school. Yes, I can find my classes absolutely fine, but I feel lost in an awfully confused way. There’s nothing I can do about it cause I can’t even figure out the one thing I want right now. Well actually I do know. I want a best friend, but if you’ve ever known my best friends from middle school, you will know that I probably will never have anyone as amazing or special as they are.
And I don’t wanna ramble on anymore cause I wanna just conclude the blog with that last sentence cause it’s true, so I’m gonna go to bed.
If my besties out there are reading this, I love youuu!