Nobody Understood

Firstly, Happy Birthday Taylor Lautner! <3>

All my life I’ve been a pretty open person, which may be a good thing or a bad thing. Whichever it was, I was still open. I trusted people easily and in turn, they trusted me back. I don’t know if it’s some aura I have, but some people tell me their secrets pretty easily. That’s how I was, but with A LOT of people. If I liked this guy, I would tell my friend who I barely knew. I was just like that. But I didn’t do it in a bad way or anything, if someone told me their secret, I kept it.

So all of this “I’m open and I trust people easily” thing just totally changed in high school. At first I WAS pretty open with most people; I told them things about myself that I most likely wouldn’t tell them if I had a chance to take it back. There are several people who I could tell things to, but I learned that most people don’t give a shit about your feelings and only endure your talking in hopes of getting something juicy out of it so they can repeat it to other people. I was sharing myself with other people, whether they cared or wanted to know, I was telling them anyway. But today I finally concluded that I can’t trust anybody, I began to close myself in from others. I was more wary, more cautious, and I learned how to choose my words even more carefully when talking to people. I wanted somebody there for me SO badly that I just threw myself out there and hoped that somebody would reel me in and hold me and tell that it was okay to feel like this. But nobody did. Nobody understood me. Nobody wanted to understand me. I was just that ‘nice’ and ‘smart’ girl who moved over the summer. Nobody came up to me and said “Hey Julie, you’re looking down today. Wanna talk about it?” Nobody said that. Seven months gone by and nothing. I didn’t even care if I didn’t have a best friend; I just wanted someone who would be there. But nobody was, not emotionally anyway. So because I had this all bottled up inside, I couldn’t take it and I had to tell somebody, but I found out that telling this person was a mistake. I didn’t know her that well and I learned that she didn’t even like me that much. So much for opening up to people, right?

My high school life isn’t sad and depressing all the time. It’s actually pretty good on most days, but those crappy days just build up and get stored up and they’ll come out on days that are going perfectly fine. Which sucks. But the thing that always phases me is that I come to school praying that my day will turn out good. In middle school I always KNEW school would be good, I knew that one way or another, I would enjoy some part of it. At FV, it’s always unpredictable. I feel like the only way I can have a good day is if I EXPECT it to completely suck ass and then when it doesn’t, I feel a little better. Isn’t that pathetic? Isn’t it sad that I have to do that in order to fulfill my day’s happiness? And another thing, I don’t want people to pity me. I don’t want their pity. I don’t want people to talk to me just cause they feel sorry for me.

Well enough about Fountain Valley. I’m sick of the place and some of the people already. Man, I wish how things used to me. I miss everything. If I could turn back time, I would relive my 8th grade year and do everything the right way, I wouldn’t let stupid things get in the way of what should have happened. I wouldn’t hold back on talking to Ben, I wouldn’t let some awkwardness get between anyone’s friendship with me. I think I’ve finally learned my lesson with appreciating what I have. I should’ve been more grateful for 8th grade and I should’ve savored absolutely everything that I went through that year. But I was naïve and I wanted it to fly by super fast for high school. Boy was I insanely stupid. I’d do anything to relive a couple days in 8th grade again. Those days were just…they were everything to me. It sounds stupid and I should let go of 8th grade cause it was last year, but you don’t understand. Then again, a lot of people have a hard time wanting or even trying to understand me this year.

Ugh, I was supposed to go to sleep early today! Mother trucker. Blogging got me carried away =( It's now 2am which is hella late and I'm gonna be hella tired in the morning. Well goodnight and here's to praying that tomorrow's going to be a good day. Sorry if my blog writing sucks. Didn't really feel like making it sound profound at all. Just ranted. OH, and I have other tidbits that I jot down in my journal every day. I'll probably post those up everyday, or try to. I wanna try something new. Or maybe I'll just post those on my tumblr. Who knows. Goodnight, love all.

http://julielinh.tumblr.com/
http://formspring.me/julielinh

"Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with everything they have"

God God God

Camp was over the weekend and it was super duper oober cold, but it was still pretty fun. Didn't run into too many ABGs, so I'm happy about that. For some reason, this camp was really inspiring to me. I mean it didn't make me want to go all hardcore Catholic, but it really made me think about who I was and why I believe in my faith and everything. It made me realize that God made me for who I am and I am all good and because he made me after himself. God doesn't make junk. We watched this video about how we are all God's original masterpieces. It was amazing. I could relate so well to that video and it made me cry tears of sadness and happiness. Sad, because I'm not as good of a person as I should be. Happy, because I finally got the answers from God that I was looking for.

You have a lot of anger. Some pride. Compare yourself to others instead of Me. You're lazy, but you pretend like you're really really busy. You have a problem with lust. You've been holding on to this for a long time. Are you ready for this?

"It hurts."

It hurts me more than it hurts you.

"I don't think you understand this pain."

Don't talk to me about pain, I know all about pain. I sent my son to die on the cross for paying for sin, but I also did it for another reason. To give you freedom. Do you know what insanity is? Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over again and expecting different results and there are things in your life that you've been doing that do not work in your life, but you go to these empty wells whenever you're hurting, whenever you're angry, whenever you're lonely and tired, but they do not work.

"Okay well look, I can't be good."

You can't be good? I made you good. Be good.

"Ughh"

What is it?

"You wouldn't understand.

I, God of all the universe wouldn't understand something one of my children wants to say. Try me.

"It's just, God, I let you down so many times."

No. You are never holding me up. I hold you up with my victorious righteous right hand and don't you forget that. In this relationship I hold you up.

"Okay. Chisel away. Just..just be prepared for what you're going to find in there. Cause I know who's inside there. Cause God, I get up every morning and I look at him in the mirror and it is this scared little kid who gets up everyday and tries to dress like an adult and act like and adult, but can't. So just be prepared for what you're gonna find in there."

You have listened to so many voices for far too long that aren't out of me. You think you're junk, don't you. You really really really think you're junk. Listen to me. I don't make junk. What does that say about me? How can I show you that my love for you has no boundaries?

"Dear God, I am turning everything over to you. I'm not going to hold onto anything anymore. Your word says that you will make me your masterpiece and use me to do great things. I don't see how that's possible, but I want that with all that I am. So please do whatever it takes to make me what you want. I love you God."

That's just some parts of it that I really liked. Here's the full video . It's seriously so touching and such an eye opener.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=NRzltLYy9xk

Sorry this isn't much of a personal blog, but I felt the need to blog about this. Maybe I'll talk about boys and friends and school another day. But it's 1230am and I'm gonna head to bed. Goodnight, and God bless.